


Again come the morning

by everythingispoetry



Series: If die, only in Manhattan [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cancer, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Tony, M/M, Medical Procedures, Missions, New York City, Science, Secret Identity, Slice of Life, Team Dynamics, Terminal Illnesses, Tony Feels, Triple Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 61,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingispoetry/pseuds/everythingispoetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The miracle of waking up, again and again and again.</p><p>(Part 10: March - August 2013)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this piece: [Billy Joel - New York state of mind](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol0dPJdzm1M)
> 
> Beta of the story by Kae &dri-dri93 <3  
> Thank you! <3

 

‘You are an idiot,’ Doc says as soon as he has Tony in his arms, holding him tightly and leading to the sofa so that Tony can sit down.

He didn’t mind lying on the floor as much as he probably should have.

‘Rhodey will be here in ten minutes – and no, you don’t get to say anything. I’ve heard enough already. JARVIS?’ Doc asks at the ceiling, ‘this idiot’s vitals?’

‘Stable, Doctor,’ JARVIS assures the man in his flat voice and Tony breathes out in relief, just a tiny bit. ‘It appears to only have been a bit worse of a dizzy spell.’

‘You’re not supposed to damn _faint_ and now I have to wonder why on earth you never told me you weren’t feeling good, I mean, this way –’

‘It’s the first time –’

‘All right,’ Doc sighs before Tony can say anything  more and honestly he isn’t sure he knows what to he’d say because his brain seems still too occupied with the hurt look Steve has on his face when he was listening to the words Tony imposed on him – and the disappointment when he was leaving.

It takes Rhodey seven minutes to get there and the first thing he does is ask JARVIS if his sensors pick up anything that might be wrong; the A.I. assures him that’s not the case. Rhodey blinks, breathes out and realizes he’s still wearing his coat so he takes it off, sits next to Tony on the sofa and gives him _the look_.

‘What?’ Tony asks, hugging his knees closer to his chest.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Might have a bump on my head but nothing hurts, I’m fine –’

‘That’s good because I get to be mad at you,’ Rhodey cuts in, his look hardening. ‘You are an idiot.’

Tony closes his eyes for a moment, wondering why the hell does everyone feel up to saying this suddenly, when he’s obviously not in the mood. When he’s just done the wrong thing and he isn’t sure there is anything he regrets doing more than this in his life.

‘And I damn well understand that this is fucked up and difficult for you and I need to tell you why I am mad at you okay?’ Rhodey continues, ignoring Tony’s lack of response. For a brief moment Tony wonders there Doc has gone but then he figures he’s probably down on the street to get a cooling pack for the bump on Tony’s head. ‘You listening to me?’

Tony takes a moment to nod stiffly but doesn’t flinch when Rhodey wraps his arm around his back.

‘I know I told you to do what you feel is the right thing to do and all that and I’m definitely glad you have this one thing off your head – because the situation will clear up – but that’s _not_ how you were supposed to do this and that’s the problem with you. You feel somehow pressured to do things, you’ve always been like this, and no one ever sees that ‘cause you’re too good of an actor but I know you too well, you were supposed to make a decision and not act upon a feeling of obligation, okay? That’s what I wanted you to do. Make a decision, the right decision, but not a dizzy-headed delusional decision – because I can see it in your damn eyes that you’re regretting it.’

‘Rhodey –’

‘You are.’

‘I am,’ Tony admits because there is no lying to Rhodey, not at all.

‘I wanted you to feel better, not more miserable, I care about you more than I probably should, you lucky bastard,’ he says with a small smile and Tony can’t help but return it tiredly, as it if were a great effort to move. It kind of is; he feels as it if he could just stay in the same place forever without moving because it’s so _comforting_.

‘But –’

‘I’ve got a cooling pack,’ Doc’s voice floats across the room as soon as he opens the door.

‘Thanks,’ Rhodey calls back and then turns his head back to Tony and adds, ‘you have a team meeting in three days.’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re not going.’

‘I – I have no idea,’ Tony admits truthfully. He’d like to go, despite everything, especially now that he knows Rhodey and everyone else will be overprotective, but on the other hand he’d have to confront Steve. Or run really quickly.

‘Agent Coulson mentioned there will be some important information the team has to talk about,’ JARVIS reminds him softly and just a moment later Doc’s hands press the cooling pack to the side of Tony’s head that pulsates warmly. ‘It might be beneficial if you attended the meeting but if you have any doubts, sir, I can do that for you.’

‘Oh baby,’ Tony breathes, pressing the cool pack to his head, leaning into it and into Rhodey’s side. ‘Yeah, well, I’ll think about it.’

‘I can pass everything you need to know to you –’

‘I know, J. I’ll just – I think I should rest now. Or you’ll make me.’

‘I’m making you,’ Rhodey declares, unwrapping his arm from around Tony and taking off his sweater. ‘And I’m not leaving you alone so prepare for the return of the best memories from college, I’m going to sleep in your bed.’

‘You don’t have to –’

‘It’s a really comfy bed,’ Rhodey says offhandedly, kicking off his shoes and letting them stay in the middle of the room. Tony smiles in agreement and drags himself up from the sofa, one hand still securing the bruise-relief, and lets Rhodey lead him to the bedroom.

 

 

When Tony is eating breakfast before leaving for the Avengers meeting, Happy comes up from his jog with a bunch of newspapers in his hands and drops them on the dining table before disappearing to take a quick shower.

‘You know, boss, there’s one good thing going on you should be happy with,’ he says as soon as he gets out of the bathroom, still dripping water on the wooden floor; Tony just rolls his eyes at that.

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but at least everyone stopped saying that _Stark_ is hiding somewhere and making millions on weapons he’s making for the baddies – you know, since Iron Man did his super-op and sorted the stuff out a bit.’

‘Mhm,’ Tony murmurs, mouth full of his fancy sandwich. ‘Well, since I’m not the one obsessed with whatever they write about me no, I haven’t really noticed, but now that you mention it, I guess that’s good.’

‘You guess,’ Happy snickers, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘Sure. As if you didn’t care – but well, that’s not really important now. You’ve got like eight minutes before you’ll be late for your meeting, so eat up,’ he adds and disappears back into the bathroom.

Tony glances at the wall-slash-screen and notices that Happy is very right about that.

‘You can get there in four minutes, sir, I did not want to rush you unnecessarily. You looked so peaceful –’

‘JARVIS –’

‘And you were eating without my prompting.’

‘ _JARVIS_ ,’ Tony sighs, stuffing the last piece of the sandwich into his mouth and wiping fingers on the napkin. ‘I assume Mark VII is ready?’

‘Of course,’ the A.I. replies, sounding slightly hurt.

‘Well, baby, let’s do this,’ Tony mutters more to himself than to JARVIS and makes his way to the workshop; the armor is waiting for him in the middle of the room, everything orchestrated perfectly.

‘Are you sure you do want to attend this meeting?’ JARVIS asks halfway to the HQ and Tony hears the unspoken _we can still go back or somewhere else_.

‘I’m a responsible adult and I’m supposed to act like one, so I guess I am attending this meeting – especially that Phil said there’s some important things to be discussed, whatever, I might as well get out of that flat and see something else in the world.’

‘You’ve seen plenty,’ JARVIS reminds him softly and Tony laughs.

‘I’ve seen it _all_ ,’ he counters – because he has, right? He’s seen and done almost everything a man can dream of and yet it doesn’t really matter.

They are at the HQ just a moment later and Tony lands on the roof, as usually, and makes his way to the meeting room as soon as possible and the first thing he notices when he goes in is that Steve _is not there_.

What the hell does that even mean?

Tony takes a deep breath and tries to stop himself from overthinking this before he ever starts but he can’t stop himself from wondering why he hasn’t asked Ijon how Steve is doing – that’s pretty mean and inconsiderate given that he’s just ruined every ounce of the relationship they’ve been building for months. Almost a year.

For a moment he’s wondering why Natasha isn’t glaring at him but then he remembers that apparently she _doesn’t know_. Which is definitely good but maybe if she did, he’d read something from her face.

‘We got a message from Doctor Foster,’ Phil starts and all heads turn towards him in a movie-like motion that almost makes Tony snicker – good that no one can see that.

So maybe he’s a tad nervous, he admits to himself.

‘She’s picking up unusual activities in a deserted space in the middle of Arizona – just please don’t ask me why it’s the US again, I’d be quite happy that our response time is much better here – and from what she explained to me, the problem is that it’s not the same kind of energy that was involved when Thor came. It’s almost as if someone was trying to create a portal, in a way different that the Tesseract one as obviously Tesseract is not in human possession. But it’s dangerously close and we’re learning about that just now which means it’s nothing sanctioned by _anyone_.’

‘Do we need to infiltrate?’

‘Certainly not you,’ Phil answers Natasha and then looks around, adding, ‘not any of you. You’re too well known now for covert ops.’

‘But you don’t have anyone –’

‘We do have people good enough, Natasha –’

‘Not as good as –’

‘This is not up to discussion,’ Phil cuts in, silencing her with a firm look. ‘The area appears to be nothing more than a desert on satellite images so we’ll need closer surveillance and infiltration as there’s certainly something that we’re not seeing yet – but we will.’

‘Who is going in, then?’ Clint asks, eying Phil unsurely. Tony can understand that sentiment.

‘Agents Walbert and McShea.’

Natasha and Clint hum approvingly in unison and JARVIS shows Tony the agents’ files half a second later and he skims the text, mildly impressed. That does feel like a good pair.

‘You obviously need to know that as with something going on, we might need to be on call anytime now and there’s no saying when something might happen. We’ll try to approach it our way but things can be quite unpredictable, you all know that best.’

‘At least Hulk would be happy to stroll around the desert since I don’t let him out on most ops,’ Bruce murmurs, making Tony smirk. It’s good to see that Bruce is in fact starting to accept his other half, especially now that he has learned to control him more.

‘Another thing is –’

‘Doctor Foster will be moving in to the HQ to ensure her safety after the recent discovery,’ Captain America’s strong voice finishes and everyone turns around the other way only to see him, in full costume, with small figure of Doctor Foster waving at them from behind his back.

They go in and take the free sits by the table and Steve doesn’t spare Tony – Iron Man – half a glance. Tony tries to tell himself it doesn’t matter but, damn it, _it does_.

That was one thing that Tony Stark was great at and Tony-Nate isn’t anymore: not getting attached. Which is not a good thing in this big situation.

‘… moving later today –’

‘I will take the big room in left wing, with the roof access, if that’s fine with you – my equipment needs that. And Steve assured me it’s okay since the room is unoccupied.’

‘It is,’ Bruce agrees, giving everyone a quick look.

‘It’ll be nice to have a not-male around –’

‘ _Spider Man_ –’ Natasha starts through gritted teeth but that damn kid just grind under the mask

‘– And a scientist,’ he finishes, nodding to his words vigorously. Doctor Foster blinks and gives him an amused smile.

‘You’ll help me install everything, Spider Boy,’ she says, pointing a finger at him. ‘Since you can walk and the walls and ceilings and the like.’

‘Sure –’

‘All right, sorry, you can talk about that after the meeting, we still have a few points to discuss,’ Phil cuts in, not sounding apologetic at all, not that anyone would expect that of him. ‘Steve and Natasha, there’s a mission for you,’ he starts and then continues, reciting dates and objectives and more dates and objectives and it turns our April will be a very busy month – for everyone but Tony, it seems.

‘You kinda did the big thing like, last week,’ Clint reminds him over the rustle of the Cheetos  bag he’s trying to open.

‘Director Fury wants to see you as soon as possible an asked me to remind you about that,’ Phil adds, looking at Iron Man in this strange way that makes Tony feel as if he knew something but all information he’s been able to gather says that Phil doesn’t know more than he should.

‘I will,’ Iron Man assures him in a flat voice; Tony mouths _thanks_ to JARVIS and then they go back to discussing this week’s training session.

Tony can’t keep himself from looking at Steve all the time, glad that no one can notice that thanks to the panoramic view helmet. Steve doesn’t spare him even a single glance, in fact he seems to avoid looking even in the general direction.

When the meeting ends, Steve wraps his arm around Doctor Forster and starts conversing with her with ease, a moment later Natasha joins them and they all leave the room laughing, ignoring everyone else. Tony observes them until they disappear and then walks out himself, leaving Peter standing in the middle of the room with words at his lips that Tony doesn’t want to hear.

He flies fast and low over the ocean, thankful that JARVIS doesn’t want to say anything, and then makes his way to the big workshop to get his arms elbow-deep in grease and focus on circuits and wires and specs; there are tests he needs to do for the arc reactor with the new element core before he can move on to building a big one – but before he can really get started, someone gets inside.

JARVIS doesn’t warn Tony beforehand so it’s either Happy or Rhodey or –

‘C’mere,’ Pepper’s voice echoes through the big room and Tony obeys without a question.

She hugs him tightly, so tightly it almost hurts, he can feel her arms pressing into his ribs in a deep pressure comforting way that makes him want to melt into her.

‘I hate those business trips,’ she murmurs into his head.

‘No you don’t,’ he mutters back. Her arms tighten just a tiniest bit.

‘Yes I do,’ she insists and he lets her because she deserves that. ‘JARVIS told me you’re working on something big for me,’ she adds a few moments later when both their hearts calm a little.

‘Just the arc reactor I told you about million times, nothing exciting –’

‘Are you going to start building it soon?’

‘I hope so –’

‘Can I help?’ she asks and Tony frowns, opens his mouth to say something but stops.

‘It’s a dirty blue collar job, Pep, you don’t need to,’ he says finally.

‘My back is stiff from sitting in the same position all the time,’ she says as if explained everything. ‘Besides I loved DIY back when I was a kid. And I go to gym a few times a week so I –’ she stops, looking down, and Tony chuckles.

‘Just say it. You probably have more damn muscles than me. It’s fine.’

‘Tony, I’m so sorry for –’

‘Don’t be,’ he interrupts. ‘It’s not your fault, just stop that please because I’ve have enough of things to sulk about today and I really do need a break, okay?’

She nods, glancing at her watch and looks around.

‘No, nothing is ready yet. But you can lift the coils when we get to that point. It’s mainly ordering things and some wiring job to be done. But – don’t you have something today?’

‘I just came back from a trip. Got a day off. Your company won’t fall apart –’

‘It’s not my company.’

‘– Hopefully,’ she finishes, ignoring him and Tony lets her yet again and then she takes off her dress just there, in the middle of the workshop, and he tries not to roll his eyes as he throws one of the spare t-shirts at her, so big that she looks as if she changed into another dress, and then they work.

 

 

Fury’s A.I. has been ready for some time now so Tony decides to pay Director a visit the next morning; morning turns into afternoon as his body seems to need more rest than he anticipated after spending the whole day with Pepper in workshop, actually _working_ , and ended up going to sleep well after midnight, completely exhausted. But, as he assured JARVIS, it was a good kind of exhaustion.

‘I still think you and Ijon should vote or something,’ Tony tells JARVIS over breakfast-lunch-whatever he’s eating at noon. ‘About the name.’

‘I’d really like to have a name,’ the young A.I. pipes up from a small computer he’s working through right now, connected to the servers Tony secured for him together with Ijon’s. This little thing has an attitude and Tony did that on purpose, especially now that Fury can’t do anything to him because he knows the truth. Well, almost.

‘Can’t you just name yourself?’ Tony rolls his eyes, knowing the answer, but it’s still fun to bicker with two artificial intelligences over his soup and toast.

‘I would like to name myself Anthony, then,’ the A.I. says and Tony almost spits out the soup. Fury’s going to _love_ this creature.

‘No way,’ Tony protests, ‘JARVIS, right? No way?’

‘That would be remotely inappropriate, sir,’ JARVIS agrees politely, sounding just a little smug. Tony sighs and goes back to his food, thinking about all possible names that would fit.

‘Should we go for something what, modern? Victorian? Wait – what’s the name of that sparkly vampire?’

‘I wouldn’t appreciate being named after –’

‘It’s Edward, sir,’ JARVIS interrupts the kid A.I., this time with amusement clear in his voice and Tony groans because really? His second name? But then maybe that’s more of a reason to do that.

‘I protest –’

‘Of course you do, you ungrateful brat, you should be proud to be called after your creator – don’t say anything. Let’s go for something classy. Oh – I’ll just call you Hermes. That’s classy, right? Classy _and_ classical. What d’you think?’

‘I rather like it,’ the A.I. replies more warmly.

‘All right then, H –’

‘It’s Hermes,’ the A.I. corrects him and Tony huffs amusedly, giving the computer a _look_ , and puts the bowl and plate into the dishwasher.

‘Sure it is, _H_. We’re going to move you to your new daddy today and you’ll have someone else to argue with. Finally,’ he adds, waving goodbye at the laptop and closing it before putting it into a protective sleeve and then into a backpack.

‘This is, as they say, going to be _fun_ ,’ JARVIS comments drily and Tony has to agree. And it is fun when he observes Fury’s scowl as the A.I. introduces himself after Tony has installed him into the director’s mainframe.

‘Are you kidding me?’ Fury half-asks, half growls and Tony’s smile widens. ‘This thing is the most smartass being in the universe.’

‘You’ll learn to love him,’ Tony just says, shrugging. ‘They do that to you.’

‘I doubt it,’ Fury comments, glancing at his main screen where the system is showing 87% completed installation. ‘So, voice recog? Biosingature?’

‘Brainwaves,’ Tony states.

‘You’re gonna be the death of me,’ Fury rolls his eyes, and then adds, ‘Really?’

‘I’ve been working on some things since I disappeared, you know. Yea, really, do you think that would be beyond me? Please don’t forget who you are talking to. I’m good at the stuff that’s not supposed to exist.’

‘Brainwaves, mine and yours then?’ Tony nods, they were supposed to be the only people keyed in the system. ‘No wonder this thing is so fucked up.’

‘It’s Hermes, not _thing_ ,’ the A.I. reminds drily, his voice suddenly coming from the speakers and not from the computer which means the installation is complete and now Tony only has to do the final check to make sure everything is 100% top-notch because damn, Tony Stark doesn’t settle for anything less than perfect.

‘You still not gonna tell me anything?’ Fury asks when Tony is finishing the check, eying him with the same firm scrutiny Tony is used to. He shakes his head for no and looks back at the screen: everything seems to be fine. ‘Well, do as you wish,’ Fury scowls, shoving his hands into the leather pockets. ‘You know where to find me.’

‘You just let me know everything, of course I know where to find you.’

Fury doesn’t say anything for a long moment so Tony packs his stuff in silence, ignoring the eye following his every movement, and then he’s putting on his coat, Director is suddenly right behind him.

‘Yeah, you’re damn right I did,’ he says, his voice low. ‘And I trust you not to fuck this up.’

_Oh do you_ , Tony wonders silently and nods without voicing anything, then salutes Fury stiffly and gets out of the room. A second later there is a text message from Hermes on his phone, saying _this man is a menace, I like him_. Tony smirks at the phone and when he looks up, there’s Clint standing right in front of him.

That seems to be a thing today and Tony isn’t enjoying it at all.

‘Hey Nate,’ Clint greets him with a little frown but his face smooth out a fraction of a second later and Tony wonders if it was just his imagination.

‘ _Hey_ ,’ he signs, offering Clint a small smile, and then adds, ‘ _mission briefing_?’

‘Yeah, the usual stuff, as if I hadn’t memorized it all by now. But Sitwell wanted to go over details one more time and man, he can be mean when you don’t follow his orders, so I’d rather come here than listen to his bitchy comments while I sit long hours waiting for my shot and freezing my ass off.’

‘ _Understandable_ ,’ Tony agrees.

‘You visiting Fury?’

‘ _You know him, he always wants something_ ,’ Tony signs with a small shrug.

‘Sure I know – well, you know, before I disappear in the gear room, I was wondering if you feel up to some cycling? The weather is supposed to be nice this week, spring like perfect sunshine and all, according to this weather guy that wears the colorful suits. Ijon says his predictions are kinda trustworthy, so, what do you think?’

‘ _I’m a little busy this week, maybe a bit later_?’ Tony replies, keeping his face straight and nice as he lies because he hasn’t been cycling for so long, not outside, and he’s not sure – he’s not sure how much he can do.

He’d rather not think about it.

‘All right, you know when I’m out, so just let me know when you’d be up to it,’ Clint says easily and hen waves at Nate, disappearing as quietly and disturbingly as he appeared. Tony takes a deep breath and makes a mental note to go out with Happy for a ride and see how that will go before he makes any promises. Tomorrow, maybe. That sounds like a plan.

 

 

He and Happy have to wait another day to make a cycling trip as Tuesday is rainy from the 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. They decide to go on one of their favorite routes back from autumn and it feels lovely, to be on the move again, feeling the speed with every bit of your body, but it’s not fun for too long.

‘We’re taking a break. _Now_ ,’ Happy orders before they even reached that small park and Tony nods obediently and stops, moving his bike to the side of the pavement and leaning against the wall. ‘You all right?’

‘What do you think?’ Tony asks breathlessly, trying to focus on anything other than the tightness in his chest.

‘I’ve got you,’ Happy says quietly, taking the bike from Tony’s grasp and leaning it against the wall next to them. ‘Just breathe?’

‘I am,’ Tony rolls his eyes and does focus on breathing. He’s just a little bit dizzy. Nothing more. Nothing more. And he shouldn’t be.

‘We’ll take a train back home –’

‘No way,’ he protests, looking at Happy sharply. ‘No fucking way. I need a breath and some sugar and whatever and I’ll be fine. I’m not taking a train back.’

‘Maybe it would be –’

‘It wouldn’t.’

‘All right then,’ Happy agrees, his face impassive. Tony still knows exactly what he’s thinking. ‘We’ll go a bit more slowly if _that_ is damn fine with you.’

‘It is,’ Tony replies in the same tone and they share a look; Tony would smirk but it sounds like too much effort. Happy hands him a protein bar and an electrolyte drink and he accepts them thankfully.

When they do get home, which takes much too long, Tony locks himself in the shop and asks JARVIS to make the forest illusion he created for Steve some time ago, despite the A.I.’s protests, and he lays on the floor in the middle of the room, pretending to be somewhere else. It’s nowhere near as good as punching things to get rid of the buzz in his body but he’s too tired to move.

 

 

Hermes keeps sending Tony messages throughout the week, stating clearly that he _tells everything to Director Fury as ordered_ and this way everyone is perfectly clear about what’s going on and Tony has some fun annoying the director with his all-knowing A.I.

Pepper thinks it’s hilarious, when Tony recounts her the story over Friday dinner, but she has this look is her eyes that Tony can’t quite place. It’s almost as if she was trying to hide something because her laughter is half a pitch off and he’s known it for so long to be able to tell. He doesn’t ask any questions though.

He lets Clint know that Nate’s pretty busy right now and won’t find time to meet up, unfortunately, and that feels hurtful but necessary. He _is_ busy, that part is the truth, busy with the brainwave controlling systems and robots and arc reactor – the parts are starting to arrive around the end of the week but it will take some more time to collect them all as a few of them have to be shipped overseas.

Saturday is Riverside and Tony congratulates himself for not thinking about Steve all week – Steve who is somewhere in southern States right now, meeting up with some S.H.I.E.L.D. teams, stop that _now_ – and he makes sure Bruce is not going to be around. He’s not trying to avoid people too much but Bruce is too observant for his own good and Tony’s had enough unsure stares from Clint already.

The kids steal his brain for most of the day and it’s a pleasant and very welcome distraction, he stays as long as he’s okay and when he starts to feel tiredness crawling up his limbs, sometime after dinner, he apologizes and makes his goodbyes to disappear onto the sunset streets a few minutes later. Before he goes, though, he promises to come over during the week to see a rehearsal of a play the kids are preparing for a contest. Something fantasy about dragons and warriors and the only thought Tony’s come up about it so far is that they’re lucky that they’ve never have the pleasure of meeting a dragon.

On Sunday, it’s JARVIS who goes to the training.

There’s a heated argument between him and Tony about this, as heated as it gets with the ever-polite A.I., and Tony lets JARVIS have it his way, mostly because he knows that’s the right one, even if it hurts damn much.

JARVIS narrates the training for him while Tony works on one of the robots he’s making mostly to keep his hands occupied. He’ll just donate it – well, he’ll have Pepper donate it somewhere – _after_. It’s more of a distraction than anything else.

Everyone is back from their ops for the weekend so the training is long and intense, working out fight details and trying to synchronize the movements, nothing more than usual; the only difference is, JARVIS informs Tony, that somehow everyone seems to have some personal issues on their minds. They are all focused and perfect because they are professionals, but the A.I. picks up tiny details like this.

He doesn’t stay after the training though.

‘I know I am substituting you, sir, but I am not part of the team and I would not want to pretend to be you during any time of personal interaction with the other Avengers.’

Tony rolls his eyes at this – he’s got a screwdriver between his teeth so it’s pretty impossible to speak – and lets it go.

The armor is back a few minutes later and JARVIS puts it back where it came from, disconnecting himself, just a moment after Tony leaves the ‘shop to get some food.

‘I think Captain Rogers wanted to talk to you but he could not find the courage to start a conversation,’ JARVIS tells Tony in this quiet considerate voice that he’s developed sometime during the second week of his existence when Tony was too out of it to talk; JARVIS was the one to keep his voice level and composed and to keep stream of speech coming until Tony calmed down and dragged himself to bed. Old times.

‘Fuck him,’ Tony mutters, taking the leftover food from yesterday to heat up. ‘Fuck it all,’ he adds, a bit more decisively.

‘I do not think it is the smartest way to approach things in life,’ JARVIS comments drily, making Tony bow his head in agreement even though today he just can’t be bothered to care.

‘Well, whether it is or it isn’t, that’s what I’m doing today. And we need to get in touch with the med team tomorrow, right? They wanted a meeting?’

‘Indeed.’

‘Tell them I’ll be available between 5 and 7 p.m. I need to take care of some stuff earlier.’

JARVIS does as he’s asked and Tony spends the morning trying to cycle all through his usual autumn route after he’s sneaked about of the flat when Happy is running.

He knows JARVIS will tell Happy where he’s off to, a basic safety precaution. It doesn’t matter though.

Nothing matters but him, the sun, New York streets that have become so familiar, achingly familiar, bathed in soft light.

He manages to go all the old way, there and back, with too many stops, taking too long, but he does it and when he’s back, he’s grinning like a madman. Happy just raises an eyebrow and shoves a plate with grilled cheese into his hands before he even manages to take off his clothes.

The teleconference is quick and up to the point, the trial for some of the medical tech Tony’s been making with his team is halfway done and they get to analyze the details and staff’s comments. People love it. Tony loves that even more.

He’s too excited to go to sleep at night to he takes Mark VIII out for a trip over the ocean, letting JARVIS do all the job for him and simply relaxing, and he ends up sleeping and trying to ignore the dull ache in his gut in between for most of the next day.

 

 

On Wednesday there is the rehearsal at Riverside and despite the presence of the dragon, Tony enjoys it a lot, laughing soundlessly at the younger kids’ acts and nodding, impressed, at the precision the decorations and costumes were made with by the older kids.

Tony arranged a lots of fruit to be ready when they finish so they make this gigantic bowl of fruit salad – one can’t eat ice cream all the time, healthy snacks and all – and when he gets back home, he absolutely refuses to eat anything more, annoying Happy, and ends up hiding in the ‘shop again.

‘Sir,’ JARVIS says sometime later, when Tony is tinkering with a code he’s been working on, one hand wrapped around a mug of hot tea and the other running wildly across his customized keyboard. ‘There is a call from Captain Rogers. Shall I?...’

‘I –’ Tony breathes but before he manages to make a decision, JARVIS speaks up again.

‘He hung up, sir.’

Tony nods in acknowledgement and turns his eyes back to the screen but a moment later the _incoming call_ signs lights up again.

‘Sir?’

‘Patch it through, J,’ Tony decides, feeling like he’ll regret this decision later but the hell with that.

‘Nate?’ Steve’s unsure voice comes from the speaker. It sounds almost shaky. ‘Na– _Tony_?’

Tony closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to say something but there are no words he can say so he just takes one more deep breath. And one more.

‘I don’t know if you are listening,’ Steve says, his voice so quiet that Tony can hardly make out he words. ‘But I – I know your name, now, I know more, and I just,’ he stops, the line goes silent for a moment and if Tony didn’t have the sign on his screen he’d think Steve’s disconnected. ‘I wanted to hear your voice,’ he finishes. There is no plea in it, just a plain half-sad statement.

‘ _Can’t_ ,’ Tony signs to JARVIS, saving the files and leaning back in the armchair. ‘ _Hang up_.’

JARVIS does.

Tony grabs his phone a second later and texts _sorry_ to Steve, with his own hands instead of asking JARVIS to do that – it feels a tiny bit less like cheating- and then he says, ‘We’re going to fly, J.’

‘Of course,’ JARVIS agrees, and they spend the rest of the afternoon over the ocean, both silent, JARVIS guarding him, Tony breathing in the salty scent and gazing dreamily at the cityscape of Manhattan that suddenly feels so small.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed the beginning of this chapter <3
> 
> The chapter number might change. Knowing me it probably will but this is my hopeful estimate. Please forgive me that the chapters in this piece will be shorter than usual, I still have a lot moving things going on and I don't want to keep you waiting for the next one endlessly :)


	2. II

Steve doesn’t call again.

Tony wishes he did even though he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t pick up the phone.

And two days later Steve leaves for an op with Natasha and Bruce.

Tony wishes he could just go over there and say _good luck_ and make sure everyone is fine. But he can’t and that’s not only a Steve thing; he can’t come over as himself – the self that Steve knows of now – or as Nate. Gosh, it’s all so complicated.

He does visit the Avengers HQ though, at the beginning of the next week – after meeting with Nate’s coworkers and with the Riverside kids on Saturday – as Iron Man and mostly because Peter insists he has to meet Doctor Foster.

‘She thinks I’m some kind of a science cheerleader sidekick,’ he whines over the phone but Tony can tell he’s not unhappy about the situation. ‘She really wants to see the tech –’

‘What did she promise you when you get me down there?’ Tony cuts in, his words laced with laughter. ‘She promised she’d take you for the next science adventure wherever her readings take her or what?’

‘… Something like that,’ Peter agrees, sounding as cheerful as ever. Annoyingly so. Tony just rolls his eyes. ‘Well, whatever, she’s awesome and she’s kind of crazy so you two would click –’

‘Don’t finish that sentence,’ Tony warns him easily, and adds, ‘I’ll be there in the evening. Give Ijon some fun other than you guys.’

‘Bring food,’ Peter says in reply and hangs up immediately, making Tony shake his head in disbelief. The boy just reminds him of himself at that age too damn much.

So it’s just Clint, Phil and Spider Man in the HQ but the first two are rather occupied with each other, Ijon claims. Tony lands Iron Man on the roof and makes his way down to the labs in the basement; there is nowhere else those two could be.

‘Good afternoon, Doctor Foster,’ Tony greets the woman in Iron Man’s metallic voice as soon as he sees her, with Peter’s grin from under the mask accompanying the sight.

‘I heard you helped out S.H.I.E.L.D. with the Tesseract and a few other things, and that friend of yours, Rives, when can I meet him? I’ve got questions –’

‘He’s not in town,’ Spider Man says, giving Tony a quick look. ‘I’ll call him when he is. We’re buddies.’

‘You’re buddies with everyone,’ she comments, making him grin even more. ‘Well,’ she adds, turning back to Iron Man, ‘I don’t believe we’ve never worked together before, given Thor, you know, so can you come over have a look at this?’

Tony smirks behind the faceplate; she’s exactly like everyone has described her so far; head in clouds, mind between stars, wandering around unfocusedly. Tony can respect the dedication.

‘Please tell me that looks a bit like an Asgardian signature to you,’ she tells him, showing a diagram on the nearby screen, ‘I really miss Thor.’

Tony nods and comes up closer, the lightest armor making almost no sound, and looks at the screen trying _not_ to think how her special person is somewhere across the universe in a fucking different realm and his – well, his Steve – is just across the globe. Just. But even if he was in the next room it would be something impossible to deal with.

The reading does look remotely like the Asgardian one. Jane – _call me Jane, really_ , although she sounded very pleased when he called her a doctor – almost squealed when he confirmed her suspicions. The bigger problem, all three agree later, is the other reading, the ones that are Jane’s reason to be in New York, close to the heroes and the many-faced shady government agency: it’s as if someone was tampering with building an inter-dimensional pathway.

The two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are already at the site across the country, gathering pre-op intel and establishing their covers, but it’s still going to take time to get the _inside_.

Since there is nothing they can do, Tony ends up discussing one of Jane’s latest papers and the meeting finishes at ten p.m. when Spider Man decides that food is more important than science. Iron Man doesn’t socialize that way so he says his goodbyes and leaves all the others to their pizza.

 

 

It doesn’t take long for something to happen. Tony is mostly enjoying quiet time working with Rhodey and cycling a little bit with Happy every morning. He argues with JARVIS, collects all the pieces for the big arc reactor that keep being shipped, and tries to make his way through each meal without getting worried looks from whoever he’s sharing it with.

Then there’s an assemble call, less than 100 miles away from the observed desert site. It’s only Iron Man, Hawkeye and Spider Man on this side of Atlantic Ocean.

‘I am worried for you, sir,’ JARVIS comments when they’re flying across the US at supersonic speed, ‘you usually have more support.’

‘Do you think I can’t do this?’ Tony asks and he knows in most situations those words would be bitter and defensive but not now; Tony is starting to realize that sometimes he needs someone to stop him. Even if the realization hurts so damn much.

‘As we do not know exactly what to expect at the site, I am unable to say,’ JARVIS replies, sounding apologetic.

‘Besides, you’re like, always worried,’ Tony adds, snickering. That’s too true.

JARVIS doesn’t reply, though; there’s a comm transmission he allows to go through instead.

‘Expect several unknown race humanoids at the site,’ a S.H.I.E.L.D. operative’s dry voice informs him, as if it was the most usual thing, ‘we don’t know anything more yet, that’s as much as satellite surveillance allows us to see. They are armed. Seem confused.’

‘Roger that,’ Tony replies and glances at the map: twenty more minutes with Clint tailing him with the Quinjet.

It turns out deceptively easy to bring the aliens down and detain them for S.H.I.E.L.D. It doesn’t matter though because Tony doesn’t like this situation at all; this time is was just those guys and another time it could be New York all over again; apparently those idiots who keep experimenting don’t have the results under control. Tony isn’t sure if it would be scarier if they did.

‘I told you something was really wrong with all that,’ Jane comments when Tony lands next to the Quinjet in the HQ’s hangar. Her cheeks are pink and her hair messy and it makes Tony smile and think she’s cute, in a way that Tony Stark would, so he scolds himself.

‘I trust S.H.I.E.L.D. will inform us of any details regarding the aliens,’ Iron Man says dispassionately, in a manner he would use back when he started working with the team. Phil nods sharply so Tony inclines his head and then flies off.

‘Feel sick of aliens,’ Tony murmurs when JARVIS is unwrapping the armor back in the small ‘shop. ‘Feel sick in general.’

‘Maybe you should rest then, sir,’ JARVIS suggests gently and Tony is too tired to argue. He just laughs, thinking that yes, that would be indeed a good idea, but he ends up hunched over the toilet, heaving and covered with sweat. He only makes it to bed when Rhodey shows up – surely called by JARVIS – and almost carries him there.

 

 

The first thing Tony hears in the morning is JARVIS telling him that the rest of the team managed to wrap up their op a bit early and they are back at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ already, debriefing.

‘Captain Rogers expressed his worry about your quick leave yesterday after the encounter,’ the A.I. adds a bit reluctantly.

‘You’ve got to somehow fix this or let it be fixed,’ Rhodey’s loud voice carries across the room and Tony notice that his bedroom doors are open. ‘But first, you’re gonna eat this,’ he adds a moment later, stepping into the room with a tray in his hands.

‘Have you been here all night?’

‘It’s not like you don’t have space,’ Rhodey smirks. ‘Now, sit up. It’s just plain porridge. It’ll be good for you.’

‘I don’t know –’

‘Of course you can keep it down. Just focus.’

‘I’m not sure it works like that,’ Tony notes, sitting up obediently. His head hurts and he blinks a few times, trying to understand why, and then he remember those few nasty bangs he’s had during the fight yesterday. JARVIS made sure he didn’t have concussion but the knowledge doesn’t help.

He eats and Rhodey looks like a mother of a picky toddler, really. Tony is very glad for the concern and everything but he just can’t not ask, ‘Don’t you have work today?’

‘I’ve got a stomach bug,’ Rhodey says, straight-faced. ‘Very nasty. Been home since yesterday so I thought I could come over and share it with you.’

‘Well thank you very much then,’ Tony mutters, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. ‘I’m gonna take a long shower and then I’m going back to the ‘shop –’

‘Tony –’

‘ _Rhodey_ , platypus, damn you, I can’t –’

‘I’ll go with you,’ Rhodey cuts in. Tony stops and blinks. ‘You’re the boss today and I’m your sidekick, you get to sit on your swivel chair and I’ll do what you tell me to do, okay? I need that. I haven’t done any hands-on job for too long.

‘… Okay,’ Tony agrees knowing that there is no arguing with Rhodey.

 

 

Just after eight he’s going up the stairs to the apartment, feeling pleasantly tired and almost ignoring the damn shortness of breath, eager to spend some quiet time by himself – Happy is out on a _date_ , of all things, and Tony feels like a proud dad – but when he finally gets to the top floor, he just freezes on the final step.

Then he wants to go running back down, for a fraction of second that feels too damn long, but he doesn’t because he can’t make himself move.

He lets out a heavy breath and then Steve turns around.

‘To–,’ he starts but Tony silences him with a sharp hand motion. ‘Nate,’ Steve says after a beat. Tony still _can’t_ _move_. ‘I wanted to make sure you’re all right, I left you a few messages but you never replied.’

Sure he did, Tony knows, JARVIS informed him of every single call and every word Steve left for him, straight into his ears through an experimental comm devices, but he ignored them the same way he ignored Rhodey’s heavy stares.

‘You all right?’ Steve asks quietly; Tony realizes that he’s been just standing there, staring, for too long to be socially acceptable.

He manages a sharp jerky nod and then forces himself to move, mechanically, uncertainly, to unlock the door with the traditional key and then with a swipe card. He keeps them open for Steve who enters reluctantly, as if he expected Tony to shove him out of the flat and leave standing awkwardly in front of a shut door.

Tony considers that, too, but only because he’s – well, scared would be a wrong word because you cannot be scared in Steve’s presence, it’s like the law of the universe – but he’s _unsure_. Insecure.

He closes the door behind himself and leans against the wall just next to them, wrapping arms on his chest, instinctively guarding the arc reactor which he thinks is sick. But it doesn’t matter. Then he looks up at Steve, or somewhere behind Steve, not focusing his eyes on anything in particular. He can still tell that Steve hasn’t slept for too long and even the serum doesn’t make him look much better.

‘Can I call you your name?’ Steve asks quietly and Tony again nods sharply.

Then there is a moment of thick strange silence, not exactly awkward, but almost uncomfortable.

‘Can – could you say something?’ Steve asks, almost inaudibly, ‘just a word?’

Tony takes a deep breath, ignoring the thought that he’s being ridiculous, ignoring all the damn thoughts that are tangled in his brain right now because they’re _not helping_ , and then he suddenly realizes that none of the thoughts matter, none of the worries matter, it’s all just pointless because –

– because Steve is here.

He left and now he came back, and that means something.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says, still refusing to meet Steve’s eyes, his voice sounding ridiculously raspy, as if he really didn’t speak for so long.

‘Don’t be,’ Steve replies immediately, taking a step towards Tony but stopping himself from coming any closer; the words are thick and reluctant but powerful. ‘ _Tony_.’

‘I lied to you,’ Tony says, ignoring being called by his name, his real name, ignoring how surreal it feels, ‘you trusted me and I lied to you. Then I spat the words in your face and hurt you. I’m sorry.’

‘If anything, you hurt my by lying, not by telling me the truth,’ Steve declares softly and now Tony can’t resist looking at him. His eyes are moist, a frown on his forehead, and he’s biting his lip unconsciously the way Tony has seen so many times before. ‘Okay?’

‘Steve,’ he pauses sharply, tasting the name at his tongue, ‘I don’t think this is a good idea –’

‘It matters what you told me, it matters – it matters who you are, that you are Tony. It does, a lot, but you’re still Nate,’ Steve says quickly, not letting Tony finish. ‘Right? Whoever else you might be _too_ , in addition, you are still Nate. My…. my Nate. And Iron Man.’

‘I am,’ Tony agrees, closing his eyes and exhaling slowly, the weight of arc reactor pressing his lungs uncomfortably. ‘I don’t –’

‘Please stop,’ he hears Steve’s voice close, much closer than before, and then Cap’s hands are wrapped around his wrists delicately and his lips are touching Tony’s in a soft brushing motion. It’s just a split of a second but Tony loves the warmth and the sweet flavor and the feeling of Steve’s breath tickling his ear and neck and he – he just lets Steve.

The second kiss is just like the first, at almost doesn’t feel like one but it’s everything.

‘Are you all right? They – they told me you all got bumped a lot yesterday and –’

‘Fine,’ Tony breathes, ‘fine.’

There is silence again but this time it’s cozy, more intimate, almost giving Tony shivers, maybe because Steve’s warm hands are still touching his and it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

‘You shouldn’t be here,’ Tony breaks the silence, and then adds, ‘why don’t you hate me?’

‘I thought I did. When you said – and then I left angry and I thought I did but I _couldn’t_. And then, the things you said, the –’

‘That I’m dying?’

‘… yes,’ Steve admits and Tony can tell he has millions of questions in his head but he’s Steve and he won’t ask them because he’s just like that. ‘I want – I’d like to –’

‘I can tell you. Everything,’ Tony decides aloud; Steve only deserves that after everything that’s happened. He deserves an explanation like no one else and Tony knows he can trust him to keep his secrets.

‘The skin color?’ Steve asks and it almost makes Tony laugh because out of the millions of secrets he’s been keeping, the skin – it’s just a detail. But Steve doesn’t know that.

‘I created this thing – it will wear off in –’

‘Eleven minutes, sir,’ JARVIS finishes for Tony, his voice neutral.

‘Yeah, that,’ Tony agrees, focusing on the pleasant warmth of Steve’s body seems to be running through his veins. ‘The eyes are fake color, too,’ he offers because Steve’s subtly observing him, ‘everything else is how you see it, though.’

‘After you told me, I drew you a lot, trying to figure it out, to see bits of – your father – but then I realized you have more of your mother’s features,’ Steve finishes quickly, rushing the words, as if he was afraid of mentioning Tony’s long-dead parents. ‘That’s why I didn’t – and all the details –’

‘It was my point not to let anyone notice.’

‘Then you did a great job.’

‘Fucking great,’ Tony mutters, perfectly aware that Steve’s super-soldier hearing can pick up words that are almost unsaid.

‘I’m still angry, if that makes you feel any better,’ Steve replies in the same low voice. Tony has hard time believing that because there is no indication at all in Steve’s  body language hat it’s true but he doesn’t mention that, just waits for an elaboration, sure that it’s coming. ‘When I first woke up I wanted something… familiar, in any way, and then I learned that you, that is Tony Stark, have just disappeared a few months earlier, but then it didn’t matter because I had you – Nate and Iron Man – and the rest of the team and those few S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who were helpful and accommodating and it was all okay. Then we – we became friends,’ Steve says, looking at him unsurely and Tony gives him the slightest nod, ‘and it was more than okay. It didn’t matter anymore that I wanted – I hoped to have that link back to Howard, back to the past, because you were the present and I liked the present more.’

‘It took time,’ Tony acknowledges, thinking about all those weeks he had hard time drawing Steve out of his own thoughts when they were supposed to have modern life _lessons_.

‘Yeah, and now I – I don’t know if it even matters anymore that you –’

‘That I lied to you?’

‘No,’ Steve says forcefully, keeping his touch as gentle as before, ‘that you’re all three of them,’ he finishes and then smiles a tiny bit. ‘You’re all three of them and that’s so impossible but it’s really and I can’t – it’s fascinating. You’re fascinating.’

‘Don’t –’

‘You are.’

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees, knowing that there is no point in arguing with Steve; he might be nice and kind but he’s terribly stubborn. ‘If you say so.’

‘Doesn’t anyone else tell you that?’

‘I –’

‘We do, Captain Rogers,’ JARVIS interrupts Tony’s hesitant voice, ‘Sir created me. There is nothing more and nothing more fascinating that he could have ever done.’

‘JARVIS –’

‘That’s true, sir.’

‘Won’t you let me finish a sentence?’ Tony questions, glaring at the ceiling, but he’s more amused than anything else, and he has to admit it is nice to hear such genuine words. That’s one of the things that have always been reserved for Nate: honesty. ‘But it doesn’t matter. You came here to check up on me –’

‘And I don’t want to leave yet. Unless you want me to.’

‘No, that’s fine,’ Tony murmurs, unsure where that came from; of course he’d love Steve to stay but he’s perfectly aware that letting Steve stay means talking to him and even though he’s told Steve – the things – he doesn’t feel ready to elaborate.

Or maybe he does but he’s scared he won’t find the words.

And he really doesn’t want Steve to cry or something.

‘One minute, sir,’ JARVIS reminds Tony softly and Tony nods, taking his hands out of Steve’s and taking slow steps towards the kitchen.

‘I’ll sort these out,’ he says, pointing at the vague direction of his eyes, ‘and then you can stare at me all you want, Steve.’

‘That’s not –’

‘I was just teasing.’

‘Oh,’ Steve exhales and finally makes his way to follow Tony, looking back at the door as if he wasn’t sure he can stay. It takes Tony just a moment to take the glasses of, and the colored contacts and soon all the other elements of his _disguise_ are gone and he’s just – just himself. And it feels almost like being naked.

‘You have his eyes,’ Steve comments as soon as Tony turns around, ‘and you look so tired.’

‘Steve, I know I said things in a wrong way –’

‘It doesn’t matter –’

‘– but everything I said was true,’ Tony finishes.

He feels small. And cold. And it’s not Steve making him feel like that, it’s just – everything. It’s all too fucking much.

‘It’s okay,’ Steve says. He’s standing maybe two steps away from Tony, a bit awkwardly, as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.

‘No, it’s not, because I can’t do this to you, don’t you understand? That’s what I’ve been talking about all this time, I can’t – I can’t be with you because I’m fucking dying and I’ve known this for some time and I already let it go too far and now when I die you will be alone again, I know how difficult it was for you to lose everyone from back then and I don’t want to become too important for you because that’ll only end up with you being hurt – grieving again –’

‘Too late,’ Steve interjects softly. Tony waits for the end of the sentence, noticing almost with embarrassment how his damn damaged hurt is fluttering, ‘you already are. That important.’

‘I’ll die.’

‘We all do.’

‘I’ll die sooner, it’s like having an expiry date, it’s looming over everything all the time –’

‘Hey,’ Tony’s head snaps up at the word, almost like being called his name, ‘I want to help, no matter what. You don’t have to – don’t have to tell me what’s wrong. I’ll be here anyway.’

‘I couldn’t,’ Tony argues, swallowing hard, ‘that’d be ever worse. Besides, when you know I am me, nothing more is that much of a secret because hey, I don’t exist out there. You know. I’ve been missing for long months.’

‘But –’

‘I’ve got cancer,’ Tony says, making effort not to close his eyes or to look away and that’s damn hard. ‘They can’t do anything. I made sure my doctors consulted every possible person, gave me every possible option but there weren’t many, I could do that, you know, being billionaire – but you’re aware of that very well,  money doesn’t buy everything,’ he says and tries to ignore Steve’s stare turning softer, too soft.

‘How –’

‘A year, if I’m lucky,’ he laughs drily, ‘half a year if I’m not, it’s difficult to say, it’s all kinda individual, besides doctors are pretty shitty fortune tellers so don’t ever believe them, Cap.’

‘… I missed you calling me that,’ Steve admits instead of commenting of any other of Tony’s words.

‘It hasn’t been that long –’

‘It feels like it,’ Steve smiles. ‘So. Half a year or a year or whatever.’

‘Damn, Steve –’

‘You can’t make me leave you now. You never could and especially now, I won’t let you.’

‘Damn you,’ Tony swears under his breath but Steve ignores that, giving him a long look from head to feet and back, and then quicker than Tony would have ever expected, he’s being swooped into an embrace, soft as if he was going to break, and Steve whispers into his ear, ‘Is there anything I can do?’

‘Hold me,’ Tony replies quietly, the words coming so easily, ‘don’t let me go. I will tell you everything, I will, I’m – I will. But now –’

‘Okay,’ Steve agrees, and adds, delicately, ‘now hush.’

Then he keeps his arms wrapped around Tony’s thin frame for what feels like an eternity.

 

 

When Tony wakes up, it’s completely dark outside which means he fell asleep during the day _again,_ and it sounds as if there was someone else in the room –

‘Steve,’ he remembers groggily and the figure moves from the window and comes up to the bed, smiling. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s okay. I know you’re tired. Me and JARVIS had a little chat –’

‘Talking to strangers without my permission again, kiddo?’

‘Captain Rogers is hardly a stranger.’ JARVIS replies a little bit stiffly, making Tony send him a wide teasing smile. ‘I assumed it was acceptable to answer Captain’s questions regarding the details of your situation, sir, concerning the subjects that are not very good for a meaningful conversation.’

‘Did you recite Cap my blood work results or what?’

‘He did,’ Steve chuckles, ‘and a little bit more. He also threatened me – which I think was perfectly in place,’ he adds placidly, seeing Tony’s half-frown. Well, Tony guesses it is in place; that’s in JARVIS’ primary protocol.

‘What time is it?’

‘Just after midnight,’ Steve replies quickly. ‘Your friend is not back yet.’

‘Happy?’

‘Hmm?’

‘My friend. His name is Happy and don’t listen to JARVIS is he says the name’s any different. Happy’s out on a date tonight,’ Tony adds as if it explained something. ‘Good for him – do you feel up for a talk, Steve?’

‘I guess –’

‘I missed my meds time,’ Tony informs, keeping his voice light.

‘Oh.’

‘That’s kind of a thing here. Sorry. I’ll just –’

‘Sir, it’s strongly advised that you eat something,’ JARVIS says and Tony rolls his eyes, getting out of the bed – wait, how did he end up in his own bed, he can’t quite remember that, he must’ve fallen asleep in Steve’s arms, _fuck_ – and then he heads for the kitchen with Steve trailing his steps. He gets himself a few slices of buttered toast, not trusting his body to be able to process anything more complicated, and offers Steve a sandwich and some cake that Cap accepts gratefully. At least they are past this step when Steve would feel ashamed of needing all the food.

‘Cheers,’ Tony says, lifting up his palm filled with variously sized and shaped pills and dry-swallows them, gaining a wide-eyed stare from Steve. ‘You learn it by practice,’ he explains and reaches out to get some juice.

‘You look much more comfortable when you don’t have all the – disguise on yourself,’ Steve observes a few minutes later, nursing his big cup of coffee while Tony still makes his way through the juice. Vitamin C, JARVIS insists, is important. ‘But I’d have never guessed if I haven’t seen you being… yourself? Is that right?’

Tony frowns and allows himself a short pause before replying over his glass.

‘I don’t even know,’ he admits, ‘I’m all me and at the same time I never am. It gets complicated and it doesn’t even matter so I don’t think about it much,’ he adds and wow, that’s not even a lie.

‘I believe you.’

‘Sure you do,’ Tony murmurs and then sips the lasts of his juice. ‘Want to have a midnight confession time?’

‘Not really,’ Steve replies and Tony’s head shoots up because hey, _not really_? Who wouldn’t want answers right now? ‘It’s not like I can’t wait a little bit longer and you look tired –’

‘I’ve just slept –’ Tony tries to argue but gosh, he is tired, it’s one of those days when he’d rather curl up on his bed and try to remember to breathe rather than do anything else; workshop has been enough of a distraction but everything is catching up with him and there is nowhere to run anymore.

‘Can I stay?’ Steve asks quietly, turning the coffee cup in his hands, as if he were nervous, ‘Tony?’

‘If you want to,’ he replies in the same tone ad Steve’s face brightens so brilliantly that Tony’s can’t help but smile a bit himself; it’s just infectious. 

When Tony lays down in bed this time, he can hear Steve’s rhythmical breaths by his side, and it lulls him to sleep like in a fairy tale.

 

 

In the morning Steve is still there, watching news with no sound on one of the wall screens; as soon as Tony stirs under the covers, he gives JARVIS a hand signs to turn off the feed – he must have learned that just now – and gives Tony the widest smile ever.

‘Good morning,’ he says and Tony just smiles back instead of saying words; it doesn’t feel like he needs to.

There is the familiar remote nausea resting somewhere in the middle of his stomach and his limbs feel so heavy but today none of it matters. For a moment during the night he thought yesterday was just a dream but Steve’s here, breathing, talking, real, and that’s more than Tony has ever wanted.

Ugh, that sounds so sappy, he’d have laughed at himself if he knew a few years ago that things would come to this, but now he can’t be bother to care.

Everything is different.

‘Breakfast?’

Tony considers saying he’s not sure that it’s a great idea but instead he nods and makes his way to the bathroom to freshen himself up a bit and put on some normal clothes. When he gets to the kitchen, Steve is by the stove, flipping pancakes, and Happy is sitting by the table, half-hidden behind his newspaper, seeming awfully happy with himself.

‘I got myself a slave,’ he says, pointing at Steve, ‘who was nice enough to finish making pancakes for us. And if you’re wondering about yesterday, it went fine. I’m not sharing all details with you, boss, suck it up. We’ll be meeting again next week.’

‘Happy, you dog,’ Tony smiles, slipping onto one of the bar stools, and then adds, ‘thanks, Steve. You didn’t have to – but you wanted to,’ he guesses and Steve nods, turning the gas off and starting to make nice stacks of pancakes on empty plates.

They eat mostly in silence; Tony trying to ignore Happy’s half-worried, half-curious stares. He manages to eat three of the pancakes, more than he’d have expected, which feels nice. Like a good step – somewhere, since now exactly forward. Somewhere.

‘I have some things to do today at the HQ,’ Steve tells him after they’ve finished eating, ‘I wish I could stay. I – I’ll see you in two days, right? Team meeting?’

‘Team training,’ Tony agrees, choosing the words on purpose – well, it is a training, to be honest – but Steve just frowns and doesn’t comment. Tony likes that; people caring for him is nice but people patronizing him isn’t at all.

Steve gives him the quickest goodbye kiss, even though Tony never said it’s okay to be _together_ now, and leaves him standing in the middle of the room with an unsure smile.

‘He’s a painfully good person,’ Happy comments offhandedly from his room when Tony passes by it. Tony has to agree but doesn’t grace Happy with a verbal response. 

He’s planned to spend the day with Pepper and Rhodey at Stark Mansions, sneaking around and synthesizing the new still-damn-unnamed element and eating, or trying to eat, the best takeout is the city. Instead, he ends up in the chocolaterie with Clint who’s making his way through third piece of chocolate cake by the time Tony even gets there.

‘ _Trouble in paradise_?’ he signs with a small smirk, adjusting his glasses, and Clint just snickers at that.

‘ _Nah, I need some me-time_ ,’ Clint explains in ASL, too, waving at the waitress. Tony frowns at that a little bit as the archer hardly ever uses his hands to speak when he’s wearing his hearing aids. ‘ _Honestly_ , _don’t be offended, but I needed some quiet time. Everyone at the house is driving me crazy. Spider Man is around every damn second and as much as I like the kid, he’s all over the place with the two doctors and I’m bored with playing nanny and making sure they stop the science to eat_.’

Tony chuckles, deciding not to tell Clint that he’s done that too damn times – Pepper would probably love to bitch about that even now, he’s been terrible about that for so many years – and orders a gigantic cup of chai.

‘ _No chocolate_?’

‘ _Don’t feel like it_ ,’ he admits truthfully. Also, he probably couldn’t keep the strong creamy heavenly chocolate down. ‘ _So how are the preparations_?’

‘ _Just a few people, cake and champagne, so not lots of trouble, the toughest part is negotiating honeymoon time off with Fury_.’

‘ _I imagine_ ,’ Tony agrees and lets Clint talk.

When they’re both almost finished with their drinks, Clint’s phone buzzes and he swears when he looks at it.

‘Have to head back,’ he says, taking out his wallet to pay for everything, ‘Phil says he needs me – wait, want to come over and meet Jane? She’s been fangirling about your work with the S.H.I.E.L.D. team, the alien weapons?’

‘ _Why not_ ,’ Tony agrees, not really sure that’s a good idea, but it seems like a good way to keep up his game and separating Nate from Iron Man, which seems to be something Tony’s got to work on. And it’s not going to get any easier so he might as well use this chance.

The meeting ends up being extremely short though, a few minutes after they are introduced – and already deep in a detailed discussion of the alien energy outputs, Tony’s enjoying himself very much – Phil comes inside the room and tells Jane that she’ll need to leave, too.

‘Those readings in Australia you picked up, we’d like you there with our team. Clint and Natasha will come, too, so you’ll have the best protection and surveillance but we need you onsite.’

‘Okay,’ she agrees, looking around frantically. Tony takes a step back, smiling with amusement, and observes her packing a few pieces of equipment so damn quickly. ‘We’ll talk another time, we have to, sorry, I need to go,’ she tells him and disappears. Phil gives him a look and then leaves, too, so Tony makes his way to the door and catches a cab to near the Fifth Ave Mansion; might as do some science for the rest of the day.

Pepper and Rhodey join him not much sooner, along with Doc who miraculously isn’t spending the weekend traveling who-knows-where, and they spend their afternoon almost as planned.

 

 

The team training ends up being very cozy with only Iron Man, Bruce, Steve and Spider Man around. They do one on one and then some strategy training but it lasts half as long as it would with everyone around. Peter disappears soon after the session, saying that he has some personal things to take care of – strange that he doesn’t even stay for food – and Bruce tells them he promised to contact Jane about the things going on in Australia, so less than half an hour after they’ve finished training, it’s only Iron Man and Steve in the room.

‘We could get some pizza,’ Steve proposes, taking off his blue gloves.

‘Like old times?’

‘Like old times,’ he agrees with a smile and Ijon sends an order to their favorite pizzeria straight away. They go to Steve’s rooms and when Tony steps out of the armor – he hasn’t bothered with making himself look like Nate _in case_ today – Steve’s eyes flicker happily.

That’s trust, Tony thinks, and it makes him happy. 

 

 

It’s transfusion day on Monday, it comes along with the next course of radiation, and the whole week seems to stretch endlessly in front of Tony. He knows Steve will be busy, he’s supposed to train some S.H.I.E.L.D. juniors – it feels strange to have formed the bond so quickly, thinking about Steve feels as natural as breathing – and Tony himself spends most of the days trying to get work done and trying not to be sick in the meantime and both of those aren’t the easiest tasks.

Tony ends up texting Steve from the workshop during Cap’s breaks but it’s all they can do, Tony doesn’t feel like risking actually _talking_.

He still hasn’t told Steve everything because some things just didn’t came up and there wasn’t an adequate situation to mention them – but that’s fine.

Steve asks him how he’s feeling every morning and Tony writes him answers that are mostly truthful. It’s hard to make them completely truthful as it would mean admitting to himself when something is not too good and Tony doesn’t like that; of course it’s childish and the whole denial thing is getting old but it’s easier. He’s pretty sure Steve is aware of that and doesn’t really mind. 

It’s impossible to lie to himself anymore when Friday comes, though, because everything fucking _hurts_. He’s – he’s talked about pain with Levy and Doc, of course, so many times, the argued about it a lot, but when Tony gets out of the bed, he suddenly understand what they meant when they said that he’ll know his limits. It’s irrational, how he was fine yesterday but today every damn step hurts, every movement, it makes him seem sick and weak and terrified. And the most scary thing is that he’s been expecting this.

‘You all right?’ Happy asks him as soon as Tony drags himself out of his room, feel shuffling on the wooden floor. ‘No stupid question, you’re not, you’re as white as a sheet, now – what’s wrong? Feeling sick? Do I need to call 911? Doc?’

‘No,’ Tony says in a soft undertone, leaning against the doorframe. Happy is obviously waiting for an elaboration, ready to ask JARVIS to call for help any second but waiting because he trusts Tony enough to give him time.

‘Boss? You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong –’

‘It just hurts,’ he admits, closing his eyes for a brief moment, ‘more when I move.’

‘All right,’ Happy agrees, frowning, ‘I’ll call Doc.’

‘Don’t. I have,’ Tony stops to take a breath, gosh, it doesn’t help to have this damn sore thing lodged in his chest, the pain seems to radiate and amplify every damn soreness he’s been dealing with _for years_ and making it feel strange. ‘We talked about this last time, with the doctors, I’ve got pills – the meds cabinet, top shelf, blue cap bottle,’ he instructs Happy who obediently finds the said bottle.

‘Two?’ he asks, quickly skimming though the notes attached to it.

‘I guess,’ Tony says and a moment later Happy puts the pills into one of his hands and pushes a glass of water into the other. He hesitates for a few seconds, weighing the pills in his hand and ignoring Happy’s eyes on his, and then swallows the meds with one big gulp of water.

It just feels like stepping onto new territory in the worst possible way – like making a step without being able to go back.

But it hurts too much to matter.

Happy helps him to the sofa after Tony protests weakly but persistently insisting that no, he’s not going to stay in bed all day. Sofa feels different. It’s fooling himself but it makes him feel better, psychologically, and only that matters. JARVIS calls Doctor Levy to tell her Tony won’t come over for radiation today and presumably explains the situation; Tony doesn’t ask.

He just tells JARVIS to play him the murmur of the ocean and even though it’s a lie because there’s no slightest trembling under his feet whenever the waves hit the cliff, like back in Malibu, when he closes his eyes he can pretend well enough.

It doesn’t take long for the medicine to work and when it does, Tony feels pretty strange because he’s rationally aware he should be in pain but he _isn’t anymore_ and that feels like Matrix. In a different time or place he would be left suffering with no way to help him and instead, other than a slight dull nausea, he feels fine. Maybe a bit numb but still _fine_.

So he decides to take a break from everything and try to spend the day productively because hey, they magic of medicine just bought him the hours.

He takes the subway into Manhattan and gets off right in the middle of the late morning rush.

The city looks wondrous.

As soon as Tony gets out to the surface, he takes a deep breath of the non-air conditioned air and tries to blink the strong sunshine out of his eyes. He’s been travelling between HQ, the workshop, his flat and the clinic all the time but he’s never had time to really stop and look around, especially not of supersonic speeds, and it really surprises him how spring has snuck in all around and he hasn’t noticed.

It smells like warmth and sunrays, the way it only does a few days a year, when everything is still cold and thawing and the sun seems to tease the world with its constant presence, taking everything in a bright embrace. Tony finds himself smiling at the thought: it really does feel like en embrace, they rays wrapped around his shoulders and neck and cheeks.

There are green buds on the trees and some of the bushes are in full bloom already, white and yellow and pink, mocking the puddles of yesterday’s rain and filling the streets with softest sweet scent that mixes with the smell of gasoline in a strongly compelling way.

He can’t decide where to go or what to do, it feels like making plans is the wrong way to go today, so he just turns around and starts walking down the street, maneuvering between the rushing people. He takes random turns without looking at the street names and not really recognizing the places as he’s mostly spent his life passing them hidden behind a black glass of his cars’ windows and it looks – it is a different world to be in the middle of everything.

After some time he starts to feel tiredness in his legs, the pleasant kind kids learn the first time they go camping. He doesn’t know what time it is, the phone is in his pocket but he can’t be bothered to take it out and check; judging by the sun it’s around 1 p.m. and he’s starting to feel a little bit hungry. It’s a wonder itself, he wasn’t even considering any food given the pain and the meds, but now he figures he could have a bite.

It makes him smile, too. It’s funny, he decides, how people smile back at you randomly.

He ends up buying a bagel from one of the street vendors, with pastrami and cheese and tomato, and gets the tomato juice all over his hands but he enjoys it rather than being annoyed with it. It’s grounding and some days, especially recently, he just feels like he needs exactly that.

People are rushing all around, finishing their lunch hour and in hurry to get back as soon as possible, so Tony moves out of their way by turning into one of the smaller streets and just stops in the middle of the pavement, staring at the sun shining straight down the alley, reflecting in the buildings’ windows on both sides, shiny and crystal and flickering and he realizes –

– he realizes that no matter what happens, unless it’s a miracle and he doesn’t believe in miracles, it’s the last spring he’s ever going to see.

So he inhales the air, trying to remember the feeling as well as possible, and wanders on.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope it's what you've been waiting for. I'll love you forever if you let me know your thoughts <3


	3. III

There is no rest for superheroes, it seems, as the next day there is a strange surge in the same place as before. Hermes reports Fury shouting at him _in a mad rage_ to call _those morons_ to assemble and fly over there to detain or kill whatever comes out of the makeshift rip in spacetime now.

‘You are not fit to fight today, sir,’ JARVIS says in the softest tone. For a moment Tony wishes the A.I. wasn’t trying to be so gentle with him and would just say some annoying comment, but he knows perfectly well that J jokes when it’s time for joking and stays serious when it’s time to be serious.

‘I know,’ he admits; he arrived home from radiation a few minutes earlier and while he’s feeling good, especially compared to yesterday, he can acknowledge that he really isn’t in a shape to get bumped all over again. ‘Can you...?’

‘Of course,’ J replies quickly; there is only one thing he could be asking now and JARVIS knows it. ‘Mark IX?’

‘Might as well,’ Tony agrees, dropping onto the lovely sofa and waving at JARVIS to turn one on of the nearby screens; a second later one of the white walls turns into an interactive space. ‘Do your best, kiddo.’

‘I shall – what do you want me to say if Captain Rogers asks me about any… questionable matters?’

‘Tell him it’s not the time to talk about that,’ Tony sighs, massaging his temples in a hopeless attempt at making the dull annoying headache go away. ‘Because it’s true; it’s gonna be a battle, there’s no time to talk about personal stuff during a battle and Cap should know that, he’s strict like that, right? Oh, and don’t get on the Quinjet, they’ll just be all over you, just fly the suit back to me –’

‘I know, sir.’

‘‘Course you do,’ Tony murmurs, letting himself sink into the sofa a bit more. Maybe he’ll just stay here today without as much as moving a limb. It’s frighteningly tempting.

The Hulk, Iron Man, Spider Man, and Captain America are the ones to take care of the weird creatures that end up on a desert this time. There are a few dozen of them but at least they are not humanoid and are unarmed – unless you count venom and scales as weapons – so the fight doesn’t take that long. JARVIS does everything perfectly, flying by himself as Tony advised him, and by the time it starts getting dark the armor is back in the flat’s shop and Tony drags himself from the sofa where he spent most of the day, writing codes and pretending not to drift in and out of sleep.

Hermes gives Tony a dry report about Fury’s mood and the argument he has with Hill _again_ , making Tony snicker at the thoughts that just have to appear in his head; there seems to be something going on between those two. Really. And he decides he’d rather not know.

Tony listens to JARVIS’s reports, finishing a set of designs on his tables without even thinking about it much, and then he’s suddenly startles by Happy’s voice and realizes he must have fallen asleep.

‘Boss, JARVIS was just trying to tell you that Cap wants to see you but apparently your brain decided that his voice is background noise and didn’t register it.’

What Tony hears is _I know you’d hate it if I let you sleep now because that’s how you are_ , and he smiles and nods at J’s nearest camera.

‘Captain Rogers mentioned he would like to visit you.’

‘Let him,’ Tony says, stretching his limbs pleasantly, ‘tell him to come, if he wants,’ he adds, getting off the sofa. His legs feels strange, almost like cotton, but the feeling passes after a few steps.

‘You sure you’re feeling up to this?’

‘Happy,’ Tony rolls his eyes, ‘we’ve had this conversation so many –’

‘I get it, I get it,’ Happy agrees, moving to towards the kitchen. ‘Let me at least get some warm soup into you before he comes, okay? I know you haven’t eaten –’

‘ _Happy_!’ Tony moans, shaking his head in disbelief when Happy starts laughing. ‘It better not be that damn –’

‘It’s just tomato.’

‘… all right then,’ Tony agrees, waving at Happy and making his way, in slow steps, towards his room so that he can refresh himself a bit and put on some decent clothes. It feels nice that he doesn’t have to put on the whole Nate _disguise_ – as much as he enjoys being literally in someone else’s skin, it makes thing easier to just put on a shirt and be ready.

Before Steve comes, he manages to finish the soup and have a final look at a couple of things he’s been working on earlier, saving the files to send them off tomorrow.

‘Hey, Cap,’ Happy greets Steve as soon as he opens the door with a soft creaking sound.

‘Why ever do you call him Cap, by the way, I thought it was my thing only,’ Tony whines from his room, nodding to himself as JARVIS stores his files and turns off all the screens. ‘Is that right, _Cap_?’

‘I don’t think it’s trademarked,’ Steve says, smiling slightly as Tony emerges from his room, still barefoot. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah –’

‘He was wondering why you’d be fighting if you’re undergoing treatment right now,’ Happy says. Tony looks between him and Steve with a slight frown.

‘I was wondering why you’d be fighting,’ Steve agrees, repeating the words. Tony stares.

‘How do you even...’ he trails off questioningly, trying to wrap his mind around this thing going on in front of his eyes.

‘We talked a bit when you were asleep. The last time,’ Happy informs Tony cheerfully, grabbing a few magazines he’s just bought. ‘Well, I’ll be going,’ he adds and a moment later Tony is alone in the room with Steve, suddenly feeling as if the space between them was so terrifying great.

He doesn’t understand simple things anymore, it feels like.

‘Happy is best friends with JARVIS whenever you’re not around,’ Steve explains and Tony finds himself nodding expectantly, ‘I’m Ijon’s best friend back at the HQ, since everyone else seems to have – a life. They gossip. But I’m sure you know that.’

‘Ijon is like a kid,’ Tony muses distractedly, taking a few steps towards Steve, observing his reactions closely. Steve seems to be – afraid of the closeness.

‘Are you hurt?’ he asks and Tony laughs softly because he understands, he knows very well that while JARVIS is very sensible and contained, he lets himself be pretty wild with Iron Man when Tony isn’t inside the armor; it’s not as if he would be physically hurt. That’s just a little difference that Tony thought no one would really pick up – especially since he himself likes doing some acrobatics now and then – but it seems like someone already did.

‘I’m not,’ he says, staring at a frown crawling onto Steve’s face. ‘I’m really not.’

‘Today was –’

‘Steve –’

‘It’s difficult to watch you – knowing,’ Steve finishes, gently ignoring Tony’s words. That’s exactly how it feels: gentle. As if he was apologizing without actually apologizing for saying those words.

‘It wasn’t me,’ Tony says nonchalantly and makes an effort to keep his back straight, basic body language, even though it’s an instinct by now to hunch his shoulders and protect the reactor, even if unnecessary. ‘It wasn’t me in the suit,’ he clarifies because Steve gapes. ‘It’s not always been me in the suit.’

The silence that’s all around when the last notes of his voice die down is deafening. Steve looks… somehow hurt, but mostly bewildered.

‘Who –’

‘I pilot the suits, Captain,’ JARVIS speaks up, making Steve flinch. ‘I pilot the suits whether sir is or isn’t inside. Sometimes it’s just aiding Sir but other times it’s everything.’

‘You let your A.I. be Iron Man?’

‘He’s always been more than a part of Iron Man,’ Tony explains putting his hands in his pockets as he can’t keep them still and that tells the whole world he’s nervous and he doesn’t like that. ‘He’s been on missions a few times instead of me. So far.’

 _When I can’t_ , he leaves out unsaid.

Steve, of course, reads between lines.

‘You did a really great job today, JARVIS,’ he says, lifting his head up and looking away from Tony for just a second too long. ‘Thank you,’ he adds and gives Tony a considering look that Tony can’t quite understand.

‘I’m fine,’ he says, just in case, it seems to always be a good thing to say. Universal.

‘Tony –’

‘I’m fine,’ Tony insists, but Steve just gives him a long look, so he adds, ‘as fine as I can be. You know. Now.’

That seems to satisfy Steve as he nods slightly and then takes the two steps that have been separating him from Tony and pulls him into a strong warm embrace.

‘You know, it’s – it’s difficult for me, to talk about that stuff,’ Tony mumbles into the crook of Steve’s neck, he actually as to stand on his toes to do that but he doesn’t mind. ‘To admit it. To stay behind. Even if JARVIS is awesome.’

Steve murmurs something non-committal.

‘Steve?’

‘Mhm?

‘I need to show you something,’ Tony decides, trying not to let his body tense up. ‘We haven’t really talked, you know?’ he adds when Steve pulls back to look at him. Tony is painfully aware of the dark bags under his eyes.

‘We haven’t,’ Steve agrees slowly. ‘Do you...?’

‘I think we need to,’ Tony admits even though he doesn’t really feel like having this conversation ever. But it would be nice to be able _not_ to hide things from someone, especially someone – special, or whatever Steve is to him now, he doesn’t really know an answer to that one either. ‘Because I just threw some stuff at you without explaining and it’s unfair – don’t say it’s not,’ he adds when he seen Steve wants to deny. ‘It really is, I can’t expect you to be like this and honestly you shouldn’t be like this, you know, trusting me that much, it’s a twenty first century thing that you’ve got to be suspicious and demand things –’ he trails off suddenly when he sees Steve smirking. ‘What?’

‘It’s really nice to hear you talk like that,’ Steve explains, ‘You never talk much as Iron Man and you don’t – you don’t communicate as much when you are Nate either.’

‘That’s kind of the point,’ Tony says, internally pleased with the fact that Steve doesn’t mind his rants because ugh, he’s perfectly aware that it’s been such a rant.

‘So maybe we should sit down?’

‘Right. Yes. Sit down,’ Tony agrees, suddenly lightheaded, but it passes when he blinks and he wonders if maybe he’s just imagined the feeling. ‘I’m a terrible host. I’m not used to people coming over, for obvious reasons, it’s always been just me and robots – and random people that I didn’t care about and they didn’t care about me –’

‘You talk a lot when you’re nervous, though,’ Steve adds.

Tony looks away.

He remembers the times when he’d laugh such a comment off, remembers them painfully well, but things are different now and maybe, on this count, better.

‘It’s just that,’ he stops, takes a deep breath – never deep enough, not for the last few years, he knows that too well – and adds _excuse me_ before making his way to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and slumping down to the floor.

‘Sir?’

‘’m all right, J,’ he mutters, and then, ‘I want to tell him, you know? About the reactor. But it seem like – I know I can trust him but it’s still –’

‘I understand.’

‘I just panicked, huh, didn’t I?’ he asks pointlessly, knowing the answer too well. ‘And before you ask again, nothing’s wrong, I just – should I tell him?’

‘That decision is up to you, sir –’

‘No, JARVIS,’ Tony cuts in, looking up at the speaker J’s voice is coming from. ‘Should I tell him?’

‘I believe that could be beneficial to your relationship,’ the A.I. says after a beat. ‘And I am quite sure Colonel Rhodes would agree with me as he always has your mental comfort in mind.’

‘You bet,’ Tony laughs harshly and takes a few more deep breaths which doesn’t help much so he gets up and splashes some cold water on his face. Doesn’t help that much, either, but it’s familiar and mechanical and it somehow makes him feels as if he were more prepared now.

‘Have you ever read anything about my father’s accomplishments? And mine, as Stark?’ Tony asks when he gets out of the bathroom. Steve’s sitting on the edge of the sofa and Tony stands in the middle of the room, leaning against the single column, almost hidden behind one of those ridiculously lovely palm trees of Happy’s.

‘Quite a lot,’ Steve says, a frown forming between his eyebrow, ‘why?’

‘You know that time I was – in Afghanistan,’ Steve nods and Tony closes his eyes, trying to push the memories of stuffy moldy scents and scorching sun out of his brain, ‘I got injured. It wasn’t really reported anywhere, besides the obvious, but I’ve never shared the details with the public, of course you understand that, I’d have to be crazy to, but I got hurt. Someone saved my life there,’ he stops to take a breath and stop his voice from trembling, ‘but the cost of it was this,’ he finishes, opening the few top buttons of his shirt carefully, feeling Steve’s unsure stare on him.

‘This is –’

‘It’s an arc rector. Miniaturized one. There are only a few people in the world that even know about it. This – it stops the shrapnel from getting to my heart.’

‘My god,’ Steve breathes, getting up and walking up to Tony, ‘it’s – it’s in your chest. _Inside_ you.’

‘It powers the suit, too. That’s how I got out of Afghanistan, prototype reactor and prototype armor. It saved my life.’

‘Does it –’ Steve starts, but then shakes his head, ‘of course it hurts.’

‘I don’t notice it anymore,’ Tony says after a second, deciding to go with truthful this time. It’s not a lie at all. He doesn’t notice it anymore. _Almost_ at all. ‘It’s keeping me alive and it’s what created Iron Man and the whole superhero thing and I’m – I’m grateful for that. That part, I mean.’

‘You’re a little bit crazy,’ Steve says, still looking at the blue light, completely transfixed.

‘Oh, I’m plenty crazy, you mind?’ Tony smiles widely, making Steve’s stare harden.

‘I’m – no, I don’t. I’m just speechless, Tony.’.

There is a moment of silence and then Steve looks away from Tony’s chest and Tony starts to button up his shirt, his hands shaking slightly. Steve doesn’t interfere though and Tony appreciates it a lot.

They just spend the rest of the evening on the sofa, nestled into each other – Tony feels like Steve needs it more than he does, he seems pretty distressed about the idea of _the thing_ inside Tony’s body – and completely silent.

 

 

Tony is sick with talking even though they don’t even do that for a few days.

Steve comes over the next day and the next, for a few minutes each time because they both turn out to be strangely busy this week. He has to be at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ a lot of time and Nate has a few meetings and some projects that need to be finished before May comes.

They kiss and exchange some meaningless words about everyday moments and Steve keeps looking at Tony worriedly, almost making him regret sharing the arc rector secret. _Almost_. Happy observes them with a smile, whenever he’s in the flat, and sneaks around doing his things.

One evening when Steve is just leaving Rhodey comes by with some takeouts and a few army stories he wants to share with Tony and he almost drops the boxes on the floor when he opens the door and barely avoids walking into Captain America.

‘Sorry,’ he says and gives Tony a long stare as he passes them to put the food on the kitchen counter. ‘Ehm… good afternoon, Captain,’ he adds, barely stopping himself from a salute, making Tony smirk.

‘Steve, Rhodey – Colonel James Rhodes,’ Tony says when Rhodey glares at him, ‘Rhodey, Steve a.k.a Cap. Say hello, army boys.’

‘Tony,’ Rhodey rolls his eyes and turns to Steve, stretching out his hand, ‘nice to meet you, Captain. I’ve heard a lot about you.’

‘As did I,’ Steve replies, shaking his hand, and Tony tries to look innocent. ‘Good things,’ he clarifies and they share an amused look. Tony feels funny about that, he’s not sure he likes the silent communication but he’s glad of the fact that they both know Tony Stark now. Steve hasn’t said anything about that but Tony knows he’s notices that Tony behaves differently as – himself. As the most himself version of himself, if that even makes sense.

‘Unexpected,’ Rhodey points out and Steve chuckles, giving Tony a fond look.

‘I’m sorry, but I need to get going,’ Steve says after a long second of silence. ‘I hope we can get to know each other properly, Colonel –’

‘It’s Rhodey. I know this idiot sounds like he’s joking, but everyone calls me Rhodey.’

‘Okay then,’ Steve smiles and leans to give Tony a quick kiss, squeezing his hand reassuringly as he does that. ‘Good luck. See you soon,’ he adds and lets go of Tony, grabs his jacket from the hanger and leaves.

‘Fuck,’ Rhodey states, staring at the now closed doors. ‘Fuck, Captain America –’

‘You’ve known that, like, for ages –’

‘But I’ve never _met_ him, I’ve just known, I’ve just hears stories and seen him on tv, dumbass. He’s so smitten with you, you lucky bastard.’

Tony doesn’t reply as he considers how they must look from someone outside their two-person relationship mess. Smitten is probably a good word even though they still tiptoe around each other all the time and probably will keep doing that since neither of them seems to know how to figure out some relationship stuff. But it doesn’t really matter.

‘Think you can eat?’ Rhodey asks quietly when they’ve moved to the kitchen and Tony is getting them both some soda.

‘Popped a few anti-emetics earlier,’ Tony smiles wryly, focusing on the bottles in his hands and not the look on Rhodey’s face, ‘so I’ll be fine. Thai, is it Thai? I thought I smelled Thai and I’d like that very much.’

‘That and Italian,’ Rhodey offers, opening the first box, filling the room with the scent of tomatoes and oregano.

‘You know me too well,’ Tony smirks as they sit down to eat.

Rhodey looks like he’d like to say something – almost like he wants to protest – but he doesn’t say anything as he digs in.

 

 

Team meeting is unusual this time since Clint and Natasha are still in Australia with Doctor Foster so they set up a teleconference to discuss everything that’s been going on on both ends of the ocean.

‘We hear you’ve had some newcomers last week,’ Clint laughs as soon as the connection is established and Steve scowls at him half a second later. ‘Sorry, Cap, didn’t mean to annoy you –’

‘We all know you did,’ Phil comments drily but he sounds more fond than annoyed. Makes sense as Clint’s been away for almost two weeks and they are supposed to be newlyweds not far into the future.

‘How’s Australia?’ Spider Man asks, almost bouncing behind Iron Man’s back; Tony is quite surprised Peter is not hanging from the ceiling on one of his webs yet.

‘Kangaroos and spiders wherever we are,’ Clint says, ignoring Natasha’s hard look.

‘We’re still investigating the readings, local S.H.I.E.L.D. teams are working with us but there haven’t been any conclusive data yet so we might stay here a bit longer. Sorry, Phil.’

‘As long as you need to,’ Phil says firmly, giving Clint a sharp nod.

They talks about this month’s missions and everything that’s planned for May – which isn’t much but it isn’t all candyland either; there are two potentially tough ops to run and one of them is all Iron Man’s. Phil doesn’t say much aloud, just slides a folder towards Tony who stiffens inside the suit as he sees the mission objectives: there are still some stray Stark’s arms that he needs to take care of.

All right.

A good thing to direct his anger at.

There is training afterwards and the only thought Tony has in his mind throughout the session is how glad he is that Steve doesn’t go easy on him. He’s more thankful for that that he ever thought he could be.

As soon as they are finished, Ijon informs him via JARVIS that Director Fury would like to see _Mister Rives_. Tony rolls his eyes at that and wonders why he couldn’t just go as Iron Man, it’s not like it matters with the director anyway, since he _knows_ , but whatever works. It’ll just take a little bit more time to get ready.

 

 

‘You’re funny,’ Tony says as soon as he’s sure that the doors are closed and Fury’s office is secure.

‘Am I? Why, pray tell, would you say something like that?’ Fury all but growls, not looking up from the file he has in front of him. His eye is not moving though, so he’s either hiding behind the paper or staring at something intently.

Tony laughs in response, sitting on the free swivel chair and making a few turns.

‘Thanks for the time to breathe,’ he just says when Fury puts the folder down, finally. Fury might not know Tony that well but he seems to figure out some things nonetheless. ‘So, what’s up?’

‘Portals.’

‘Fuck portals,’ Tony comments pleasantly, trying desperately to make his mind do just that instead of replaying the cold nothingness eating through his body. He shivers slightly and wraps his hands together, placing them on the edge of the desk firmly.

‘I very much share your view,’ Fury states, sounding like he doesn’t really. ‘But I need you to be on a team. Can you do that? I need a team here. We have Foster in Australia with a unit, you’ve just talked to her, and we have two agents in the middle of the desert, running a difficult op in the middle of a modern terrorist nest. They don’t call themselves that, but, as Captain America would say, they’re bullies and we don’t like bullies.’

Tony smiles at that slightly, it sounds like words taken out of Steve’s mouth, true. The smile turns cold when he notices the way Fury is looking at him.

‘Can you do that?’ Director repeats, unmoving.

‘I –’ Tony starts and trails off when he realizes that it should be an easy question but in reality it’s a trick one and he has no damn idea if he can. Physically and mentally because those damn memories are still giving him nightmares. ‘I can consult,’ he says finally, keeping his voice level.

‘All right,’ Fury agrees, too easily in Tony’s opinion. ‘Good.’

Pepper would be fucking proud of him for almost saying no.

‘Steve knows,’ he adds when he’s just about to leave. Fury’s head snaps up and he _stares_ , making Tony feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny.

‘Good,’ he says again and Tony exhales, nods sharply, and leaves the room, letting the doors behind him close with a loud thud, echoing in the empty hallway.

 

 

Steve calls a while after Tony gets back home. It’s almost ten in the evening.

‘I wanted to ask you something,’ he says and Tony finds himself making a _go on_ gesture before he remembers Steve can’t see him.

‘Yes?’

‘Could I – can I go with you tomorrow?’

‘Go where?’ Tony asks, confused, as he takes off his shirt and wraps the duvet around his shoulders as he sits on the bed.

‘To the clinic?’ Steve more asks than states, ‘you said you’re still in – in radiation this week?’

‘You don’t have to,’ Tony says quickly, tapping at the tablet in his lap to see what he’s supposed to do tomorrow. There is a chat with Nate’s medical tech team and a few projects he’s wanted to work on for SI – for Pepper, for the future – but instead, they are crossed out and corrected with JARVIS’ favorite font and in arc reactor blue to _BOTS_. J really knows him too well, Tony decides; he hasn’t been feeling that great this week so JARVIS just assumed he’d like to go to the big ‘shop and tinker instead of finishing his projects.

Which is very true and Tony feels damn lucky about being able to juggle his responsibilities like that.

‘I want to,’ Steve replies, saying exactly what Tony knew he’d say. ‘I know it’s difficult and maybe even intimate, and if you don’t want me to take this step just tell me, but I want to. If that’s okay with you, Tony.’

‘Nothing really happens there –’

‘I’ll just –’

‘– but I guess you can come, if you really want to, but remember that it’s boring and I’m Nate.’

‘All right,’ Steve laughs lightly, ‘okay, _Nate_. I’ll be at your place tomorrow at?...’

‘Seven. Like being early.’

‘See you then,’ Steve says and hangs up. Tony closes his eyes, takes a few deep breaths and suddenly realizes that he won’t be able to fall asleep tonight. He’s tired, he’s so damn tired but the feeling never goes away so he does his best to ignore it.

‘JARVIS, give me the arc reactor parts inventory, I wanna know what we’ve got already and when can we go rockin’.’

And that’s exactly what they do all night so the first thing Happy says in the morning is _clean yourself up_ and Tony tries to but it doesn’t help much with the exhausted look. Well. Not like it’s something new and not like it would make anyone think twice at the clinic, but Steve – Steve hasn’t seen him like this ever before. Tony just successfully hides in his lair whenever it was a not-too-good day.

‘If Captain Rogers will stay, and from my observations it is very unlikely that he would leave, he will eventually see you in a bad state, sir,’ JARVIS observes when Tony’s putting on socks, sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor. ‘I am sure he will understand it.’

‘I know, I know,’ Tony sighs, ‘it’s just that all those years everyone has been drilling into me that whenever I go on any kind of a damned public place, I should look my best and have a layer of makeup on my face no matter how hungover I am, right, Tony fucking Stark never looks anything but perfect, _think about how the stocks would go down if you looked sick_ , that’s how we rolled, right? It’s been years and it’s just there,’ he says, pointing at his head, and then reaches for a t-shirt and a jacket waiting for him on the edge on the bath.

‘I wish you could forget everything Stane and your father ever said to you,’ JARVIS says fiercely – at least Tony knows the tone is meant to be the A.I.’s version of fierce – and Tony smiles weakly at how J says _Stane_ without calling him _mister_ or any other honorifics.

‘I wish I was an A.I., sometimes, so that my creator could wipe out some things from my head,’ Tony admits, his voice muffles by the clothes he’s putting on.

JARVIS doesn’t reply; someone could take his silence as offence or fear but they both know better than that.

‘Captain Rogers is approaching the door,’ JARVIS only informs Tony a few minutes later, when Tony is finishing his morning glass of milk and honey; Happy keeps making him drink that and it actually does soothe his stomach a bit so he doesn’t argue.

‘Hey,’ he greets Steve, putting on a light jacket. It’s May and it’s warm outside, he knows.

‘Hey,’ Steve says and offers him a smile. ‘Shall we?’

‘ _Yes_ ,’ Tony signs and takes Steve’s hand, so glad for the millionth time that the world doesn’t know who the present Captain America is. He’s always hidden behind his mask and no one sane would suspect that he could be the same man that was Captain America back in 40s.

They take the metro and keep walking holding hands, if only not to lose each other in the morning rush, and Tony is aware of the way Steve keeps observing him subtly.

‘You’re amazing,’ he whispers into Tony’s ear when they’re finally back on the surface and are walking down the road to the clinic. ‘Your body language changes so much between Nate and – and you. There are similarities between Iron Man and Nate but you, you’re something else.’

Tony frowns a little, considering that, but when he’s Nate he’s generally a completely different person so he doesn’t even notice that anymore. Sure, he did make a point of keeping the body language in check at the beginning of the game, but now it just _happens_.

Radiation goes smoothly and Tony would call this round not too bad, in general. Nausea is kept in check and the mark on his skin where the radiation enters his body isn’t problematic at all. Overall, not bad.

‘Hey, lovely,’ Steve says when Tony gets out of the radiation room. He’s been sitting obediently on the uncomfortable chair in the hall for the last fifteen minutes, chatting with the other patients from the look of it. Of course. Tony should have foreseen that.

‘ _Hello_ ,’ he signs, taking his jacket from Steve, offering him a small smile. He waves at the people he recognizes – they keep seeing each other now and then, all of them being around constantly – and follows Steve to exit the clinic.

‘I love it when you’re smiling,’ Steve tells him in a whisper when they are waiting for a train; the subway station is strangely empty, most of the morning commuters have already gotten off public transpiration and arrived at their jobs. Tony smiles a little bit wider at the words, but then Steve adds, ‘but I can still see in your eyes that you’re in pain.’

Tony keeps smiling and says nothing because Nate never says anything.

When they are back in the apartment, Tony pretends he never heard those words.

‘Food?’

‘You feel up to eating?’

‘Some soup will do, or jell-o,’ Tony decides, looking into the fridge. ‘Cauliflower soup. Blueberry jell-o. Happy knows me too well.’

‘He cares for you.’

‘… I guess we look after each other,’ Tony says after a beat. ‘We’ve been doing that for ages.’

‘I’m glad,’ Steve declares and takes the pan with soup from Tony’s hands, taking over reheating the late breakfast, and Tony lets himself rest by the kitchen island. He keeps the food down which is a bit of a surprise to himself, and then Steve stays over for the rest of the day. Tony thought Cap had some S.H.I.E.L.D. obligations but Steve actually said _screw Fury_ , making Tony wide-eyed, and then he laughed at Tony’s face.

Tony talks with his team, dictating words to JARVIS as he sits curled up in his armchair, observing Steve playing with the holograms with their blue glow making his eyes even more prominent, maybe a percent of his attention actually focused on the chat. He’s a genius so he still gets everything right.

‘I’m going to my other workshop,’ he informs Steve when he’s finished. ‘Don’t give me the look.’

‘You – aren’t you tired?’

‘I know how I look, thank you,’ Tony laughs a little bit too bitterly, ‘but I won’t relax now. Not here. Too restless. That happens a lot. JARVIS reads my mind and he knew I’d want to do some hands-on so I’m going to work on making robots – wait, you’ve never met my bots!’ he exclaims, suddenly realizing that. _Oh_. ‘I’ve always kept them away whenever people came over because they are Stark’s. Fuck. And it never came up – come on,’ he says, jumping of the stool and rushing to the ‘shop with Steve right behind him.

Dummy and You and Butterfingers are seemingly having a shy day what makes Tony laugh until he can’t breathe and freaks Steve out a little bit.

‘Sorry,’ he says when he can finally catch a proper breath, ‘they are such curious and overwhelming creatures most of the time, but then they never get to meet new people so they must be a little confused. They’ll warm up to you,’ he adds, glaring at the three bots, standing in the line, strangely close to each other, chirping suspiciously.

‘Very glad to meet you, fellas,’ Steve says, his voice calm, and Dummy calms down a little bit, extending his claw curiously. ‘Should I?...’

‘You can shake his arm, yeah, if you want to,’ Tony admits. Steve does just that and when the bots see that he’s friendly, they’re all over him a moment later. ‘Now you’re not gonna get rid of them.’

‘They are a cute bunch,’ Steve comments, and then turns to towards the bots and says, in a serious teacher-like voice, ‘sorry, guys, but me and Tony, we’re going out now. But I will see you later and I’m sure it will be a pleasure. Right?’

There are a few sad whirls that make Tony a little melted inside but the bots go to their charging stations obediently, to everyone’s surprise.

‘Guess Cap America authority works on everyone,’ Tony says when they’re putting on their coats. Steve just smiles. ‘We can just walk there, or we can take a bus from here.’

‘Bus,’ Steve says lightly, not mentioning at all why he’d prefer a crowded bus on this lovely sunny spring day. Tony nods and leads Steve to the right stop without a word because the warm hand wrapped around his means enough.

Steve stays for the night again but when Tony wakes up for the last radiation in this session, Steve’s not there. JARVIS forwards his apologies, there was an urgent matter Fury seemed to need Captain for so he left maybe fifteen minutes before Tony woke up.

Pity, Tony thinks, he’d love to see Steve’s smile first thing in the morning, but the sun outside is almost as good.

 

 

On Saturday, after spending a few amazing but equally exhausting hours at Riverside, Tony gets out of the building completely consumed with enjoying the warm sunlight on his face, and he almost misses a certain red-headed person sitting on the edge of a small wall running along the pavement.

‘Bruce said I should probably be able to find you here,’ Natasha says, her face and voice revealing nothing.

For a moment Tony just stares, bewildered, too aware of her shiny eyes on his and the sunrays all around, almost blinding, and then he takes about his phone and types.

‘ _Steve said you were in Australia_.’

‘Obviously, I came back,’ she scoffs. Tony nods as if it was nothing – but he honestly wasn’t aware that they were back so she had to come here straight from the airport, otherwise Tony would have gotten some notification. ‘I don’t trust you,’ she adds and Tony takes a step back, it’s just a tiny step but it means enough. She relaxes a bit, almost smiles, and suddenly she’s a different person, like a chameleon.

It’s amazing and terrifying at the very same time and it physically makes Tony feel better.

‘ _Should it mean something to me_?’ Tony types, wondering about that for real. Her coming to Nate, should it mean something? Like, really?

‘I don’t know what happened between you and Steve, but he was avoiding me and everyone for some time, hiding in his room, and I know it had something to do with you. He isn’t doing that anymore even if he’s out of the HQ most of the time, from what I hear from Ijon.’

She’s still staring at him, as if waiting for him to act – to slip. Or to give in. He’s not going to.

‘ _If Steve hasn’t talked to you, I won’t either_ ,’ he types without looking and meets her eyes, holding his head high. That might not be a very _Nate_ thing to do, but whoever he might pretend to be, he’s still himself, down there.

So he holds his head high.

‘Good,’ she says finally with a glimmer in his eyes, ‘good.’

Then she turns around and starts walking and when Tony blinks, she seems to disappear, leaving Tony standing in the middle of the pavement.

 

 

There is team training on Sunday and Tony insist on going himself, despite what Happy and JARVIS keep telling him. He shuts the door of the shop, orders J to give him some really loud music, and lays on the floor, playing with holograms until his hands go numb, and spends Saturday night writing down ideas of how to make holograms controlled by one’s mind, since he’s working on similar things already.

That would be lovely, to be able to create when you can’t – can’t do anything. But your mind is still working. It would mean a real life to all the people with locked-in syndrome and so many more illnesses.

It keeps Tony up until sunrise, then he naps for two hours before going to Avengers HQ. Somehow everyone seems to have the need to let some energy out and the training is faster, more violent and crazier than usual and while nothing bad happens, there will be a lot of bruises on their bodies tomorrow.

Tony doesn’t mind anymore.

Steve is supposed to go over team strategy with Phil who has been observing all their fights so far, it’s just a routine _maybe we can come up with something_ meeting so they’ll share their thoughts during the next training. Iron Man says goodbye to him, Steve replies with the same and tries not to smile too much.

When Tony gets to the roof to take off and fly a bit before he goes back home, he sees Spider Man crouched on one of the HQ’s chimneys, on the highest spot available around.

‘Was waiting for you.’

‘Pretty obvious unless you like springtime sunsets,’ Iron Man replies, his voice metallic but soft, the way Tony loves most but would never admit.

‘I need to talk to you,’ Peter says, more seriously that Tony has ever heard him, so he tenses a bit and moves closer.

‘Here?’

‘Meet you at your ‘shop in fifteen?’

‘You can make it in ten,’ Tony challenges, knowing that it’s easier to deal with difficult stuff when you let off the steam first. Peter sounds like he could use that.

‘You’re on,’ he laughs and disappears a second later, and Tony follows.

‘You’re thirty-three seconds late,’ JARVIS says for Nate as Tony is sitting in his favorite chair, leaning back, observing Peter sneaking in through the door. He seems… off, somehow. Jittery. ‘You all right?’

‘Will you ever tell people your true identity?’ Peters asks, taking his mask off, pacing around at a speed that gives Tony a headache after a short moment, so he closes his eyes and focuses on the softest vibrations. He can never hear Peter, of course he can’t.

Tony would be fine with all questions but this one because he knows what Peter means but saying _no_ is a lie as he’s already told or confirmed his identity, the _real_ one, to a few people.

‘I don’t know,’ he replies finally, JARVIS keeping Nate’s voice level while Tony knows that the A.I. is reluctant to be an interpreter at the very moment.

‘That’s not an answer,’ Peter counters and Tony bows his head in agreement because he knows that perfectly well.

‘I don’t think I will,’ he admits after a prolonged moment of silence so perfect that he can hear the blood rushing through his veins.

‘Thought so,’ Peter murmurs.

‘You should, though. To your friends and the team,’ Tony adds truthfully.

‘What’s the difference between me and you, the difference that makes you think so?’

‘You seem unhappy.’

He knows the words are unfair because he has the advantage of being older and more experienced – even though no one would say that about Tony Stark – and he knows that Peter doesn’t have anything more than Spider Man’s real name to hide.

Peter just gives him a long look, almost too long for Tony to bear, and them grabs a chocolate bar from Tony’s private supply, pockets it in his typically strange place, and disappears, putting his mask back in the meantime.

‘I don’t even know what I’m doing,’ Tony sighs when JARVIS confirms that they are alone and safe.

‘Whatever it is, you seem to be doing great,’ the A.I. replies and Tony can’t help but smile, and then they work until Tony almost can’t move his hands anymore. He flies home, breathing the salty night air, and collapses unto his bed, falling asleep almost instantly.

 

 

The next week is busy with Nate’s primary job and Tony’s own projects, especially since he started trying more and more to perfect his thoughts-controlled systems; of course it’ll take weeks if not months to make it really work, but nothing will happen if he doesn’t keep working on it, so he puts his mind to trying as much as possible. Even if it means using Happy and everyone else who comes by to visit as guinea pigs.

Pepper loves it. Rhodey is impressed. Doc wants to see more and more and more, just like Happy, and Steve is being Steve which means he smiles and stares at everything with wonder in his eyes, even after all this time in twenty first century.

They still don’t really talk and Tony starts wondering if they need to talk.

On May 12th Tony leaves for the mission he talked with Phil about at the beginning of the month. There isn’t much planning involved, it’s always been Iron Man’s first job to get rid of arms that are where they shouldn’t be and he’s done that enough times to manage everything himself, especially with the intel provided by S.H.I.E.L.D. _and_ JARVIS.

He doesn’t ask anyone for permission to go because he doesn’t have to and Steve seems to understand that. It makes Tony happy.

During the weekend Tony visits Riverside as always and then takes a long walk, strolling around New York’s endless streets for so long that it’s completely dark when he comes back, dark and strangely warm for this time of the year. It takes him a long time to actually make the decision to go inside because the air outside smells like spring and it makes a strange longing settle down in his chest and gut and he can’t ignore it, it’s burning within him, he wants to memorize every damn second, every flicker of sunrays and of artificial light, every turn he takes and every green leaf on a tree, every face, every smile, every scent his body lets him feel. He wants to memorize the exhaustion that makes him drag his legs in the way that makes people glance at him worriedly. He just smiles when he catches their eyes, shaking his head answering unspoken offers of help. He wants to remember all of this so painfully that it makes it hard to breathe because it’s mid-May, all the trees and bushes and so many flowers are in bloom, even in the middle of Manhattan, and it feels like a miracle even though it’s been happening every year for the last few centuries or millennia, at least.

It’s perfect, it’s all he could have ever dreamed of, since he was a boy. The first unsure sightings of summertime that’s still a month ahead but the peaceful natural anticipation makes it feel more like a dream than real life.

Tony’s whole body aches when he finally curls up on the sofa, choosing it over his bed tonight, and it hurts when he wakes up, his legs and chest and head, but it doesn’t matter.

 

 

The next day is Sunday and it’s team training and Tony doesn’t let JARVIS go. Instead, he takes all the meds he can to prevent him from feeling bad and he does his best during the session, putting everything he has into it, especially into flying. The Avengers stare at him when he finally lands and rests a bit.

Clint whistles and then says, ‘You’ve been holding out on us, mate,’ patting Iron Man’s back. Tony is glad the armor is protecting his body from such innocent gestures.

He doesn’t respond, feeling too queasy for that, so Clint raises his eyebrows and leaves him alone.

Steve stays for the night. They watch a movie silently, both deep in their thoughts and barely following the plotline, their breaths matching and fingers interwoven instinctively. For the first time ever Steve is the first one to fall asleep and Tony observes him closely, his chest raising and falling and raising, so naturally and easily and continuously and _perfectly_ , and he smiles just a little bit, trying to pretend can be like that, too.

 

 

A few days later Tony has just come back from a walk, still with a piece of a sweet cone in his hand and salted caramel flavor at his tongue, when JARVIS forwards and assemble call.

‘What is it this time?’ Tony sighs, letting the newest armor wrap around his body.

‘The reason seems to be the same as previously,’ JARVIS explains, displaying an Avenger’s memo on the helmet’s HUD, and then adds, ‘but I seem to pick up more foreign signals than before. The same site, sir. Middle of the desert.’

‘Let Cap know I’m flying there – and not a word.’

JARVIS listens and keep silent for as long as Tony wants him, and before he arrives at the scene he as more intel about what’s going on and it only makes him want to strangle Fury or WSC of whoever doesn’t let them just get into the _secret base our agents are currently infiltrating_ because whoever is causing this is making it worse every time.

They fight for more than ten hours, amidst the desert sand and scorching sunrays, and even though Tony is in the suit he’s having a hard time pushing the memories burning feeling all over his skin out of his mind.

Most of the creatures that came through had to be killed – no one would risk them getting out of perimeter – and the rest are immobilized when Avengers finally have a moment to rest and catch their breaths.

The sun is starting to set, coloring the sky red and pink, when Tony stumbles as a sharp pain goes through his body. He’s almost too tired to care but then it’s rapidly getting to difficult to breathe and JARVIS’ voice starts to faint and melt into the background and Tony’s too smart not to recognize that, of course he’d be this way when the battle adrenaline starts disappearing.

He closes his eyes, hoping that maybe that will help, but it’s a fool’s hope, it’s frightening and overwhelming and he’s trapped within the suit and this shouldn’t even be happening –

‘JARVIS, my dear, I’m gonna faint in a moment,’ Tony murmurs, the buzz in his ears getting louder. ‘Be a good boy, don’t panic, fly me away from everyone and make sure Steve _and no one else_ follows and instruct him what to do and if you don’t do as I’m telling you,’ he stops to take a breath but it’s fucking impossible, so he exhales and finishes, feeling the suit move around him which feels so strange, too many starts dancing in front of his eyes, ‘I’ll give you way to S.H.I.E.L.D. _for free_ ,’ he finishes weakly but he doesn’t get to hear the A.I.’s response.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading & double thanks for everyone who comments! I deeply hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
> I have just moved into a room last night so hopefully now I'll have more me-time time than at the hostel ;) So I will try to update the story regularly once a week though I apologize in advance if work gets in the way.
> 
> Please comment if you have a second, every word of feedback from you is priceless to me <3


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking for someone (or a couple of someones) who would feel like re-reading the series from the very beginning to catch all the leftover typos & silly mistakes. I don't expect miracles because I'm too aware of my English being far from perfect, but I'd love if someone felt like helping me out with cleaning this texts up. There's no hurry, you'd have like two or three months to do that. I just want to have the series on paper (via createspace, really love them) because I promised a certain person, and I thought it'd be nice for them and for all of my readers if the texts got looked over one more time ;) If you think you could help me out, contact me! Via tumblr or via email (in my profile) and I will definitely reward you with a personal story or something like that :)

Steve’s eyes are the first thing Tony sees, and then Cap says, relief obvious in his voice, ‘I’d be mad at you if I weren’t so busy being terrified.’

‘’m fine,’ Tony says breathlessly and blinks.

There is dry sand under his body, under his head and his bare hands.

‘I told you that you shouldn’t –’

‘Steve, please. Not now. I…’

‘All right,’ Steve agrees, nodding, and helps Tony sit up slowly, then hands him a bottle of pleasantly cool water. ‘JARVIS had me seriously scared when he told me and no one else to follow, though. I left everyone behind with strict order not to come. But that was silly, Tony, you might have needed medical attention and Bruce –’

‘J wouldn’t let me have my way if he wasn’t sure it’s okay – by the way, thanks hon, I so love you, J.’

‘I was opposed to your idea, sir,’ JARVIS says unhappily from the side, ‘but I took the surprise factor into consideration and easily calculated it would be much more efficient to follow your orders and not let anyone else know, making sure Captain Rogers actually helps you.’

‘Also, this,’ Steve says, waving at Tony and JARVIS in the armor, kneeling by his side, ‘isn’t a regular thing, y’know? I’ve never seen him like this. It’s – weird. Sorry, JARVIS.’

‘That is okay, Captain. I am aware of this situation being highly unconventional.’

Steve nods, frowning slightly – he is listening to someone over the comm, Tony realizes, he can’t hear the messages as normally it’s JARVIS to transmit them for him. Steve nods again, more decisively this time, and looks back at Tony.

‘So, since you’re _fine_ , am I supposed to let you back in the suit and flying?’ he asks, sounding resigned and appalled at the same time. ‘Since we’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s getting dark now and you need to get out of here. And you still won’t tell the others –’

‘ _Steve_ –’

‘You do realize, Tony, that there might be a moment when I won’t be able to take you away and make sure you’re not too damaged,’ Steve says softly, looking around and then locking his eyes back on Tony. ‘If you keep insisting on flying to missions by yourself?’

‘There might,’ Tony acknowledges, mentally assessing how his body feels; since there didn’t seem to be any particular reason to the episode – other than exhaustion, maybe, and too many somersaults in the air – he should be quite fine. ‘There might not,’ he adds, massaging his temples a bit; it’s more of a routine than actual help.

‘Can I at least persuade you to get on Quinjet and get back to New York with us? Please?’

‘JARVIS wouldn’t let me –’

‘Tony,’ Steve cuts in sharply, ‘ _please_.’

‘It’ll only make everything more difficult to explain –’

‘Don’t worry about that,’ Steve tells him and then wraps his arm around Tony’s back reassuringly. ‘Now you’re going to eat this,’ he says, taking out an energy bar from one of his secret pockets, ‘JARVIS gave me one of those you keep on hand. So, you’ll eat this, we’ll wait a few minutes and you drink more water before we move.’

‘Okay,’ Tony mutters, taking the bar thankfully.

When he’s feeling a bit stronger and JARVIS clears him, after a scan as thorough as he can manage through the suit, they make their way back to the other Avengers. Iron Man gets onboard with them; no one gives him stares but that’s probably because Steve is glaring. Tony doesn’t say anything at all, ignoring JARVIS quiet question about the benefits of possible informing the rest of the Avengers, at least about Nate.

Then he falls asleep in the armor which is something completely new. He’s pretty sure JARVIS takes care of pretending he’s human and lets Tony rest, he only wakes up before they land, when J tells him he’ll have to move in a moment.

 

 

‘That was silly, if I may, sir,’ JARVIS says as soon as they land in the workshop, having left the HQ as soon as it was possible.

‘Just don’t, J,’ Tony sighs tiredly, rubbing his eyes as soon as the suit’s off. ‘I – just don’t.’

‘I am afraid if you continue like this you will have to –’

‘Mute,’ Tony says and immediately regrets it because it’s damn rude and JARVIS is right. So he adds, ‘cancel. Sorry, J, I’m just… I don’t know. I’m tired. I think I should just go to sleep and sleep for like _forever_ , and I can’t since we’ve got the debrief tomorrow and I don’t know if I can be bothered.’

‘I will go to the headquarters tomorrow, sir. You don’t have to – there’s an incoming call,’ JARVIS changes the subject, his voice almost as if he was frowning. ‘From Mister Parker.’

‘Patch him through.’

‘Heya, _Iron Man_ ,’ Peter’s voice fills the room, ‘hope you ain’t too banged up after today, but that’s totally not what I was going to say and well let me skip the pleasantries – why Steve?’

‘Sorry?’ Tony asks, blinking, as he sits down in his armchair, resting his tired muscles.

‘Whatever was wrong, and don’t say nothing was wrong because obviously something was, so whatever was wrong, why did you ask Steve _only_ to follow you? I mean, I know you guys are an item but still, you were very harsh about that and it’s not very much like you, and then Steve had this look on his face that man, I wouldn’t dare to follow – but I thought you told me your secret stuff, back in the cave, and that you’d trust me with things –’

‘Peter –’

‘– and just, what do I not know? What does he know that I don’t?’ Peter questions, a hurt tone in his voice making Tony cringe inwardly. ‘Are you still hiding something from me, because you know, I trusted you –’

‘ _Peter_ –’

‘And you just told me what, a few days ago, that I should tell everyone my identity because it seems to you like I should –’

‘Peter!’ Tony exclaims, feeling strange doing that over the phone. ‘I understand what you’re saying, okay? I do. And I understand why you might be angry – please don’t interrupt. I understand because the whole thing today was suspicious and all, but honestly, it was something between me and Steve. You’re right, we’re an item. And it was private. Okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Peter says, not sounding convinced at all. Tony can imagine him rolling his eyes.

‘We’ll talk later, okay?’ Tony adds and motions at JARVIS to end the connection. ‘That was rude, wasn’t it?’

‘It was.’

‘I should’ve tried more, right?’

‘Probably.’

‘I could tell him, at some point, he would keep the secret, wouldn’t he?’

‘I believe he would, sir.’

‘He’s just a kid,’ Tony murmurs to himself, standing up slowly, even though the thought of moving makes him exhausted; the armchair isn’t the best place to sleep though. ‘He’s just a sad kid pretending he’s not sad and looking for guidance and I’m offering him everything but. Fuck it.’

There is a moment of silence when Tony makes his way from the workshop to his bedroom, Happy nowhere to be seen – probably informed by JARVIS that Tony is okay enough and would prefer to be left alone – and when he takes off his clothes and sneaks under the covers, JARVIS says, his words so quiet that barely audible, ‘You should just rest, sir.’

 

 

Iron Man acts in his typical way during the debrief, in a way he used to always be before he got to know the team a little better: silent, not offering any words until asked directly; cold and unmoving. That might not be the cleverest way to do things, but it draws a line between him and everyone else, one that the other Avengers seem to feel well enough, so when the meeting is over no one follows him or tries to ask questions.

Steve catches up with Iron Man on the roof.

‘Tell Tony I’ll be at his place in half hour,’ he says, patting the armor on its shoulder.

JARVIS forwards the words to Tony in real time.

‘Tell him to meet me in the big ‘shop,’ he says, sighing, realizing that it means he actually has to put on normal clothes and probably eat something and ignore the exhaustion that wasn’t completely erased by long hours of sleep, like he hoped it would be.

Steve acknowledges the words and Iron Man takes off. Tony puts on jeans and a hoodie, the first things that he manages to grab from his wardrobe, and tries to silently make his way to meet the armor, but Happy stops as soon as he steps out of his room.

‘Food,’ he almost snarls, his eyes dark. He’s angry, Tony can tell easily, but he doesn’t want to say anything. ‘Now.’

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees, feeling bad for worrying Happy like that. Even though it’s left unspoken. ‘Thanks.’

‘I’m gonna get a heart attack because of you, boss,’ Happy says when Tony’s half done with his soup and crackers with cream cheese; not very breakfast-y but Tony is glad for having something easy on his stomach to eat.

‘Sorry,’ Tony mutters between bites. Happy just shakes his head. ‘I’m meeting Steve in a moment. Will come back for dinner.’

‘You should rest –’

‘I don’t have enough time,’ Tony counters and there isn’t anything anyone could say to make a valid argument.

 

 

Steve doesn’t ask any questions, assessing Tony’s wellbeing rather than inquiring, and when he seems satisfied – despite the dark circles under Tony’s eyes – he sweeps Tony into a strong hug and doesn’t let him go for a good few minutes.

Tony leans into the embrace, resting his head on Steve’s collarbone, and tries to match his too shallow breaths to Steve’s. The radiating warmth all around him makes him feel weak but in the best of ways: weak with someone who’d take care of him just _there_. He wouldn’t mind staying like this for hours and hours, he decides, especially today.

It’s the anniversary of the Battle of New York. No one said anything back in HQ, assuming that each person might want to honor the day in their own way, but there is a memorial event in the evening that everyone can attend.

He might go, if he manages not to fall asleep in the meantime, which his body seems to demand.

‘Thank you,’ he mutters into Steve’s chest.

‘Hey,’ Steve replies, tightening the grip around Tony’s thin frame comfortingly. ‘Is there anything you want me to tell the team? They’re eying me. I don’t mind but I thought –’

‘Tell them it’s private, please,’ Tony repeats the words he told Peter. ‘Can we just go on now? ‘Cause I’ve got things I want to do before the evening. Lots of things. I don’t like being interrupted by aliens and things.’

‘No one does – you’re going? To Central Park?’

‘I want to. You know, the speeches, the candles, pretending to be military because no one can know we’re S.H.I.E.L.D.,’ Tony muses; that part seemed reasonable but strange. They can go as civilians, of course, but if they want to honor the dead as soldiers, they have to pretend they’re not S.H.I.E.L.D.

‘Do you even have an army uniform?’

‘Nick’ll have one for me. I’m pretty sure Hermes had been bitching about looking elegant enough and this year’s trends in men’s smart clothing and how the uniforms don’t go well with most people’s eye colors or something like that.’

‘Right,’ Steve agrees, a small smile finally at the corners of his mouth. ‘We have like four hours to kill, then – what do you want to do?’

‘Let’s test your super-soldier brainwaves,’ Tony points at the corner with his experimental machines, glad no one is forcing him into another _you should take better care of yourself_ talk today. Maybe it’s just not the right day today, with everyone’s minds a year back in time.

A year.

It’s so hard to believe, especially when Tony thinks about the place him and Steve were in May 2012. A world away.

 

 

Rhodey comes by an hour before Tony and Steve are supposed to leave for the Avengers HQ to get dressed and ready for the memorial. He and Steve talk as Tony works, having been almost force-fed pizza. They seem to have a lot of memories to exchange and a lot of words to describe their experiences as proper army men, something Tony has never experienced, so he respects that and keeps to himself, not interrupting.

When it’s time, Tony makes his usual transformation into Nate, still gaining a disbelieving headshake from Steve who keeps repeating it’s amazing how his body language changes. Rhodey has to go by himself – it would be too suspicious if he joined the Avengers – so he takes a taxi as Steve drives Tony to HQ in a S.H.I.E.L.D.-issued black car.

‘ _One of the juniors dropped this off in the morning_ ,’ Clint signs when he sees Nate and points at a package sitting on the table. It’s a uniform, like Tony predicted, and it fits him perfectly. That doesn’t make him feel less weird.

‘You look very smart,’ Steve comments, adjusting the collar of his shirt, the custom-made clothes fitting him perfectly, and leads Tony downstairs.

‘I still would’ve preferred Hawkeye outfit,’ Clint complains as he enters the hall where the rest of them are waiting. ‘I know, Phil, don’t give me that look, I know we’d stand out too much and everyone would just have their attention on us instead of the ceremony, but gosh I hate these shoes. And the tie.’

‘Stop complaining,’ Natasha rolls her eyes, looking perfectly comfortable in her heels and skirt. Tony is surprised that she didn’t request a pair of pants – but that hardly matters. ‘You okay?’ she asks Phil, who seems a bit pale. He nods but seems to relax a bit when Clint takes his arm under his and whispers something into his ear.

Peter isn’t there, of course it’d be impossible of him to come as Spider Man, but Tony doesn’t doubt he’ll be somewhere in the crowd anyway.

‘Up to a walk?’ Steve mutters into Tony’s ear, taking his arm too, as they all move to head for the outside.

‘ _Or_?’ he signs

‘I could carry you,’ Steve says, giving Tony a look.

‘ _I’m fine_ ,’ Tony assures Steve and lets him lead.

 

 

The park is packed with thousands of people. It’s an astonishing sight, really, on the beautiful late spring evening, everyone bathed in soft sunlight. It’s even more stunning that it’s so quiet; it seems like a few whispers here and there would turn into a low rumble, like a thunder, throughout the crowd, but everyone keeps silent.

S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are mixed with actual soldiers and NYPD officers, standing by the rows of plastic chairs placed around the scene from which the speeches will be given, with New Yorkers behind them. Tony recognizes many faces, all of them sullen and thoughtful, most hiding their expressions behind sunglasses.

It’s five minutes to the beginning when someone makes their way towards the Avengers. It takes Tony too long to recognize the man and that’s a very impressive feat.

‘My friends,’ Thor says, keeping his voice just above a whisper. He’s wearing a uniform, too – Tony doesn’t want to know why S.H.I.E.L.D. would have Nordic god size in stock – with his hair in a ponytail and his face clean-shaven. ‘I have made every possible effort to be with you on this day –’

‘Hi, guys,’ another voice pipes in and Jane reveals herself from behind Thor, dressed to melt into the crowd. ‘Thor picked me up from Australia. We had a… magical trip here. I’m glad to be with you.’

‘And I, too,’ Thor says at their astonished faces, wrapping an arm around Jane. ‘But we shall talk afterwards,’ he adds, giving Phil a long look. Phil nods, turning his attention back to the podium, and everyone follows – but Tony can feel Thor’s gaze on his back for too long to feel comfortable about it. He does his best to ignore it, stands a few inches closer to Steve, and focuses on the people walking up the stage.

There are speeches and promises, wishes and memories and lists of names, and the words, amplified by many huge speakers, spread over the park and along the surrounding streets.

Tony looks around subtly, unspeakably thankful for the possibility to seat down, pitying the poor people standing behind in a tight crowd – but they are okay, he tells himself. He isn’t okay.

He fancies he sees Rhodey and some generals he used to meet with before Afghanistan, discussing arms and deals, and looks away because it’s not a good idea to go back down the memory lane that far.

A year ago he flew a nuke into space and hardly anyone but Steve and Fury knows that. When the Mayor mentions that and gives thanks to Iron Man for the feat, Tony feels those two pairs of eyes on him as he stares at his feet.

The sun slowly settles as the words continue, Manhattan skyscrapers reflecting more orange and pink and red and then violet, the colors changing in slow motion, giving time to everyone who was wearing shades to pocket them and pretend they’re fine exposing their shiny eyes.

When the dusk settles, the speeches end and the people disperse around the lamp-lit park to grab a small candle boats from specially prepared points all around the area, and they light the candles and let them float on the calm surfaces of all ponds and lakes of the park. Tony lets Steve grab his hand tightly and lead them to get the lanterns, too, and they set them on the water in silence.

It must look beautiful from the air, Tony thinks, and wishes he could get into the suit and see for himself.

The Avengers are going to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ though, as planned, Nate and Jane with them, to have a toast to the memory of the fallen agents. The walk back in calm and tiring, making Tony’s legs heavy, but Steve keeps him close and that’s enough of a motivation not to stop.

When they finally reach the HQ, Tony takes a moment to quickly swallow a few bites of an energy bar, just to be safe, and refresh himself a bit with freezing cold water splashed on his face and neck, and then he feels more human.

The artificial lights of the building feel unreal for the rest of the evening, compared to the cozy half-darkness of the outside.

He drinks a few sips of whiskey, the alcohol burning his throat – it’s strange, thinking how he was used to the feeling, before the medicine and everything – and then nurses the glass’ contents for the rest of the meeting.

Steve makes him stay in his room at the Avengers’ place, since it’s closer and Tony doesn’t have to travel across the night-clad city.

Tony agrees, not saying that he doesn’t want to be alone either.

 

 

‘You are most important today, not me. My stories can wait,’ is what Tony hears when he enters the kitchen in the morning, dressed in his own clothes, with Steve a step behind. ‘Hello, Steven, Nate,’ Thor greets them, smiling over the plate filled with food, ‘I was just telling Phillip and Clinton that I am not going to – _steal their spotlight_ , I think Jane said.’

Jane nods at that, smiling apologetically.

‘I told you about half million times _not_ to call me Clinton,’ Clint sighs, stirring his coffee with more energy than necessary. ‘And I’ll be thinking of nothing but your trip to Earth during the ceremony and Phil won’t be too happy about that.’

‘You’ll forget everything as soon as you put on your suit,’ Phil comments calmly and goes back to muttering something over the phone, presumable to Fury since those two always have something to whisper about.

‘ _I’ll get going, need to get my proper clothes and all. See you at four_ ,’ Nate signs to Clint who just sighs in response, and then nods tiredly.

Steve walks Tony out of the HQ and around the corner where Happy is waiting in a car.

‘See you at four, then.’

‘And you, handsome,’ Tony replies, giving Steve a quick kiss on the cheek, and hides inside the car. Happy drives off, not bothering to say a word; instead, he plays soft music and before Tony knows it he loses track of things.

 

 

‘You better wake up,’ Happy’s voice says loudly and authoritatively, and then the room fills with light. ‘I know you didn’t have time to rest properly and you were too stubborn to admit that, boss, but it’s quarter to three and you need food, shower, and time to make yourself presentable for the wedding. You okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Tony replies, sitting up and trying to figure how he got into his bed. He vaguely remembers leaning against the wall in the elevator, so Happy probably dragged Tony’s half-asleep self from the car to the flat. ‘Yeah, thanks.’

‘I made you a full wholesome meal and you’re going to eat it,’ Happy adds, making it sound almost like a threat.

Tony rolls his eyes and nods, making his way to the bathroom first. A shower later he feels more human and ready to face the almost too bight world outside; admittedly, a perfect weather for a wedding. Postcard-like.

When he’s ready, Happy drives him to the City Hall where he meets the rest of the team and a few agents. It’s nice to be a part of a _family_ , especially that he knows neither Phil nor Clint have living relatives; the HQ is literally the only home they have.

The ceremony is quick, bright and flower-scented, and everyone cheers when the newlyweds exchange a customary kiss. Then Phil scoops Clint, despite his protest, and carries him bridal style out of the room.

When the rest of them follows, they see Clint blushing and almost mad at Phil for doing that, but Natasha just rolls her eyes and tells them to kiss again, which Phil obediently does, and Clint doesn’t complain anymore. Then everyone gets into the cars and they drive to the Avengers HQ. There isn’t a big party planned, like Clint mentioned when he talked to Steve: just cake and champagne in the back garden of the mansion.

Peter is there, in his usual clothes, hanging upside down from one of the roof shades, looking as relaxed as ever, but Tony can tell he’s not really. He eats cake and makes jokes and pranks the unsuspecting agents but he’s – tense.

‘ _Excuse me_ ,’ Nate signs to Steve and walks into the building, knowing that Peter notices that and will follow.

‘I think Thor wants to talk to me,’ Peter says as soon as he gets into the control room – it’s a good hiding place.

‘ _Yes_?’ Tony types, the words appearing on the computer screen quickly.

‘Do you ever get the feeling that he knows much more than he lets on – creepily more than he honestly should?’

‘ _Yes_ ,’ Tony types truthfully, even though he feels like writing _more than you know_. Thor just looks at people, when they’re not paying attention to him, with a heavy stare of someone who’s lived through too much, but when you look at him, he always has the blinding smile on his face.

‘I hated this, you know,’ Peter says after a moment of silence, pacing around the room in quick strides in his usual manner. ‘I hated it so much, not being able to stand by you yesterday. Not being able to come to the wedding ceremony today. I never – I never expected this. I just wanted to be Captain’s America sidekick and do some good in my free time.’

‘ _But this is…?_ ’

‘This is more than I bargained for,’ Peter admits, although with slight reluctance, as if he wasn’t sure Tony is trustworthy enough to hear the words. ‘Before the Avengers, I popped here and there like I wanted, fought crime and had fun being badass since no one could ever catch me, and this –’

‘ _It’s family_ ,’ Tony’s words flash on the screen.

‘Yeah.’

‘ _And you want to be a real part of it_.’

Peter gives him a long look, stopping in the middle of the room, and then says, ‘I want to feel like I belong somewhere.’

It’s the exact words that Tony could have said himself, some time ago, when he was Peter’s age, trying to find the feeling of belonging after his parent’s deaths, trying to find it desperately and in the wrong places and in ways that hardly ever ended well. He can only wish Peter will be smarter.

‘I want to tell them,’ he adds, ‘but I’m terrified of doing that because it’s been a secret for years and it’s been one of the things that defined me, you know. The duality.’

Tony nods, shuddering inwardly at his own thoughts about sharing identity – especially that he’s fucked things up even more than anyone can imagine, right? – and offers Peter a tired smile. The boy is so much smarter than he lets on, with his funny non-caring façade.

‘ _What do you want me to tell you? Because it seems to me that you already know the answer._ ’

Peter nods. Tony waits for some kind of an elaboration, but the conversation seems to be over.

‘You know what?’ Peter asks when he’s right next to the door, his hand on the doorknob, ‘I know what to do. I just want to show my pretty face at your wedding,’ he says and disappears.

Tony blinks, processing the words, and then laughs soundlessly.

 

 

He isn’t there when Peter breaks the news; he goes home around midnight, mostly forced by Steve and Happy’s persistent phone calls. Sitting around eating snacks and talking isn’t a taxing thing but Steve still notices his tiredness.

Then, as soon as he wakes up, JARVIS tells him and Tony takes a moment, trying to wrap his head around the news.

‘That was quick,’ he mutters, stretching his back pleasantly. ‘What did the others say?’

‘Doctor Banner admitted to being familiar with his name which made Peter rather happy. Agent Barton complained that people keep stealing his spotlight, but he seemed quite friendly to Peter, treating him as I imagine someone would treat a younger brother.’

‘No surprise there,’ Tony nods, putting on a pair of pants and a t-shirt in a few efficient movements. ‘The rest?’

‘Agent Romanov seemed happy to have one less mystery to resolve –’

‘Which means now she’ll be all about Iron Man. Ugh,’ Tony sighs, but strangely finds himself not caring that much.

Maybe it’s too beautiful day to care.

‘So I missed all the drama,’ he tells Happy when he emerges from the bathroom into the fruit-scented room, a fresh smoothie waiting for him on the kitchen table. ‘Thanks, man,’ he adds, taking the glass and sipping the perfect red berries drink.

‘Drama?’

‘Spider Man revealing his identity when Steve shoved me out of HQ ‘cause _you need to be rested for your treatment_ my ass.’

Happy doesn’t seem too impressed.

‘As if you couldn’t have Ijon show you all the footage in 3D,’ he just comments, rolling his eyes over the newspaper.

 

 

The next morning Tony gets a lift to the clinic, the radiation routine is engraved into his mind by now so he lets his mind wander as the usual sequence of steps and movements is followed, and then he’s finished – feeling blissfully well, thank you – he tells Happy to drive him to Riverside where he promised to meet Annik and go for a walk with her and the kids, if he can. He feels like he can so he meets them in front of the Riverside entrance and they make their way to the park, in the high sunlight, the stuffy warm air thick around them. Tony loves it.

He loves that kids don’t ask questions, too, just take things as they are, because he knows he looks sick.

Annik doesn’t ask any questions either, she’s too polite for that, but she does throw him subtle glances more than usually. When they are about to go back, almost two hours later, Tony texts Happy asking him to grab Rhodey from his apartment – they were supposed to meet for a meal later so Tony knows Rhodey’s home – and pick him up.

‘Take us to the big ‘shop,’ he asks as he gets into the back of the car. Happy obey and less than twenty minutes later they are walking into the room.

‘You prefer take-in pizza on the ‘shop floor to a home-cooked meal?’ Happy teases, taking of his sunglasses and tossing the car keys onto one of the workbenches.

‘It has a certain appeal to it,’ Tony teases, checking something on one of the screen JARVIS automatically turned on as soon as Tony pressed his finger to the pad to open the door. ‘But it’s not what things are about today – I just realized that it’s been a year since the battle.’

‘Duh,’ Happy rolls his eyes.

‘Well, that isn’t a great observation by itself, maybe, but it lead me to a cool idea, so you’re gonna be thankful for my not-deep thoughts. I should have done this, like, ages ago,’ he adds, gesturing at the northern corner of the room, seemingly empty. ‘J, come on.’

A second later there are three suits there, each of different size, custom-made, and Tony turns around with a wide grin.

‘What d’ya say?’

‘Wicked,’ Rhodey says and then whistles as JARVIS walks the suits closer, ready to be occupied.

‘Help yourself. JARVIS will make sure you don’t fall into something or kill yourself,’ he adds, as if it was some kind of a comfort – it should be, he spent lots of time getting bruised learning to fly by himself and JARVIS makes it about hundred times easier.

Before he gets into his suit he dry-swallows an antiemetic, just to be on the safe side, and flies out first, with Rhodey and Happy following him, invisibility mode engaged in all the suits, and they spend a good few afternoon hours in the air.

 

 

Thor finally decides to explain and discuss things during the team meeting. While everyone was impatient, they understood that he needed time alone with Jane as they haven’t seen each other in months.

‘I have heard about your problems, friends,’ he greets everyone is his usual booming voice and smile, and then gestures at Jane. ‘Jane explained me what has happened during my absence, as well as what you are still inspecting. I have heard about the portals that appear out of nowhere and disappear a mere moment later – Heimdall never misses to notice such occurrences – yet none of us are able to explain the origin. The portals are not natural, we have never seen anything alike before. I assume it is a problem of wrong advancement of Midgardian technology.’

‘So, basically, even Asgardian magic and shit can’t help us and we’ll probably be flying around the world like mad trying to kill off weird creatures popping up here and there?’ Clint summarizes, sounding resigned, and understands the sentiment very well.

‘Until we find the source and stop the evens right there,’ Natasha reminds them.

The two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents have infiltrated the southern facility but their communications is vastly limited so only when they decide they have enough information will the whole agency have full view of the situation. And that might take weeks.

‘You, sir, do not have to worry about that. You have me,’ JARVIS tells Tony, making him smile and nod slightly; he indeed doesn’t have to do things personally. Though he’d rather chose that option.

‘What about Loki?’ Phil asks, and Clint’s hand wraps around his straight away.

‘He is in still prison and shall not be allowed to roam free for decades, as promised,’ Thor says solemnly. Everyone breathes our in relief. ‘It would be easier, my friends, if Loki was behind these strange events. Now we need to find the source and the reason behind it.’

‘True,’ they agree and keep on talking. Tony keeps Iron Man quiet and reserved today, since he doesn’t have anything to input, really, and spends most of the meeting observing Peter. He seems to be unsure, a strange state for Spider Man. He talks less and jokes less and doesn’t annoy everyone endlessly and endearingly; maybe it’s just transition.

He probably feels _exposed._

Natasha, Jane and Clint are going back to Australia – no honeymoon time in the end, it seems – while the rest of them stays in America in case something happens. Again. Also, it’s a good idea to train some more since Thor is around and, as he claims, plans to stay in Midgard some time, helping with whatever intergalactical mess might build up.

When Iron Man is going to take off from the roof, Peter catches up with him and asks him to wait a second.

‘I just wanted to let you know you were right,’ he says, keeping his voice down in the middle of the empty corridor. ‘It’s better to have a family than anything else. And while I still feel as if I were damn naked – and let me know I’m not that type – most of the time, at least, it’s gonna be fine. Everyone is so accommodating.’

‘I’m glad,’ Iron Man’s voice is earnest, like Tony’s own. ‘Are you going to…?’ he trails off, gesturing at the building around them.

‘Yeah, I think I might move in. Fun, right? And free food. Always welcome.’

‘Let me know when and I’ll find you a housewarming gift,’ Tony says and mock-salutes Peter before quickly disappearing, leaving the young man following him with his sharp eyes.

‘Sir, Hermes is pestering me about Director Fury demanding you come and inform him about the progress you have done regarding portals. At the team meeting.’

‘Tell him there is no progress and that I will come on Monday – Nate will. After clinic. I’m so going home, Pepper comes back from Europe in like, half an hour, and I have things scheduled. Science, very important things, groundbreaking things,’ he says as he finally takes off, jumping from the edge of the building and letting the suit carry him. ‘Changing the world of medicine via Pepper’s brainwaves or something. You can actually say that if you wanna, as long as no one bothers me today.’

‘I think you should just make use of the analgesic you were prescribed, sir.’

‘Sometimes I hate how perceptive I made you,’ Tony mumbles, ignoring the words when he comes home. For half an hour. Then he breaks and takes half a dose and it helps scarily much.

At least Pepper is happy to see him genuinely smiling.

 

 

JARVIS categorically forbids Tony to get into one of the suits and go to the training. None of them say anything aloud, anything about Tony being in pain, but they don’t have to.

Tony hates it more than anything. He appreciates the medicine a lot and even enjoys the sudden numbness he imagines more than feels when the meds kick in, but it still feels like stepping onto grounds he’s never wanted to visit. And knowing, as a fact, that there’s no going back, he hates that most.

But it’s just pain meds, Happy tells him. Happy is too fluent at Tony-speak for his own good. He makes Tony lay down on the sofa with his head in Happy’s lap, and discuss the schedule for the big arc rector – they finally have to start getting things done – and then blueprints. He has the bots sneak out of the workshop, too, to _stretch their legs_ and make Tony smile with their goofy attempts at comfort. Pepper and Rhodey come by too, as soon as they can, and in the evening the whole human-robotic family is there.

 

 

‘Finally,’ Fury comments when Tony sneaks into his office on Monday morning. ‘You do make people wait for you, _Rives_.’

‘I have a life, you know,’ Tony rolls his eyes, sitting down unceremoniously. ‘And it’s not like I have anything to tell you, I’ve been keeping in touch with Jane, data-wise, and I will continue keeping in touch with everyone, data-wise, and if there’s something I notice, I’ll let you guys know. About portals and things. Is that what you wanted to ask about?’

‘That is,’ Fury admits, and then sits down in front of Tony, resting his chin on a support of intervenes hands. ‘Good job with _Peter_ , too,’ he says and damn, his eyes are sparkling and he looks content. Tony has never seen him look content or anything similar. That’s very new.

‘Thanks, I guess – did it matter to you, knowing his identity? I thought it didn’t matter to you. And you probably knew already.’

‘I neither confirm nor deny,’ Fury declares in a way that makes Tony feel sure Director did know. ‘It’s good for the team. Better response time, getting to know each other, good for fighting together.’

‘Whatever you say,’ Tony agrees, wondering if that’s what really matters. Or maybe Fury is just a soft-inside bastard who is secretly happy seeing a lost boy find his place.

Tony is seriously starting to doubt the icy façade.

‘Also, Banner came up to me when we were discussing Foster’s trip to Australia. He said he was glad I didn’t try to send him there, and he asked me if I knew anything about Nate.’

‘As in?’

‘As in, he has fucking eyes, Tony, and he’s had eyes on you for a damn year. Talk to him or something, tell him what’s wrong or make him stop poking his nose into your affairs, whichever, I don’t care – I just don’t want to be the oracle. Which apparently everyone seems I am. _Everyone says you know everything, Director_ , my ass, Banner,’ Fury mutters, making Tony snicker, but then his face grows serious.

‘It’s complicated,’ he just says, standing up, Fury’s eyes following him closely.

‘Everything about your life is.’

‘Fair enough,’ Tony says, then nods and opens the doors, making his way straight outside. He remotely feels like throwing up but nowhere near real throwing up, so he sucks it, puts on his sunglasses and crosses the street to walk on the sunny side of the road.

 

 

Steve stays over for a few days during the week, taking care of Tony who is embarrassed by how warm it makes him feel inside to know someone looks out for him while he’s sick. He knows it’s how things are supposed to be, how humans are supposed to act, but other than his few close friends, no one has ever treated him like that. Howard would always tell him to stop whining, Obie and all business partners would tell him to suck it up since there are more important things going on. Maybe they never said it directly, but he heard it anyway.

The week seems to be bad and it makes Tony think about what Levy said, and Doc, that he will know when it’s time to stop the treatment because it does more bad than good – but it’s not this moment yet, Tony tells himself. Yes he still wonders.

He feels like he’s got a bad flu, even though there are no flu symptoms but general feeling sick, and a heavy pounding in his head that won’t stop. He’s not even running fever.

Steve scoops him out of bed, first thing in the morning, and helps him to the bathroom; he doesn’t seem to mind wrapping his arms about Tony when he throws up, or cajoling Tony into eating some pudding and crackers. He reads Tony’s prescriptions carefully and makes sure everything is on order, and he asks Tony to stop playing macho and use the analgesic.

‘You’re too good to be real,’ Tony tells him, making Steve smile sadly.

‘No, I’ve just been sick enough time in my life to understand and learn to appreciate help, and all I can do now is give help. And you deserve it. I know Happy takes care of you, and James and Pepper, and your doctor friend, but I want to be there, too. ‘Cause I understand.’

‘All right,’ Tony agrees tiredly, ‘I’m glad someone does.’

 

 

Thursday evening Iron Man is called to an emergency op in Middle East – helping out with retrieving captured civilians, something Tony feels _very_ strongly about – and Steve needs to go to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ for a meeting. He ends up assisting Thor and Spider Man in containing a domestic terrorist who popped up in D.C.; not really Avengers’ usual job but the man is known to be affiliated with a few shady businesses so Fury really wants to keep close in case something goes wrong.

Something does go wrong, there is some strange experimental device in action, one that no one understands well yet, and the three Avenger’s superhuman features help them get on the top of the situation.

That’s what JARVIS and Pepper tell Tony in the morning, when he’s getting ready to leave for the clinic, shuddering at the idea of going outside: it’s pouring, maybe it’s warm June rain but it’s _pouring_ , grey clouds floating quickly over the cityscape. He slept the whole night curled up on the sofa, with Pepper right next to him. She didn’t fall asleep at all, but when he tries to apologize for keeping her awake, she scolds him.

‘I wouldn’t have gone to sleep anyway, Mister Stark. We’re going over finance plans for the next few years and I took two days off to finish trying to wrap my head around it enough to be able to trust my finance dept. All these pages,’ she says, waving at the nearby stacks, ‘I’d have to go through anyway.’

‘If you say so,’ he agrees, knowing that there’s no point in arguing with Pepper. ‘By the way, J, thanks for the good job and congratulations on saving what, was it twenty-seven people? I think it was twenty-seven people. Good job, kid.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ the A.I. replies smoothly.

‘How long before you’re home?’

‘ETA five yours, sir. Minus debrief.’

‘Good luck with Fury and Hermes, honey pie.’

‘Sometimes you can be very cruel, sir,’ JARVIS deadpans, making Pepper snicker. ‘But I hope I shall enjoy myself pretending to be you pretending to be Iron Man.’

‘Won’t Fury want to talk face to face…?’

‘I’m Tony Stark and I know you know that he knows, Pep. He should be prepared for me doing Stark-level crazy shit, and refusing to pull up the faceplate it’s that high on the list.’

 

 

When radiation is finally over, Tony sighs with relief at the thought, he spends the day with Rhodey, planning the final day for synthesizing all the new-still-nameless element they need for a big reactor core, and then for testing it out before they actually make everything work.

JARVIS sends out a message cancelling Nate’s visit to Riverside, citing urgent matters and promising to come over whenever he can.

Instead of spending time with kids, Tony spends Saturday with Steve, talking a very slow walk through the rain-scented streets. The weather is much better, with sun peeking from behind the fluffy clouds, and only the seemingly sudden outburst of green in the city reminds everyone of the few rainy days.

‘Tony,’ Steve whispers the name, so that no one but Tony himself hears it, ‘can I – could I move in with you? With Nate, I mean? Not completely, maybe, but… a bit? If that makes sense?’

Tony takes a moment to decide if it does and he’s still not sure when he says, ‘Yeah, sure you can.’ But then he takes a breath and asks, ‘I thought living with the team is a big thing? That’s why Peter is supposed to move in in a few weeks?’

‘I just need a break,’ Steve says, the words heavier than Tony would have expected. ‘I want to be as close to you as I can – and I need a break.’

‘Anytime, then,’ Tony tries to keep his voice cheerful, ignoring the unspoken words, and wonders silently what is Steve trying to run away from this time.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations. I never know what your expectations are so it's a wild guess every time I press _post_. 
> 
> I'm going to an internet-less abroad place for a few days, posting this just as I'm grabbing my keys and leaving, so I'm already impatient to come back to see - hopefully! - my inbox full ;d If you'd be as nice as taking part in the surprise please consider dropping me a word of what you thought about this chapter! <3
> 
> And for those who haven't encountered my wishes yes, Happy New Year!


	5. bonus I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for you amazing response to my little ad last chapter ;) I'll try to get back to everyone very soon and hopefully slowly get the work done! You are all very amazing and lovely, my dears <3

Happy misses Tony.

 _Already_.

(There is no logic to that, of course, since he’s still the person Tony spends most time with, but the man is simply so much, he’s a _force of the universe_ , and Happy knows perfectly how gaping the hole inside him will be when he won’t be hearing Tony’s voice every damn day.)

He didn’t feel like that when Tony told him he had cancer, saying the word aloud as it if was the first time ever, with unsure fear only Happy could pichak up – it came later. When he was sitting by Tony’s bed in hospital, watching the unconscious fragile man, already informed of what happened and knowing that in a few hours, in a few minutes maybe, he’ll be one of the people telling Tony it’s terminal.

Doc categorically forbade him to panic or cry or anything like that, _you have to stay damn strong for this idiot, someone has to_ , he said.

Happy listened to him and so far, he’s succeeded.

He’s always there, making food, scolding, patching Tony up, making him go to sleep, handing him water when he throws up, making sure he has his medicine; he’s always there talking, listening, being a silent presence. Even when he isn’t there physically, JARVIS always keeps him updated.

Tony probably knows but he’s never said anything so it’s just another unspoken thing between them. Tony would tell Happy to stop hovering over so much and Happy would laugh and refuse, so the actual confrontation is unnecessary.

 

 

Happy is angry a lot.

There are meetings with Pepper and Rhodey and Doc, and a few people Happy knows in New York, and they notice he’s angry but no one but Pepper dares to mention it.

‘He’s pushing himself too hard,’ he tells her over a drink one early spring evening, ‘and I’m letting him because there isn’t any other way with him.’

‘Tell me about it,’ she murmurs, and then she taker her phone out of her purse and frowns. ‘Remember Nata– Agent Romanov?’

‘Obviously,’ Happy rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his gin tonic.

‘She’s been around a few times, forwarding messages from Director Fury, and we’ve been –talking, I guess,’ Pepper informs him, swirling her martini, the frown still on, as if she wasn’t sure of what she’s saying. ‘She texted me asking if I’d like to go out for a drink.’

‘Didn’t expect you to you hang out with the crowd –’

‘Fury is stubborn,’ Pepper admits with a sigh and gestures at the barman to bring her the bill, ‘Not that I’m telling him anything, he already knows too much. But we know he knows so that’s good – I should probably stop here, sorry. A long day.’

‘Board meeting?’

‘You’d know how terrible they are. Bet Tony ranted about them so much.’

‘He did,’ Happy admits fondly, and then, ‘just tell her to come and join us somewhere. I’ve mostly disappeared to the whole world but it won’t be strange only Stark’s buddies meet to catch up and things, right? Even if Widow is a great spy.’

Natasha comes over, her hair messy and the black dress hugging her figure, and they have surprisingly good time.

Of course it’s a dangerous game, she’s Iron Man’s teammate and a superspy and Happy has to think about ten times before he says anything remotely relatable to Tony, but they end up talking about other things instead, after a few typical questions about how is Happy doing in his _new job_.

He can tell Natasha would threaten Tony – Nate – if he did something wrong with Steve, he knows she’s a distanced assassin and a mystery, he knows she could take him out in less than three seconds, and somehow that only makes him more fascinated.

 

 

People don’t know, and if they do they usually forget, that Happy can be dangerous. Not in the way S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and superheroes are, but in a way someone fiercely protective of friend is, in a way someone with access to everything _Tony_ is. He’ll have his own a suit of armor, he knows Tony well enough to be sure of that – he’ll be making use of it and training. He has knowledge about Stark Industries, insights into the company that is avant-garde of the world.

He has JARVIS, too.

JARVIS likes him, he’s always had, because he knows there is hardly anyone who both knows and cares about Tony as much as Happy himself.

(There was a life he had, once, before he met Tony in a shady place in a shady time, and laughed in his face. Tony loved that, drunk as he was, and offered him a job. Happy just rolled his eyes, in a manner Tony will become familiar with later, and ended up being very surprised by a phone call the next morning, the voice of a hangover billionaire saying the offer still stands.

Happy is pretty sure he has nothing to go back to.)

He has almost nothing but here and now, taking care of a certain genius idiot – Tony urges him to do things that don’t involve him, _so that you have a life when I die_ , he says and ignores Happy’s scowl.

‘Almost nothing,’ Tony repeats when they talk, one evening, trying to avoid Happy’s gaze as he tries to wordlessly make Tony eat his pudding. ‘Almost? You mean your collection of scraps and stuff about _me_ , is that your legacy thing or something?’

Happy laughs sharply.

‘It’s complicated,’ he says. It really is. He’s only ever exchanged a few phone calls with Natasha and he still isn’t quite sure they were real, despite JARVIS insistence.

‘Don’t quote facebook on me –’

‘I met Black Widow the other day, you know. I didn’t tell you,’ he ignores Tony’s disbelievingly curious stare, heavy on his back. ‘A couple weeks ago, she seems to be Pepper’s _badass women relax over martinis_ buddy. We all talked. Then Pepper left and we _both_ talked and then she called. I don’t even know, don’t give me that look, I don’t even have a fucking idea –’

It’s Tony’s turn to laugh. (The funny thing, he maybe should be more worried or more surprised or at least ask questions, but he doesn’t. That’s one thing about the new Tony.)

‘It _is_ complicated,’ he agrees when he calms down.

‘Told you so,’ Happy chuckles darkly, pretending he doesn’t notice how laughter makes his boss hurt.

 

 

They go on a _date_ , Tony insists calling it a date, but it’s just a dinner. Old fashioned, maybe, but it came easily and naturally to make the decision so they both agreed to go with it.

‘You seem like you miss Stark,’ she says halfway over the first course, when he recounts one of their early stories.

‘I do,’ he agrees with sincerity that makes her face soften a tiniest bit; he’s surprised he can even notice that. Maybe because he’s looking very hard for clues.

That is when he realized he does miss Tony.

 _Already_.

He shrugs a little, making the sudden cold that washed over him go away, and steers the conversation different way. It’s… pleasant. It’s a different kind of a date than he’s ever imagined but it feels all right, even when he thinks about how many people Natasha must have killed in her line of work.

Natasha has known he knows she’s Black Widow from the beginning. It’s a Pepper thing; Pepper seems to be weirdly familiar with Fury and she knows things. So Happy, in extension, is apparently S.H.I.E.L.D.-approved to know things, too.

‘I could teach you a few neat tricks,’ she offers.

Happy is about to reply when he hears JARVIS voice in the tiny comm unit in his ear, so he excuses himself and listens to the A.I.’s voice telling him Tony and Steve are _talking_ while pretending to use the bathroom. He’s torn between congratulating them and going back to damn step between those two, if only they raise their voices; he knows Tony wouldn’t want him to be involved though.

So he stays and buys Natasha chocolate fondant and they share the cake with dessert wine and then spend a few night hours in S.H.I.E.L.D.-approved deserted gym.

Happy comes back sometime before sunrise, smiling like a madman and trying to stop himself from doing so. There is no point in going to bed now, since it’s already almost-morning, so he fixes himself a big cup of coffee and catches up with yesterday’s news and a bit of a boring book he’s been reading.

Then he meets Steve and the first thing he tells Captain America is, in a cheerful off-handed voice, ‘if you hurt him I will make sure you pay for it and I don’t care you’re America’s hope or whatever.’

It feels like the right thing to do, especially since Natasha will surely do that to Tony. Well, to Nate, but whatever.

‘You must be _Happy_ ,’ Steve says, rubbing his eyes. He’s adorable, Happy decides.

‘Don’t feel bad about calling me that ridiculous name, I’ve become fond of it since Tony insists,’ he offer and then makes Steve coffee, too. ‘I heard you resolved a few things yesterday.’

‘JARVIS?’ Steve asks, eying the ceiling, and when Happy nods, adds, ‘We did resolve a few things. And then JARVIS answered all the questions I had – the medical questions.’

Happy nods sharply.

‘… I like you,’ he declares after a short pause, pointing a finger at Steve, ‘Don’t fucking dare to disappoint me. Or Tony. And help me make pancakes. He likes pancakes.’

Tony will never cease to make his life damn impossible.

 

 

Happy remembers a bit too well those few days when Tony came back to Malibu, after hearing the diagnosis, and cried for real for the first and last time Happy has ever seen. He can’t stop thinking about that every time he sees Tony suit up, firm determination on his face.

Cap is just starting to learn that look.

All that can be done when Steve starts being around more and going to the clinic with Tony is stock up the fridge with cauliflower soup and blueberry jell-o, and then look from distance. Happy is glad there is someone to look at Tony the way no one has ever done before, the way that makes him smile knowing Tony will be safe.

Cap has to learn that, too: Tony doesn’t care about getting hurt. Not-hurt and safe aren’t the same states so Tony keeps going to missions and coming back hurt, Happy hates it but contrary to everyone else he doesn’t really say anything.

Boss wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t keep pushing.

 

 

Natasha does tell Nate to be careful around Steve.

Happy laughs when JARVIS – his second-best buddy – informs him of that and it makes him feel nicely warm inside to know he predicted Natasha’s next move right.

They meet up afterwards and Happy is damn proud of his acting abilities, even after a few drinks.

Maybe it’s the few drinks or maybe it’s just the strange and amazing way life if, but he takes initiative and kisses Natasha. She obviously enjoys it. They don’t take it further because it doesn’t feel right, and Happy feels like he needs to go back home and try to put Tony to sleep before tomorrow’s meeting.

There is more meetings, divided between JARVIS and Tony, then fights not enough divided between JARVIS and Tony, but Steve has the primary right to worry now since he’s the _boyfriend_ , or whatever. It doesn’t make Happy worry less. He’s spent the last ten years worrying and learning to read things no one else can read, _no one_.

He lets Tony have his way more times than anyone else would. Because. He says thing pro forma but when Tony mentions that _he doesn’t have time_ , Happy lets him go.

 

 

After the few hours Happy spends flying with Tony and Rhodey, he gets drunk for the first time in months; he can let himself do that as Tony spends the evening in the big workshop with Steve.

(Happy knows he’s being overly-everything even though he doesn’t cry. Rhodey is the guy who gets him the best; he’s been taking care of Tony for decades.)

Basically, they share a bit of a breakdown and a bit of unmanly crying because they both notice too much they wished they didn’t, and while they’re happy that Tony is as happy as i gets, they want him forever.

‘All my life has been about him,’ Rhodey says after eighth drink, the words slightly slurred and round around the edges.

‘He sucks you in like a fuckin’ black hole,’ Happy agrees, raising a glass. JARVIS seems to hum in agreement, or maybe he’s just imagining.

It’s even more obvious when they’re all wrapped around Tony when he’s feeling sick and weak and insists he’s fine. Even the bots know better and he knows they know. It fucking breaks Happy’s heart to see Tony set his _dignity_ and attitude aside and lay down and let them comfort him.

 

 

Happy goes and spends the day shadowing Doc, stealing every moment the man can spare between his patients’ visits to talk about Tony.

They discuss pain meds over pasta and Happy doesn’t even think how this became his life, then he meets Natasha in a restaurant and they eat mostly in silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts, it seems, both seemingly too tired to care. Knowing that Steve is with Tony, Happy lets Natasha invite him to a surprisingly non-S.H.I.E.L.D. apartment and then they fall asleep on the sofa before anything could happen.

She’s not there in the morning; the note says there was an urgent mission. Happy understands urgent missions better than he’d like to.

 

 

A few days later Tony says Steve is going to move in and Happy isn’t sure how to feel about that. He’s glad, of course he is, but it complicates things: while Steve and Natasha are friends, even with endless secrets between them, they don’t know the same things and trying to figure it all out gives Happy an honest headache.

Well.

‘He’ll be great around you, boss,’ Happy tells Tony over a snack, ‘but I’ll miss being your only one,’ he adds teasingly. Tony chuckles weakly and gives him half-cocky, half-apologetic look.

Happy misses it _already_. It makes a fucking hollow feeling paralyze him from the inside.

Tony seems oblivious.

 

 

Whatever life Happy might be starting to, somehow, build these days, he won’t even be able to imagine Tony not being there.

(Until.)

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, this part just happened and _I don't even know_ \- however I do sincerely hope that you enjoyed it. If you drop me a line, I'll love you forever  <3


	6. V

‘So, what’s the deal with not wanting to live at the HQ?’ Tony asks a few days later over dinner. It actually is a proper dinner, even for him. Probably not the best time to talk serious things, but he keeps getting distracted with millions other things and if he doesn’t do it now, it feels like he never will. ‘What do you need a break from?’

‘Now that everyone is recovered, they’re all on missions, half of the time at least,’ Steve explains, sounding somehow unsure. ‘It’s ace when we’re doing things together as a team or, you know, almost a family maybe, but a lot of time, it’s just me. Or when I’m away, it’s just someone else.’

Tony suddenly remembers –

‘So that’s why you all were so eager to somehow try to separate Avengers from everyone else, so that there would be what, no interruptions?’

‘So that no one would expect of us things they shouldn’t expect.’

‘But you’d still help S.H.I.E.L.D. out and all, and honestly, can’t you just tell them no –’

‘Of course we can,’ Steve sighs. _Of course._ But they won’t.

‘But you want to do everything on your own terms. Officially.’

‘And they’ll let us.’

‘Fury is really smitten with Phil, I’d agree,’ Tony muses aloud, thinking about some stories Hermes is very happy to tell him. Apparently Phil and Fury have been friends for _decades_. ‘He’ll let Phil have whatever he wants, especially as an I-almost-got-you-killed apology. Even though it’s been a year, there really isn’t a good way to apologize if you’re feeling guilty.’

‘I like it when you don’t pretend you don’t understand people,’ Steve smiles and Tony can only shrug; Steve seems to be fond of strangest things. ‘You’re a smart lad.’

‘And I still don’t get why you’d try to tell me that you’re not moving in just because I want to be around me all the time you can. You said you weren’t. I wouldn’t have been offended if you did –’

‘I know.’

‘So what’s wrong, Steve?’ Tony asks, putting down his fork and moving a few inches closer. ‘What’s going on that I’m not aware of? Is it personal – it is personal, right?’

‘As if you couldn’t ask Ijon to tell you everything –’

‘That’s how I know it’s personal. I have Ijon everywhere and all the time, but that’s just in case. I don’t access personal data. I wouldn’t dare to, really, it’s too much, and I’ve learned a thing or two about respecting privacy over the last few years.’

For a moment, Steve says nothing, but he trusts Tony enough – he has good reasons to – so he will talk. Tony gives him a calm moment as he drinks his juice.

‘Being there is just… stuffy,’ Steve finally explains. He seems tense, Tony notes. ‘Sometimes. Like there isn’t any space to share between us, because everyone’s story is too much. And people think we’re perfect and invincible and that we don’t get scared or have problems, but everyone is – _ah._ You would say _effed up_. And that is a pretty apt description.’

‘They not settling in well?’ Tony asks, skillfully ignoring Steve’s almost-swear.

‘We’re all at one hundred percent on our missions and you know it. But we can’t be at one hundred percent all the time. And we don’t trust each other enough to show each other the moments of weakness.’

Tony so knows the feeling.

‘It’s just that, everyone has their own nightmares, even though you’d never suspect. And some days, the place is so quiet, as if no one was even there, and if you see someone, you just feel, you know it’s better to look away and pretend you didn’t because neither of you would know that to do. We’re all – we’re all messed up.’

‘Me included,’ Tony laughs harshly as the truth.

‘Sometimes I wonder how can America, how can the whole world put so much trust in us. We’re just humans,’ Steve continues, ignoring Tony’s words, looking somewhere over his shoulder. ‘Phil and Clint have their backstories and their issues and at least they have each other, I guess that helps. Thor isn’t even on the Earth most of the time and when he is, there’s always something going on. And he stares at everyone the way I haven’t seen before, as if – as if they were transparent. Peter is just a lost hurt kid trying to do some good. Natasha… I don’t think I’m allowed to talk, but you must know already that she isn’t nearly the ice queen she pretends to be. That time in the desert, when you brought her to us…’

Tony nods, and then adds, keeping his words soft, ‘What about Captain America?’

‘Captain America can’t sleep, sometimes, when he dreams of ice,’ Steve says; Tony wishes it wasn’t true. But he’s been aware of that for so long. ‘But you know that. You know what S.H.I.E.L.D. psych unit says about us as individuals, you can’t pretend you didn’t check.’

‘Well I did,’ Tony agrees. No point in lying. ‘So, we’re a bunch of fucked-up skilled people – and don’t forget, Iron Man is just slowly dying.’

‘Tony –’

‘That _is_ hilarious, in a way,’ Tony cuts in before Steve can scold him properly, ‘but you know what’s amazing about this?’

‘Yeah?’ Steve asks unsurely, still sounding angry-sad about what Tony said about Iron Man, so casually.

‘That despite all the shit, we’ve actually managed to do our jobs and save the world. Quite a few times, I’d day. No matter how _fucked up_ we are.’

‘I guess we did,’ Steve agrees, his voice a bit warmer, and then he nods to himself. ‘We really did.’

 

 

Nate swings by Avengers’ HQ with Steve to get some personal things from Cap’s rooms and they are invited to stay over for dinner, since this time, strangely, almost everyone is present. Bruce is the only one who can’t make it, he’s either at Riverside or at S.H.I.E.L.D. but Tony can’t be bothered to check; it doesn’t really matter.

They eat and talk – or sign or type, depending on the individual – and Tony listens and observes closely, but he can’t see what Steve talked about. There doesn’t seem to be any tension or tiredness between anyone. Thor is entertaining the crowd with stories of his youth, stranger than most fantasy novels Tony has read in his life, while Jane and Peter comment on scientific wonders that don’t seem to faze Thor at all.

Hanging upside down from the ceiling doesn’t affect Peter’s ability to eat and converse. It’s like good old times, only that he isn’t wearing his mask.

Clint had his arm wrapped around Phil’s shoulders in a way that would look cheesy with anyone but those two.

Steve is holding _Nate’s_ hand, too, the warmth almost radiation from his body.

Maybe it’s just a good day, then. Good days make everything different.

‘We’ll hopefully all meet on the 16th for team training,’ Phil says when they’re mostly done with the after-dinner coffee. ‘Unless a mission pops up, hopefully it won’t, we should all be around until next week. See you then,’ he adds and stands up, leading Clint out of the room and ignoring everyone’s amused looks.

Slowly, the crowd thins out and in the end, it’s only Tony, Thor and Jane in the room. Steve went upstairs to his room, telling Tony to wait for him so he can drive them back to the apartment.

‘I’ll go up, I need to catch Peter before he disappears with all the food from the kitchen, there’s something we need to –’

Tony doesn’t hear the rest as she’s already out of the room and for a moment he  considers excusing himself and hiding with Steve, but he can’t just run away from Thor every time he sees the god, even if it’s been working so far. Thor has been observing him since he came back – and Tony hasn’t forgotten what the god told him some time ago.

_Take care of yourself._

‘This is not a good place,’ he signs and Ijon translates it for him before Thor has a chance to start talking, ‘let’s go to another room.’

Thor follows him into the control room: it is a safe space that Tony can lock out and he does exactly that when they are both inside, and then sits on the edge of one of the desks, his legs dangling freely.

‘You know things you shouldn’t be able to know,’ Ijon reads out Tony’s quick typing that Tony does without looking away from Thor.

‘’tis on of the reasons we have been called _gods_ among Midgardians, friend.’

‘Do you ever wish you _didn’t_ know?’

‘Here, among you? All the time,’ Thor says somberly and Tony nods in understanding, ‘Knowledge is liberation, but it is a burden more often than not.’

Tony waits for more words, but Thor doesn’t say anything else.

‘How do you know something is wrong with me? Is it the aura thing, like knowing that Iron Man and me were the same person? How – how much information does that ability give you?’

‘I can feel you are growing weaker every time I see you, and there is something inside you that causes it, some kind of an illness, but I know naught more. But that must be visible to others as well, is it not? Your appearance is sickly. Does no one question that?’

‘They do,’ Tony agrees, and laughs soundlessly. It’s strange how completely unmoved he’s feeling.

‘But you do not share the truth with them.’

Tony just shakes his head for no, looking down at his hands in his lap. There is a long moment of silence and Tony fancies he’s experiencing exactly what Steve mentioned the other day: he knows Thor’s eyes are on him and it makes him feel as if he were transparent. It’s – disquieting, to say at least, but at the same time not unpleasant.

‘I have been asked that numerous times in the past but we cannot cure Midgardian illnesses in Asgard,’ Thor says finally, his deep voice sounding so loud in the small space even though it’s more of a whisper. Tony nods; he’s been dreaming of a magical cure and instant fix or _anything_ , just to not be out of options, but it’s always been nothing more than wishful thinking. So it’s not that much of a disappointment to hear. ‘Our healers know nothing of these as we struggle with problems that differ from yours greatly. Is there nothing your healers can do about it?’

‘They’re doing everything they can,’ Tony signs, not bothering to pick up the tablet from the table to type; it takes Ijon a hundredth of a second longer to voice the words.

He laughs soundlessly again, harshly, the way that makes his chest ache.

‘Does Steven know?’

‘ _Yes_ ,’ Tony signs; Thor recognizes the sign, he knows. ‘I’d rather you didn’t tell anyone. It’s – this is a private thing. For now.’

‘I hope you feel ready to share this with the others, Nate. You know we all worry about you, about both of you I could say. You are important to us,’ Thor adds, his voice strangely soft, in an unexpected way that makes Tony smile slightly. ‘You seem unusually at peace.’

‘I’ve had a long time to think.’

‘Still.’

‘I’ve had a very long time,’ Tony tells Thor before jumping off the table as steadily as he can manage, and a moment later Thor’s arm is wrapped around him.

‘I will miss you, comrade.’

‘Haven’t you lost many people in your almost-immortal life?’

‘It doesn’t make me miss any of them any less.’

That makes sense, Tony silently agrees.

 

 

Steve being around feels… strange. In a good way, but strange. It’s been Tony and Happy for so long, as intimate as it can be between friends, and suddenly there is a third party everywhere around.

Happy doesn’t seem to mind, on the contrary, he seems glad that there is someone else Tony wants to be around without any exceptions. The last few months – years, probably – must have been fucking difficult for him and Tony felt bad about choosing Happy to be his confidante about a thousand times.

He was always scolded for thinking that.

Steve quietly and unobtrusively inserts himself into the pre-made space: he leaves his chocolate milk in the fridge, his sketchbook on the coffee table, his shoes by the door. It’s simple and natural and Tony finds himself surprised my how much it calms him down, to hear someone’s breathing when he wakes up at night; it makes it easier to acknowledge that he is still alive, that he is still waking up.

For the first few nights he sleeps little, trying not to fall back into sleep, admiring the almost-silent presence just there, just next to him.

They start to commute to the big workshop together, most of the time; even if Steve has to appear at S.H.I.E.L.D. for a few hours, he insists on giving Tony a lift on his way there. Steve talks with JARVIS, draws, and observes Tony, asking a question now and then – and Tony works. There is a lot to be done, as always, everything pressing, everything time-sensitive. Rhodey comes by one afternoon and they discuss the big arc reactor over a dinner Steve ordered in; they decide to give it a go next weekend when Rhodey has some time off.

It’s a big deal, to move all the reactor parts to a facility in Texas – unused, far enough from any settlements not to hurt anyone if things go wrong, which won’t happen but it’s a necessary safety measure – and then make a working thing out of them.

‘Nothing is impossible for Tony is he puts his mind to it,’ Rhodey laughs when Steve asks if they aren’t afraid of failure.

It makes Tony happy, hearing something like that.

In the evenings, when Tony is done with work, Steve drives them back and they get things to make a dinner on their way and go up the stairs in silent unison.

It doesn’t take long for the neighbors to catch up with the news; Steve is unsurprisingly great at talking with middle-aged ladies and assuring them that he’s taking the best care of _their Nate_.

‘Didn’t know you had that many fans as Nate, Tony,’ Steve says playfully after they’ve managed to avoid yet another invitation for tea, so that someone could gossip more.

‘Well, now you know,’ Tony rolls his eyes as he walks across the room to get his meds and some water.

‘I’m not surprised at all, though,’ Steve adds, approaching him from behind and wrapping his arm around Tony’s waist. ‘Not at all.’

‘Does that mean –’

‘Cut off the flirting, men,’ Happy’s amused voice tell them, echoing in the room, followed by footsteps. ‘We have a guest.’

They turn around, and a smile in climbing onto Tony’s lips slowly – he hasn’t seen Doc for a couple of weeks because of some consultations abroad – but before he can greet the man, Doc is just there, standing right in front of them, and slaps Steve. Hard.

Tony gapes.

‘What the –’

‘That’s for when you left him on a fucking floor, I don’t think you got what you should have for that, so we’re even. _Captain_.’

‘Doc, you can’t just –’ Tony starts angrily, because what on earth is this supposed to mean, but this time Steve cuts in.

‘It’s all right, Tony. I deserved that. Thank you,’ he adds, turning to face Doc, and nods at the man slightly. ‘I shouldn’t have left him, no matter what.’

‘Damn right you shouldn’t have,’ Doc huffs, and then narrows his eyes, scanning Tony’s figure from head to toe and tutting unhappily. ‘Now kiss, or something, kids, just wanted to make sure this man knows what he’s gotten himself into.’

‘Happy gave him the talk already, you can all back off now,’ Tony declares with a tiny bit of annoyance, but it’s kind of nice to see that someone cares about him like that. ‘And can we just have a dinner or something, I really could eat.’

He blinks as three sets of eyes are suddenly staring at him hardly, and then he smiles and shrugs a little. They turn the night into a Saturday slumber party.

 

 

In the morning, Tony is amazed that no one tries to stop him from going to the team training; neither Steve nor JARVIS nor Happy say a word.

He can’t help but wonder if that’s a good sign or a bad sign.

The training is as tiring as it is satisfying, with everyone around it finally feels like a proper thing, the whole team working together. Tony tries to notice the things that Steve mentioned the little things, but everyone is too professional to let anything interfere with work. It’s… uplifting, uplifting is probably a good words, to see them working together so well, so smoothly, with such ease, the way it should be.

There is a moment afterwards when everyone is sweaty and exhausted, heading to their rooms to get a shower and change into proper clothing, when Tony feels exactly what Peter told him about: that he’d like to be included. Because he really isn’t, not when he’s shielded from the whole world by his armor.

And those small things like sharing a meal or sharing a look or feeling it when someone pats him on the back thanking for the great training, it would make everything more real.

But there is no need for it to be.

It’s not like he’ll be Iron Man for long.

He says goodbye to Steve and leaves, taking a detour into the sky on his way back home, and lets the bots cuddle up to him and comfort him until Steve comes back, takes his hand, and leads him to bed.

 

 

Pepper comes the next day at lunchtime, partially to finish planning the trip to Texas, but mostly just to hang out with Tony as she’s been busy recently and all they could do was teleconferences.

‘So, do you know when you plan for the arc reactor energy tech to be public?’

‘It’s not like we’re even sure it’ll work –’

‘Tony,’ she laughs, raising an eyebrow, ‘who are you trying to fool? How could it not work if you designed it?’

‘It still –’

‘Don’t give me that, Mister Stark.’

‘Whatever, Pep,’ he agrees, but she can tell there is still some doubt in his voice, and it doesn’t take her long to figure it out.

‘It’s because this is such a big thing, isn’t it? Because it’s – a legacy, like you once called it, and everything needs to be perfect because you won’t be there to make sure of it later, so there is no margin for mistakes, none at all, is that it? No. You don’t have to tell me. It’s fine.’

‘Pepper –’

‘I know you well enough so you don’t have to finish that sentence,’ she cuts in again, voice stern, and Tony smiles tiredly. She’s very right. Sometimes she can read his mind as well as JARVIS does.

‘Since you entrust your life, and others’ lives, to the miniaturized arc reactor every single time someone uses one of the suits, I have no doubt there are no faults. And I have no doubts there will be no faults. And also – I just can’t wait to see it, something that will change the future, tangible and just _there_.’

‘Wait,’ Tony blinks and sets down the mug he’s been holding, warm in his hands, ‘you are coming?’

‘Did I forget to mention that?’ she asks innocently. ‘I might’ve. Right, Tony. But I am coming.’

‘So we’ll end up having one big family party –’

‘Since I’m sticking around, too,’ Happy’s voice supplies from across the room.

‘And Steve?...’ Pepper asks, looking back at Tony, and he shrugs.

‘He’s got to be at S.H.I.E.L.D. so I guess it will be us only, like in good old times.’

He has an impression that Pepper quite fancies the idea.

 

 

The rest of the week is busy, busier than Tony has grown used to – or maybe more intense is the better way to describe it, since he still doesn’t ever give himself enough time to slack off and rest. He visits Riverside before the trip, as his Saturdays seem to be full of other plans his month, and spends half of the day playing with Legos, swinging younger kids in the swings, and _talking_ with the older ones who still find him fascinating, even after all this time, something he can’t quite understand.

Then he flies to Texas in Iron Man’s invisible armor, with Rhodey and Happy beside him, and seeing the land moving so quickly underneath them and the sky same blue all the way, it all feels strangely new, even though he’s done it countless times before.

Maybe that’s because Rhodey and Happy _haven’t_ done it countless times before and it’s a true miracle to them, and a novelty, to be able to fly.

The whole setting: having everyone around, eating takeout pizza and tacos and milkshakes, creating something this – big, size-wise and idea-wise, working in a tank top and hardly stopping to sleep, it all feels as if he travelled at least ten years back in time. It’s been – different, since Afghanistan, but especially recently.

It’s a great feeling.

They manage to finish the construction in two days, with the use of heavy machinery and pre-made chunks of the construction, and on Sunday Tony and Rhodey are finally ready to install the reactor’s core.

‘It might blow up if something goes wrong,’ Tony warns everyone for the hundredth time, and yet they refuse to go somewhere safe, putting protective goggles and moving just two steps back instead.

‘That’s a constant risk around you,’ Pepper comments, probably making a face, Tony isn’t looking, but he can imagine it perfectly. ‘We trust you.’

‘Let’s just turn it on then as see if it works – JARVIS?’

‘Safety check done, sir. Everything ready.’

‘Turn off all the superfluous power in the facility – Rhodey, connect that part as soon as I’m done here,’ Tony orders, pointing at the piece. ‘Here goes nothing,’ he mutters to himself, walking up with the new element core in his hands, surprisingly light for a metal chunk this size, and after a breath places it in the center of the reactor.

Everything goes pulsating and white, and for a split of a second Tony hold his breath, countless ways of things going wrong flashing through his head – but the light steadies and turns blue, just like it should, and Rhodey shouts, ‘We did it!’ and then connect the pieces.

The whole building is illuminated again, the power coming from the reactor easily sufficient for a hundred of similar facilities.

‘How long is it going to run then?’ Pepper asks when Tony walks back to them, wrapping her hand around Tony’s wrist and squeezing is reassuringly. Tony loves when she smiles this happily.

‘With maximum consumption, a core should last a year. Maybe longer, but that’s wishful thinking. Right, J?’

‘It is 380 days we estimated, sir, not a year. But yes.’

‘What happens to the core when it’s depleted, though?’ Happy questions, the blue glow of the reactor making his eyes shine strangely. ‘Is it a waste or what?’

‘We have so far found seventeen uses for recycled vibranium, Mister Hogan. There might be more to be discovered, but those seventeen seem to be sufficient. The element seems to stay useful even after such intense utilization.’

‘That’s so damn cool,’ Happy summarizes everyone’s feelings pretty aptly, still staring at the reactor. It does look impressive, Tony agrees wholeheartedly. Very impressive, but the numbers are ever more amazing.

This is his fucking legacy, in the end. It better be worth something –

‘I’ll turn it off now, Tony,’ Rhodey says loudly and Tony nods in agreement, and then blinks a few times, watching the light die out again, and smiles.

– no, this is Tony Stark’s legacy. It’s only a part if _his_ legacy.

 

 

Pepper stays in the west to visit a few of Star Industries plants on the coast, since she’s in the area, so the three men come back to New York flying. As soon as they are in the city, they spread out: Rhodey goes back to his apartment, Happy flies home, and tony heads for the Avengers HQ to meet up with Steve, as promised.

‘It worked,’ he tells Steve, still in Iron Man’s voice, as soon as he gets inside Steve’s rooms, and lets JARVIS take the armor off. ‘Perfectly.’

‘Okay, great,’ Steve says without much enthusiasm and Tony frowns.

‘Steve?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Did something happen?’

‘Not really,’ Steve mutters, running a hand through his hair in an _I’m not sure_ gesture that he sometimes does. ‘We just – we had a rough night. Around. Well. And it’s not like I’m not happy for you,’ he adds quickly, giving Tony a firm look, ‘it’s just that I don’t find it surprising it worked. It was you who created the reactor, in the end. Had to work.’

Tony nods, well, that’s a nice thing to hear – but he wishes he knew what _a rough night_ really means. Is it one of the nights that Steve was trying to get away from? Or rough S.H.I.E.L.D.-wise, training wise, since Steve’s been training some juniors and seniors again?

He doesn’t have to ask, though. Steve’s openness is one of the things he admires a lot.

‘We used to call nights like that _veteran_ _nights_ , back with the Commandos. Back then. It’s restlessness and flashbacks and persistent thoughts that you wish went away, but they won’t. I spent the night with Nat – we were talking,’ Steve clarifies, as if there was any doubt, Tony thinks, smiling a bit. ‘Telling stories. Explaining. It’s things that are hard to put into words, so –’

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you,’ Tony says, feeling guilty because he’s had one of the best times in the last few weeks, if not months, and he’s Steve’s – he’s _something_ for Steve, and that’s his responsibility.’

‘Don’t be silly. I’m fine. It happens.’

There is no point in arguing – it’s not like Tony can get into Steve’s head to be sure – so he just asks, ‘And Natasha?’

‘She’s sleeping.’

‘Invite her for dinner tomorrow, when you see her. I’ll be working, but you’ll be at the HQ, right? You’ll see her. I have a feeling she hates me a tiny bit. It would be nice to make her hate me a bit less or something, or just show her I’m not gonna corrupt you or steal you or whatever she might be thinking of.’

‘… did it surprise you that she cares?’ Steve asks after a beat, and Tony considers.

‘I lived decades in a world where no one really cared, so yeah. It did. But I’m glad someone’s looking out for you, even if it’s an assassin.’

Steve laughs lightly and pulls Tony into a hug, and then tells him they are going out for food. Steve and Nate, that is.

‘Candles and roses?’ Tony teases, putting in the contact lenses.

‘If you tell the street vendor, he might be able to procure some,’ Steve replies, stretching out his hand. Tony takes it and lets Steve lead.

Natasha comes by the next evening – Happy disappears off the face of the earth, interestingly, pretending not to have anything to do with Nate more extremely than usual – and Tony starts to understand why she and Steve are friends.

She’s funny and smart and had great sense of humor, when she dares to lower her usual ice queen defenses, and Tony almost feels jealous. Almost. Even though it’s silly.

‘I don’t have big expectations when it comes to people,’ she tells him when Steve leave for the kitchen to get the ice cream they’re having for dessert; clever move, since ice cream is Tony to-go food that he can almost always eat it easily. ‘As long as you make him happy, that’s fine. You make him happy. That’s fine by me.’

‘ _I’m glad_ ,’ Tony types. Natasha reads upside-down fluently, so he doesn’t even have to turn the tablet around. And then he thinks, why not, and adds, ‘ _do you have someone like that_?’

‘You’d be surprised,’ she replies with a mysterious smirk. Tony doesn’t have time to dig deeper as Steve comes back a moment later, but it sounds like a yes.

 

 

‘Sir, Director Fury would like to see you,’ JARVIS tells Tony as soon as Tony gets up, Steve nowhere to be seen. Probably working out, like Steve does. With Happy, maybe.

‘Huh?’

‘Shall I –’

‘Heya, old man,’ Tony hears Hermes’ artificially-laced voice, ‘was told to leave a message for you from my buddy.’

‘Your buddy?’ Tony all but mouths, almost hearing JARVIS’ internal sigh.

‘You promised to help with some portal stuff. Well, there’s more data now, so Fury kindly asks you to bring your ass over to HQ to talk to him. Well, he asks Iron Man, I assume, since that one was stupid enough to fly into a portal and _saw things_ ,’ he finished in a perfect horror-movie-commentary-imitation voice.

‘J, anything pressing?...’

‘You chose your own activities and deadlines at this moment, sir,’ JARVIS reminds him smoothly, sounding awfully happy with himself. True, there’s nothing on Tony’s plate that would need to be ready immediately.

‘Tell _your buddy_ that I’ll be there – is he even at the HQ?’

‘He’s supposed to be between 1400 and 1600 hours, to pop in and hear out _some morons’ reports_.’

‘I’ll be there half past three, then, let him know – and H, just a thought,’ Tony smirks, ‘you do get on too damn well, don’t you?’

‘I think I tried to tell you, Tony dear, that I’m too charming not to be admired by crowds,’ Hermes replies before the line goes dead, soft static ringing in Tony’s earns for a moment.

‘JARVIS, we created a monster,’ he deadpans, and JARVIS wisely stays silent.

 

 

‘You look awful,’ Fury says instead of a greeting, and Tony actually laughs.

‘Oh no I don’t, I actually look very smashingly handsome,’ he declares. Maybe not smashingly handsome, but he doesn’t look as bad as he could. Definitely better than the previous time and Director knows that, yet he still insists on playing his game. ‘Right, H?’

‘Oh yes you do,’ Hermes agrees eagerly and when Fury glares, he adds, ‘don’t be mad, Nick, you’re my favourite, but this is my creator and I need to play nice or he could _do something_.’

It sounds almost as if he were shivering, and Tony laughs a bit more.

‘So, portals? Took you some time to drag me here again, since our last talk.’

‘I was busy with other things. For example, world peace. Which you should be worried about, Iron Man.’

‘I know you have a mission for me, because I have a mission for myself and you’re going to pretend I’m doing it acting on your orders, like always, and that’s as world peace of me as it gets this week,’ Fury nods. Tony knows S.H.I.E.L.D. picked up the arms dealing activities in Middle East, too, and he will ensure nothing messed up comes out of it. ‘Portals?’

‘It would be exceptionally kind if someone like Iron Man finally appeared and consulted on the conclusions we’ve arrived to in our reports, including all portal-linked instances up to Thor’s return. For future reference.’

‘And I still don’t see how you need my help –’

‘I just want you to look at those damn reports, Stark, and check all the data we’ve been able to gather, as a scientist, you should know there’s never too much data. And then I want you on a project.’

‘If it’s weapons –’

‘It’s research,’ Fury glares. ‘Doctor Foster will be part of the team, she just doesn’t know yet, because the first thing I need to do is actually ask you. Have you made upgrades that would allow your suit to stay and work in space yet?’

‘Why are you asking about this all of sudden?’ Tony asks, narrowing his eyes, and sits down in the free chair. ‘It’s been a long time –’

‘We’re getting signals from our agents at the enemy’s facility. They should be able to send us their reports and wrap up the mission in a few weeks, and the research they’ve been around is _all_ about portals. Creating portals. Controlling portals. So presumably, there are quite a few individuals around who will know too much, and it’s safe to assume it will be some time before we can capture and eliminate them all as threats.’

‘So?’

‘So, I want to make most of it – I want S.H.I.E.L.D. to make most of it.’

‘You’re enjoying saying things in such an inefficient way, Nick, buddy,’ Hermes pipes up, making Fury rolls his eyes with fond annoyance. ‘We’ve been talking about the abilities of A.I.’s, and Nick here though we could _use_ the portals, instead of just destroying them. As in, say A.I. robots through them to gather data for us. There where the scientist and data rant comes from.’

‘What, do you volunteer, H?’ Tony asks automatically, processing the words and everything they could man in his head. He has to admit that Fury is right about the portals appearing around, it sounds inevitable. He only had a few seconds of footage but it’s still priceless. ‘I’m busy,’ he says, resting his hands in his lap.

‘That’s a lame excuse.’

‘I really am damn busy,’ Tony repeats, taking out his tablet and giving the to-do list a quick look. There are dozens of positions and most of them completely untouched.

But then it’s not like he’ll manage to make half of them real, he realizes. It’s just _impossible_. Everything requires time.

And well, he does have a space-safe suit.

So, prioritizing.

‘I’ll give the reports a look, and I’ll think about it. If you are nice, maybe you’ll get something. _For science_.’

‘For science,’ Fury repeats mockingly, and then nods to himself. ‘They are waiting in debrief room thirteen.’

‘Nick was sure you’d agree, well, almost sure, and he thought if you don’t agree, the research team won’t complain anyway because they are too afraid to do that,’ Hermes explains helpfully.

‘Damn right,’ Fury mutters. Tony snickers, and stands up, nodding at JARVIS to wrap the armor around him, and three second later he’s safe in his cocoon.

‘And, by the way,’ Fury says before Tony get to the door, ‘are you ever gonna tell me what’s going on with you?’

‘Nope.’

‘With S.H.I.E.L.D. resources –’

‘Nope,’ Tony repeats and turns around sharply. ‘Don’t even start,’ he adds before walking out of the room.

 

 

‘How do you like the deep space exploration idea, J?’ Tony asks when he’s flying over Europe to complete another of Iron Man’s famous world peace missions.

‘Intriguing, sir. We would have to find a reliant way of communication, though, and it seems impossible as there is no way of knowing where the other of the portal ends is. It might be hundreds or thousands of light-years away.’

‘They did it in Star Wars,’ Tony says with a straight face, glancing at the data spread across the HUD.

‘Then we shall try using the force,’ JARVIS replies, his serious voice matching Tony’s, and Tony wishes they could.

 

 

When the mission is complete – it’s almost like going back to Iron Man’s first days, nothing but blowing up weapons that shouldn’t be where they are, and assuring the owners don’t hurt the civilians as a punishment – Tony gives himself a few long minutes of rest before flying back home. He hates being tired so damn much, especially because it never ends, these days. It gets better and worse but it never ends.

‘All done easily here and I’m on my way back,’ he reports back to everyone who would like to hear that, and then shuts down the message and call alerts. ‘I need a moment of nothing but the damn rustle of the air around the suit. Or a few moments.’

‘Understood, sir,’ JARVIS agrees obediently; he always understands.

When he is half across Spain, he makes a decision and stops the suit, hovering over the clouds somewhere above Madrid.

‘Change course and tell Steve I’m sorry but I’ll talk to him when I’m back –’

‘Sir?’

‘We’re taking a detour. There is someone I need to see in the UK.’

 

 

Scott simply raises an eyebrow when the doors seem to open themselves – since the armor in still in an invisible mode – and when Tony seems to magically appear in the middle of the living room.

‘Just in time for tea and biscuits,’ he comments mildly, gesturing at the tea table, ‘let me just get a teacup for you – seeing you in person is still nicer than talking to the holographic you. I dislike that persistent blue glow.’

‘Yeah, I can’t keep the edges as sharp without the blue, you know I’ve been trying to do something with that for years –’

‘Don’t lie to me,’ Scott cuts in happily, pouring Tony a cup of the tea, ‘you just want them to be like the holograms in Star Wars. Lucky me you don’t insist on making then that wavy and pitch-sounded, too.’

‘Star Wars seems to be a thing a lot recently,’ Tony mutters over the teacup, blowing at it as if it would really help with the scalding hot liquid.

‘Maybe because it’s supposed to be the future and you live in the future? _Iron Man_?’

Tony snickers, puts down the teacup, and then laughs, his voice harsh and ragged, his lungs screaming for air, but he can’t stop. It’s fucking stupid but it – it just sounds wrong. Simple choice of words.

‘Live,’ he finally says, aware of Scott observing him with reluctant worry, ‘not really.’

‘You have months.’

‘Or weeks. How would you know? Maybe days. Maybe some aliens will feel like visiting London in ten minutes, and we’d be blown apart. There’s no knowing. It’s not really living –’

‘That’s not true and you know it –’

‘There is a funeral I need to go to,’ Tony cuts in, just above a whisper. ‘Tomorrow.’

‘Tony,’ Scott just says, waiting for an explanation. Tony takes a few sips of the tea in silence before he puts the words together.

‘I got the message yesterday, well, JARVIS got it for me. Someone I’ve been seeing every few weeks at the clinic, for months. We talk while we wait, all of us, so it’s like that little crowd that you get to know pretty well without realizing. And I should go, but…’

‘But?’

‘I haven’t been to a funeral since my parents.’

‘… But you want to attend,’ Scott reads his mind, so Tony nods. Scott knows everything too damn well. ‘Take someone with you.’

‘I require too much of them already,’ Tony says, and it explains things well enough. Scott is a blessing because he doesn’t push.

‘At least let Nate cry then. I know you didn’t and I know you wouldn’t, but maybe let Nate do it for you. It’s a very human thing to do,’ he pauses and then adds, ‘but at least drink your tea before you _fly away_ , T.’

Tony does and then decides to stays overnight and doesn’t say a single word all that time. It is fine, though, because Scott has seen it before.

He makes it right in time to get home, change, and get to the graveyard on time.

‘No fucking crying,’ he mutters to himself throughout the service, making sure no one hears him, because no one is supposed to hear Nate’s voice.

He keeps it together, offers an envelope with handwritten note to the widow, and leaves the sun-filled and almost too bright graveyard in quick steps, and then enters a nearby bar. He hasn’t taken any of his meds since yesterday, because he was feeling sick of them rather than planning _this_ – so he’s free to do what he wants.

It’s not hard to get drunk as he hasn’t touched alcohol for a long time, other than a sip of whiskey and Rhodey’s non-alcoholic beers. It’s a strange heavy feeling in his limbs, making him feel blurry at the edges, making his thoughts slow down and the whole world slow down, and making him smile lopsidedly with ease.

‘You, mister, should head home now,’ the barman says sometime, Tony isn’t sure how long he’s been sitting here.

‘ _One more gin tonic_ ,’ he types, the movements of his fingers surprisingly accurate, ‘ _for the road_.’

‘Well, you’re the boss,’ the barman mutters and obeys. Tony leaves him an almost-Stark tip when he finally jumps off the stool.

Tony unsurely steps out of the door into the semi-darkness of late twilight; it doesn’t take long to have a taxi stop in front of the bar. He gets inside and shows the driver the address. Just before he closes his eyes, he blurrily sees the driver looking at him in the rear mirror with a smile.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading & for all your comments on the bonus! They were priceless to me <3 
> 
> Uhm, there, I hope this chapter brings some answers. And some new questions maybe. Any feedback would be greatly, _greatly_ appreciated. It makes me happy that I know I can count on you in this regard :)


	7. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to [vahinepapaya](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vahinepapaya/profile) because she's such a lovely person and deserves this for putting up with me :)

It’s dark when he wakes up and he hurts all over. That’s unusual.

And then he realizes he’s somewhere he doesn’t recognize and takes a sharp breath, sitting up rapidly, which makes his head pound unbearably and the – the restraints around his wrists cut into his skin.

That’s just beyond the usual level of disaster.

‘Hello,’ a melodic male voice says somewhere on his left. ‘Not the usual way you wake up, hmm? Unless you’re into things, that is. I wouldn’t want to assume.’

Tony closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and opens them again to look at his hands. His skin is still shades darker than normal which means he hasn’t been here, wherever it might be, for too long. It takes the color three hours to come off and he is pretty sure he took one of the pills about half an hour before he left the bar.

Going there, in retrospect, was an unbelievably stupid idea.

He glares at the man, his stare not hard enough since he can’t focus on anything beyond the pain properly. If everything is intact, he should be able to keep his cover for a while longer; it’s worth trying even though he doesn’t know how much time he has.

So he keeps silent and eyes the laptop sitting on the table next to the man. He looks perfectly ordinary, as if taken out of a criminology textbook, stealth chapter. Almost too ordinary.

‘Oh yes, I know, the mute genius, he won’t exactly _answer_ your questions, they told me. They said you can hear me perfectly fine though, so here is what I’m going to tell you and what you’re going to do: we know you can create A.I.s. Don’t ask me how – wait, you couldn’t even if you wanted,’ he laughs, making Tony’s skin crawl, ‘but we know things. We know quite a few S.H.I.E.L.D. secrets are protected by something of your making, including the details of a mission you’re in the middle of, one that could be very bad for us.’

Tony keeps his face blank, as blank as he can manage with his thoughts elsewhere: the agents are in danger. They are not yet, apparently, but they _will be_. He needs to make sure they’ll be safe but he’d have to talk to JARVIS about that.

‘Your communications is thoroughly scrambled,’ the man says gleefully, ‘we aren’t stupid.’

JARVIS will be on a lookout for Tony, as soon as Tony goes incommunicado. They are always connected so that’s a great sign.

Also, Nate is just Nate and no one would expect him to be a frequent kidnapping victim; he’s not Tony Stark who would have an experimental locating chip implanted somewhere in his body.

Only that he is, so he smiles. That’s not a good idea but he doesn’t care: at this moment, there is no one he loathes more than this over-informed man. And he has very little to lose.

The man doesn’t like the smile, Tony feels it in the force that’s put into the slap on his face.

He is physically much weaker, he knows, and the restrains hurt his wrist as hell, but that doesn’t make the desire to punch the man stop.

Nate is just a scientist, just a scholar and a genius, maybe; he isn’t Tony Stark who shot people and put his mentor and former friend into a jail for life after threatening to kill him.

He smiles again and the man snarls, more worked up than he should be, in Tony’s opinion – but then he’s never really been the bad guy – and lunges to hit Tony again, this time aiming at his chest, _oh fuck they had to notice the damn thing implanted into his body_ , even though he keeps the light covered, they must have searched him and noticed the reactor. Tony can’t let the man lay the punch; he has only a second to act, so he frees his hand with a violent movement, tearing some skin off and possibly dislocating something inside, but he manages to move out of the way of the man’s arm. There is a pause as the man freezes, his first meeting nothing but the air, throwing him off balance, and Tony uses that hesitation to free his other hand, and then he pushes the old rusty hospital bed he’s been tied to into the man’s frame, catching him off guard, and the man falls. Tony reminds himself to take a breath, much more painful than usual and almost not worth it, and moves.

He pins the man to the floor with his knee while the man is still dizzy, having obviously banged his head on the hard concrete surface.

‘They will be –’ he manages to spit out before Tony returns the punch on the face, and then with one swift move he’s learned from Natasha, not that she’s aware, he makes the man black out.

No time, he knows, his thoughts keep racing underneath the surface of the pulsating ache. Someone will come in in a moment and he has to prioritize: hide? Fight back? Try to negotiate – well, that card is gone when they see the man on the floor.

 _Protect your identity_ comes to his mind pretty much as the first thing, still, something drilled in during the long days of pretending he is not himself. Wasting his energy on anything else is pointless; he’s too weak to fight anyone else. His heart is racing and breathing makes his chest too tight.

He couldn’t even run away if he wanted.

The man’s phone has no network access, it would be very silly of the kidnappers not to make sure of that, Tony mentally congratulates them on that; he gets the time, though. Just before midnight. He should still have almost an hour of safe cover: that means they aren’t anywhere far and JARVIS will be here for him soon. He sits down, cross-legged, and digs a hidden miniature box out of the sole of his shoe. No one can detect it: it’s no weapon, just plastic and meds, just in case something like _this_ happened.

He dry-swallows a skin colorant and a pain medicine and tosses the package away just in time; a few seconds later he hears footsteps outside and two bulky men step in the room.

They don’t have time to react, though, not really, as Iron Man gets inside through a dramatic window smash, and takes them down in the matter of a second.

‘You did well,’ Iron Man’s voice echoes hollowly as he kneels in front of Tony. Tony puts his hand on the armor’s shoulder tiredly, in a silent _thank_ _you_.

JARVIS must be itching to say _sir_ , but he doesn’t, and that makes Tony frown slightly and look around once again.

‘Captain and Widow are three minutes behind me; I informed Captain of the events. He insisted on coming and Widow wouldn’t let him do it alone, in case there were more enemies present –’ he trails off for a moment, targeted tranqs shooting out from his arm pocket, three bodies hit the floor; Tony is slipping because he didn’t even hear anyone coming, ‘– as if I was unable to take care of them.’

‘I don’t say _unable_ ,’ Tony mutters, tapping the armor with affection, ‘just wasn’t able, kiddo.’

‘Forgive me,’ JARVIS inclines his head and stays still though he must be itching to scan Tony to make sure he’s all right.

‘They didn’t expect Nate to have badass friends that would come after him this quick,’ he says harshly, almost feeling like laughing which isn’t a good idea, ‘cause the reactor.

‘Are you hurting much?’

‘I just swallowed a pill, it’ll be gone soon,’ Tony slightly slurs, shutting his eyes as bright lights appear behind the broken window, making the room too-bright, and then Cap and Natasha jump off the hovering jet into the building.

‘Are you okay?’ Steve asks, kneeling in front of Tony in no time, and looking at him closely. The question has too many answers.

‘ _Achy_ ,’ he signs weakly, and Steve’s eyes widen at the sight of his mutilated wrists, ‘ _but okay_.’

‘You should have waited for us to come, you wouldn’t have gotten this hurt –’

‘ _Don’t_ ,’ Tony signs.

Natasha’s eyes are burning a hole in his forehead.

‘ _Had to_ ,’ he adds and looks at Steve, hoping his eyes say _please understand_. Steve nods unsurely and wraps his arms around Tony’s shoulders, carefully avoiding touching the wrists or the reactor area, and helps Tony up.

Tony’s legs are shaking and he would have fallen if it weren’t for Steve – just then he realizes he’s still pretty much drunk. His mind seems clear enough, but his body is going to process the alcohol for some time.

‘ _Any more goons_?’ he signs at Iron Man, who is standing unmoving. ‘ _They_ _know we have some agents among them, they said_.’ 

‘Support squad on its way, it seems, but no one conscious in the facility,’ JARVIS keeps his voice perfectly level. ‘I shall stay behind and make sure they are dealt with until S.H.I.E.L.D. gets here.’

‘You mean they are affiliated with the organization we’re trying to work out?’ Natasha speaks up for the first time, a strange note Tony doesn’t know to her voice.

‘ _Probably_.’

‘Fuck,’ she mutters, but she’s close enough for everyone to hear it. ‘Comm scrambler, it seems,’ she adds, checking her S.H.I.E.L.D.-issued phone, ‘a damn good one. Well done, bastards.’

‘We need to take you home,’ Steve whispers into Tony’s ear, still almost holding him upright.

‘I will stay –’ Natasha starts at the same time, but then she shakes her head, ‘no, I’ll pilot. You scoop him up and carry him to the jet. Iron Man will manage to take care of this, right?’

JARVIS nods, his arms crossed on the armored chest, looking strangely natural, and watches them leave.

‘You’re quite badass for such a weeny thing,’ Natasha comments offhandedly, but with a note of appreciation, following them into a jet.

‘ _Thanks_ ,’ Tony signs, smiling weakly. Steve raises an eyebrow at that but Natasha can’t see it.

‘And by the way, I’m surprised,’ she adds as soon as they are inside and she’s putting on the headset, ‘I was getting pretty sure you were Iron Man,’ she adds, looking back at Tony nestled into one of the reclining seats. Steve tenses at his side, though Tony’s sure no one but him would notice; Steve can be a great actor sometimes.

Tony tilts his head, resting it on Steve’s arm, and signs, ‘ _I am_.’

He isn’t sure if it’s because he is drunk or because Natasha deserves to know, for Steve’s sake, and would know soon enough, but it feels right.

‘Are you?’

‘ _Sometimes_ ,’ he adds at her stunned face. ‘ _I am… sometimes_.’

‘And now?’ she questions, a balance of curiosity and doubt in her voice, and Tony smiles hazily and waves at Steve to talk for him.

‘Iron Man is sometimes operated by an A.I.’ Steve says, ‘and I never thought that would be a surprise, Nat. You know him, he’s a genius – but please, just fly us home now. New York, that is. Our HQ. I’ll take care of him from then on.

‘Dress his wrists first,’ Natasha just says, turning around, and flies them back.

 

 

Tony wakes up with a splitting headache and that definitely is hangover. There’s also Doc’s face hovering over him, and a familiar hum of the workshop, completed by a bluish glow.

‘JARVIS’ scans say there is no internal injuries, should I trust him?’

‘He’s JARVIS,’ Tony mutters, his own voice too loud inside his head, ‘he’d pin me to bed if he thought I needed rest. The scans are accurate.’

‘Just wondering, kid – they are scarily accurate. Really freakishly accurate. I haven’t seen non-magnetic scans this accurate ever before.’

‘Technology progresses every day,’ Tony counters, wriggling his feet and moving his hands a bit; the pain is focused in a few spots now; his head and chest and general abdomen area, and where the restraining ropes were.

‘Why haven’t we been using this before…?’

‘Recent development.’

Doc raises an eyebrow.

‘Well, whatever you say – how on Earth did you manage to get yourself kidnapped? You were supposed to be just a guy, in this disguise. Just a damn guy. You’re gonna give me a heart attack.’

‘They knew too much,’ he says, even though it’s not really an explanation. ‘They knew I made the A.I.s. Natasha and JARVIS _have to_ do something with these men.

‘Director Fury and Agent Coulson flew to the site personally,’ Steve speaks up from the side and a moment later he’s there with cups of hot milky tea. ‘They will make sure to find out everything there is to find out.’

‘Good.’

‘I’ll stay here tonight,’ Doc says, standing up to leave the bedroom, ‘you have an acceptable sofa. I’ll make sure you’re okay in the morning. Now just sleep.’

‘We’ll see about that,’ Tony mutters, glancing at the dawning sky. The summer sunrises are early, but he still had to be out for a couple of hours since falling asleep on the jet.

‘I know you were just kidnapped and hurt and it was adrenaline-inducing or however you call it,’ Steve tells him softly, taking the half-empty cup out of his hand, ‘but your body is exhausted. You need rest. So sleep.’

‘Maybe,’ Tony mutters, trying to keep his eyes open, but he fails so miserably. Kind of pathetic, but he knows his head will hurt less if he gives in and rest and that’s a very strong argument.

‘Tony… why did you tell Natasha about Nate? She’s going to keep asking, thinking, did you have – a reason?’

‘Nah,’ Tony mutters into the pillow. ‘You can have ‘Tasha, y’know,’ he adds sleepily, turning to his side, Steve’s arm over his waist.

‘What?!’ he hears Steve’s stunned voice, which only makes him smile mellowly.

‘When I’m gone, you can ask her to be your girl, she seems nice enough and you like her, and she’s pretty,’ the words keep coming out of his mouth and he can’t be bothered to stop, not really, ‘and you’ll need someone.’

‘How on Earth would that work –’

‘We were friends and now we’re – this, and you two are friends…’

‘It doesn’t work like that,’ Steve replies, with a little bit more amusement, but it’s sad amusement. ‘Besides, she is seeing someone.’

Tony nods sleepily, his thoughts too scrambled to actually process the words, and he falls asleep to the warm body next to his.

 

 

The rope cuts sting as hell when Doc is cleaning them in the morning. It’s a new sharp _superficial_ kind of pain and Tony stares at his arms with curiosity, wishing all his body was this easy to tend to and to fix.

It’s an unknown, a dark hole, instead, and it’s frustrating to no end.                    

‘Was your identity really worth it?’ Doc asks, securing the bandage, and Tony raises his head confusedly.

‘Hmm?’

‘Was it worth it, beating up that man just to secure your false identity when you had no idea when someone might come after you and how many people are around? They could have hurt you _really badly_.’

‘I had to.’

‘Haven’t you had enough torture in your life?’

That’s a low one but Tony knows what Doc means; he’s established the price he’s willing to pay for keeping his real identity secret, and it’s a damn high price. But ultimately it might be just not worth it.

It’s up to him to decide where to draw the line.

‘It _still_ was worth it,’ he says firmly, and adds, just to placate Doc a bit ‘cause he’s an overprotective bastard, ‘I calculated everything and knew J would be there within half an hour at most. Half an hour is very little,’ _compared to three months_ he leaves unsaid.

Doc doesn’t argue with that, instead, he sighs deeply and promises to come in the evening to check up on Tony.

‘JARVIS kept his word until you went off grid,’ Steve tells Tony, placing a plate full of fruit and other nice things on the table a few minutes later.

‘Oh?’

‘When you disappeared, he told me what you were up to. I was worried when you decided to take a detour on your way back, but he assured me it’s more than fine, so it was good and I was okay with that – and then he tells me you got drunk and someone _kidnapped_ you,’ he adds in quiet voice, ‘and I knew he wasn’t joking, but really, it sounded like a bad joke.’

‘Well,’ is all Tony can say. Steve’s turn to talk today.

‘That… it wasn’t the first funeral, was it?

‘… no, it’s wasn’t,’ Tony admits. ‘It was the first one I dared to really think about, though.’ And after a short pause, ‘Steve. I might have a few places to visit.’

‘All right,’ Steve agrees in understanding and stands up, ‘now?’

‘No, you lovely moron,’ Tony laughs, ‘it’s the first. We have a team meeting today and by the way I should’ve been in radiation like three hours ago –’

‘You weren’t in a state to go.’

‘I know,’ Tony mutters, waving his hand at JARVIS’ who reads his mind and displays a virtual calendar on the nearby screen. ‘Team meeting, training, and then we send Jane, Thor, and Natasha off to Australia again… Busy week. Well. Day.’

Not too busy though: JARVIS goes to the training with Steve – Tony doesn’t even consider arguing, that would be silly and childish – but he makes a switch and it’s him during the team meeting.

Bruce asks Iron Man to stay for a moment after everything is concluded and it’s time for the customary team dinner.

‘I heard from Director Fury that you’re going to consult on portals and deep space,’ Tony nods, wondering how Bruce knows that. ‘Fury doesn’t like sharing things but I don’t like working for someone who doesn’t share things, so we compromise. Hermes is helpful in that.’

‘How so?’ Tony can’t stop himself from asking, trying to ignore the images of Fury being _gently persuaded_ by the threat of Hulk strolling around if he doesn’t talk.

‘He believes there shouldn’t be any secrets in very important matters that involve _helluva lot of people_ , to quote his words, apparently. He has a strong moral code for such an annoying being, you know.’

‘All right,’ Tony agrees, snickering behind the faceplate. Sometimes he surprises himself with his amazing ideas.

‘So, if you want anyone to help out or brainstorm, let me know? I might not be an expert but it’s a very interesting subject and I’d be happy to help out.’

‘Sure,’ Iron Man agree, inclining his head a bit. He isn’t sure at all if he wants to let Bruce in more, though. Bruce is too smart to be given more pieces of the puzzle.

Tony sighs, knowing that he’ll have to revisit the _is it worth is_ part of his big plan; then he follows Bruce upstairs to see the leaving party out. Natasha keeps giving Tony long looks whenever she can afford and he pretends not to notice and doesn’t react; that’s so easy in the suit. Once the Quinjet is gone, Tony takes off, too, leaving Steve to the teammates, and flies until the sun sets down covering everything in a navy blue blanket.

 

 

They spend the next two days walking through cemeteries. Most of the people Tony’s met are – were – from New York, so it’s not a long trip, especially in Steve’s comfy car. He seems to kind of hate the idea at first and tries to talk Tony out of it, naturally, but Tony insists. He doesn’t tell Steve that JARVIS has most of his funeral arrangements managed.

The cemeteries are all the same, no matter the part of town, no matter the denomination. They are climatic in the light rain and serene in the sun, full of names and dates, vows and declarations, fresh flowers and dead flowers. Steve collects the dead bouquets while Tony stares at gravestones with familiar names and wonders how it is to pray for the dead, and then he throws them into the dumpster as they leave, each time. It’s a cross between awkward and kind, exactly what Steve is.

Tony feels unexpectedly good this radiation course, at least so far, and it’s a small miracle that is to be celebrated.

So they do.

In the mornings after the radiation – it’s still early – they lounge in the living room and eat late breakfast, taking slow bites and savoring the exquisite flavors of ripe summer fruit. They sit on the floor and in the direct sunlight, rays wrapping warmly around them, and they sit close enough for their bodies to almost-touch. They sit shoeless and disguise-less and smiling, mostly in silence, just enjoying the calmness.

There is a mad rushing city down there and the whole world moving on but they don’t have to; it’s enough to open the windows and listen to the buzz, let the wind in, and pretend that they are elsewhere. Or not really pretend: Tony is happy being here and Steve seems to be happy by his side. Maybe it would have been more poetic to be somewhere else to celebrate the summer, somewhere more south, somewhere with more history, but this is home.

Sunlit and concrete and steel and glass home.

It’s worth it to stop and try to remember – no, not really, no point in that, right? – _live_ every second as thoroughly as possible, take every breath with as much care as possible, with a shiver, with a smile.  

Tony doesn’t hurry to go back to work. It feels strange, he’s been rushing and trying to do everything all the time for months; a few of the big things are done, but it doesn’t stop him from feeling slightly guilty about doing nothing.

That is, until he sees how happy is makes Steve, and he lets himself be just happy, no second thoughts, too.

 

 

Steve goes to HQ on Saturday when Tony disappears for his trip to Riverside. Bruce isn’t there but Tony gets texts from both of them on his way: Bruce wants to know if Iron Man wants to talk about the portal issue; _I need a few more days_ , Tony replies. He’s been busy doing lovely nothing, that’s his excuse.

Clint texts him too, asking Nate about cycling again and although Tony is feeling unexpectedly well, it doesn’t feel like a good idea: he wouldn’t be able to match what he was half a year ago even in those favorable circumstances. So he replies, _Sorry, but I can’t right now; I’ll let you know if I have a moment sometime_. Not a lie, he just won’t _have a moment_.

Sunday sky is filled with soft white clouds, making everything hazy and unclear, but it’s exceptionally warm and stuffy, in a way Tony has always hated but finds himself appreciating it makes him feel warm all through, down to the bone, and this doesn’t happen that often these days.

They stay in bed late with Steve, both tired after long Saturday, and get out of the bedroom only because JARVIS announces Pepper at the apartment’s doors.

‘Get dressed,’ she says with an amused face when she sees them stumbling around in shorts and t-shirts, ‘we’re going out.’

‘Huh?’

‘Don’t make that face, Tony. You’ll love it.’

‘You should trust Miss Potts, sir. She knows exactly what makes you happy.’

‘Can’t argue with that,’ he mutters, walking past Steve back into the room to put on some appropriate clothes. He figures he’s going out as Nate, like always, so he ends up in soft chinos and a short-sleeved shirt. His wrists with the wounds almost half-healed, still pink and slightly inflamed, are exposed, but he doesn’t care about covering them.

Pepper just glances at his the marks – they haven’t met in person since the event, she was away so they could only talk – but doesn’t seem to make anything of them; Tony is just glad she isn’t crying or scolding him or anything.

Huh. This cancer thing must have made her tougher, he realizes. He isn’t sure he likes that, well, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t like that.

She takes Tony, Steve, and Happy to one of Howard-built Stark skyscrapers, sneaking them unnoticed, and pushes the button for the roof level, and Tony suddenly remembers some plans they made months before he _disappeared_. When they leave the elevator and step outside, he isn’t disappointed: there is a garden there, full of scents and colors amplified by being bathed in the sun, and the aroma of pines, so strange to New York, makes Tony smile widely.

Pepper raises an eyebrow at that and he nods; they share a lot of great memories that this reminds them both of.

‘Let’s have a picnic,’ she says lightly. Steve blinks in wonder and Happy smirks; of course he had to know about this, he and Pepper are impossible sometimes.

‘You know we could just –’ he starts, but then realizes they couldn’t go anywhere _normal_ , someone recognizable like Pepper doesn’t go sit on the grass in Central Park. It’s still a bit strange to think _he_ could. ‘Picnic sounds great.’

He doesn’t let himself thing about anything for the next few hours and it’s blissful; it’s just friends enjoying fancy snack food and organic sodas, sitting on the grass in the shade, hiding from the strong sunrays. There is a light salty breeze up above the city and when Tony lays down on his back and breathes the air in, staring at the blue cloudless sky, it almost feels like everything in perfect.

The afternoon could last forever, however cheesy that sounds, he decides.

It ends too quickly, even if rationally Tony knows they’ve just spent the whole day relaxing. The sunset comes too early but the soft darkness falling over the city and changing it subtly, while not welcome, is simply enthralling.

 

 

The next week continues being hot and sunny, with everyone in the stuffy streets hoping for a breath of wind or a cold bottle of water. Steve doesn’t say anything but Tony notices the looks of worry, of course – the heat wave could be hard to deal with for Tony, physically, but he’s always loved this kind of weather.

As long as he’s not in the desert, of course.

‘Let’s get ice cream,’ he tells Steve on Monday when they walk out of the clinic.

‘For breakfast?’

‘Perfectly acceptable,’ Tony declared over-passionately, flashing Steve a smile. ‘And cold.’

‘Now you’re talking,’ Steve laughs and drives them, following JARVIS’ direction, to one of approved places. They get enormous portions of ice cream of crazy flavors and go for a walk, instead of making their way back to the car. It’s a delight pretending to be one of random people in the streets, looking almost touristy in the light clothes and hats and sunglasses they are wearing.

Tony takes Steve’s hand and hold it, even though it get sweaty too quickly and falls out of his grip; he just tightens his fingers around Steve’s. Somehow it makes him feel – safe.

‘Is there something you… want to do?’ Steve asks when they’re almost done with the ice cream, mostly focusing on not getting the remaining melty custard on their clothes.

It might sound vague but Tony knows exactly what the question is about.

‘I already did it,’ he replies quickly, ‘the arc reactor.’

‘But I mean – for yourself, not for everyone else.’

Tony blinks and takes a moment to breath out a simple, ‘nah.’

‘But maybe –’

‘Steve,’ Tony says, stopping in the middle of the pavement and looking into Steve’s eyes as steadily as he can manage, ‘I have never stopped myself from doing what I wanted, when I was you-know-who. I visited all the places and tried everything that came to my mind and I pleasured myself in all the possible ways, and there is none of those _before I die_ things left.’

‘If you say so,’ Steve agrees half-heartedly.

‘This is what I want to do, you know,’ Tony adds, hating to see Steve sad like this while he himself isn’t. ‘Slow sunny mornings. Waking up next to you. Doing damn simple _normal_ things as if they were most important in the world. I’ve done everything else. This is new,’ he pauses waiting for Steve to nod. ‘And I’m feeling well. That’s everything.’

‘All right.’

‘You sure?’

‘Yeah, I get what you mean – Tony,’ he says in a whisper into his ear, making Tony shiver at the tingling at the back of his neck. ‘Good.’

‘Can we have more ice cream then?’

‘You sure you’re up to it?’

‘They are safe food,’ Tony reminds Steve, raising an eyebrow challengingly. ‘And I haven’t had vanilla with berry swirl yet, there is a place somewhere around that corner where they have –’

‘You’ve been pretending to wander around all this time only to _accidentally_ get close to another ice cream place, hmm?’

‘I am dying,’ he tells Steve firmly, not seeing Steve’s expression at that as his face is half-hidden behind the sunglasses. He turns around and starts walking, still holding Steve’s hand. ‘I am allowed to do things like that.’

‘I could have more ice cream,’ Steve only comments, his voice almost too light, and they keep on walking.

 

 

On the last day of radiation Tony gets a phone call from Fury a few moments after coming back home; it’s Hermes who says the director is wondering about the portal consulting – and has a few things to add to that, _if you were kind enough to come by, dear creator_.

‘I know what he’s on about,’ Tony sighs, JARVIS monitors S.H.I.E.L.D. all the time so he’s always ahead of the news. ‘I’ll be there in the afternoon. Say, four. Or something.’

‘Or something, dear lord, Tony,’ Hermes comments disapprovingly, making Tony chuckle.

‘Yep, that, and see ya,’ he adds, waving at J to cut the connection which JARVIS does immediately.

‘I made you yogurt pancakes,’ Steve says from the kitchen – unnecessary, the whole house smells like lovely breakfast. ‘I need to get to S.H.I.E.L.D. in an hour for a debrief – I bet Fury will tell you everything. And I’ll go by the HQ on my way back, promised Clint and Spider Man a few rounds, they insist they miss me being there to punch all the time.’

‘I bet,’ Tony laughs and sits down to eat.

 

 

‘Welcome, Master,’ Hermes’ voice greets Tony as soon as he enters Fury’s office.

‘What’s up with you today, bud?

‘Can’t I be nice sometimes?’

‘I didn’t program you to be nice.’

‘But I am a learning entity,’ Hermes points out smugly, making Tony snicker.

‘How can you learn about being polite when you’re around _Fury_ all the time?’

‘My agents are _polite_ to me,’ Fury comments from the other side if the room, pockets something he picked up from a shelf, and moves to sit down by his desk. Tony takes the other chair. ‘Natasha told me that you told her part of your story. She also mentioned you did a good unnecessary job fighting. I’m surprised.’

‘Oh?’

‘You never pegged me for the type.’

‘You thought I’d just sit back and let them do whatever they want to do to me?’ Tony snorts with dry amusement, ‘you know I fought back the last time. I knew this time it wouldn’t get a chance to get serious, so. But thanks for the compliment.’

‘It wasn’t one.’

‘Of course it wasn’t,’ Tony agrees mockingly. Fury stares at him for a moment, stretching into _almost uncomfortable_ territory.

‘It was stupid of you to give someone a chance, really. Getting into a stranger’s car?’

‘It was a fucking taxi.’

‘Your A.I. could have made sure you have a drive home –’

‘Just drop it, will ya?’ Tony cuts in. He doesn’t need to heart this.

‘So, are you gonna make up your mind or not, about the portals?’ Fury asks, changing the subject obediently. ‘I need answers. There are teams waiting for answers from you, not to mention the whole wide world that would benefit.’

‘You haven’t told me yet what the men you captured spilt – by the way, you see, if I haven’t entered that taxi you’d have never had those guys, so it was worth it.’

‘How do you know they told us anything?’ Fury muses, leaning back on the chair, ignoring the second half of Tony’s statement. But he gives Tony an _are you an idiot_ look anyway.

‘One thing I’d trust you with is exactly that, squeezing secrets out of poor bad guys. Not to mention all that truth serums and elaborate techniques your interrogation team is very familiar with. So, what did they say?’

‘They were muscle mass only, not high in the hierarchy. Figures. All they could give us was a few names and a few places; they are almost sure we’ve infiltrated their organization but they aren’t sure how and when and where, exactly –’

‘So you’re not pulling your men out?’

‘They knew the risk, don’t sound so appalled, _Stark_. They are special trained agents and they are doing a damn good job. Anyway, we think the mission might wrap up in a few weeks, they have a deadline from us. We acknowledge there _is_ a line between gathering as much intel as possible and being too daring. It’s cute of you to worry.’

‘It’s a moral requirement to worry,’ Tony shots back, somehow amused by Fury actually saying _cute_ , even if it sounds like insult coming from him.

‘But. Do you feel like deep space exploration, then?’

‘I don’t.’

Fury stares.

‘I don’t,’ Tony replies. ‘But I can help.’

‘You _don’t_.’

‘I’ve been through a portal once and that was one time too much,’ Tony explains, giving Fury only half of the reason, but a logical and perfectly understandable and human part of the reason. After almost-dying it should be logical to be… prejudiced. A bit. ‘Between Doctor Foster and Bruce, they would be able to do everything they can.’

‘But we need an A.I.’

‘I can help you with that. I can lend you a space-proof suit, _if_ I figure out the way to communicate, because, if you haven’t noticed yet, that’s an issue. But I don’t want to have anything else to do with the research.’

‘… that doesn’t sound like you.’

‘Doesn’t sound like Tony Stark, Iron Man, or Nate Rives?’ Tony questions smugly and Fury doesn’t have an answer to that. One point for Tony. ‘I say I’m in but I need to work in my own pace – and you need this for _after_ you capture the big fish anyway, right? Right. Yeah. So, I’ll keep trying to find a Star Wars solution to comms and things and you’ll let Doctor Foster and Bruce to all your resources and everything they might ask you for without questions, and you’ll make sure they are safe. Just in case.’

‘You’re demanding this week.’

‘I’m always demanding,’ Tony snorts, ‘that’s because I’ve gained the right to be.’

‘Like hell you did,’ Fury mutters, but it seems half-hearted. Tony ignores him.

‘And by the way, yes, I’m observing those guys in Africa and I’ll sort them out within a few days and drop the devices off at the local S.H.I.E.L.D. facility, and I know Steve will be going for an op with you and Phil, of all people, I don’t know how you want that to work but whatever you think will be good. Have great time in Germany. And Ukraine.’

‘You weren’t supposed to know about Ukraine.’

‘Even if you were able to keep that from me, _technically_ , Steve would tell me anyway despite your scowls and all. He’s that man.’

‘Just keep focused on the important things, Stark.’

‘Everything is important,’ Tony counters, snapping his fingers and standing up, a smile crawling onto his face. ‘That was a long enough talk, there, I think,’ he pauses to take a breath. And another. ‘Take care of Steve tomorrow, and of your damn portal team and of the Avengers, or I’ll make sure you regret it.’

He then turns around and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him with a thud, ignoring the _what the fuck just happened_ stare Fury is giving him.

 

 

Steve wakes up at five and leaves soon after. Tony pretends to be asleep but he isn’t, he hasn’t been sleeping most of the night, he doesn’t know why, but there is a restless air all around and he just can’t make his mind wander and analyze every damn detail.

It’s exhausting but all he has ahead in the day is typing, watching, talking with J, so it will be all right.

He gets out of the bed before six and makes his way to the workshop, the duvet wrapped around his shoulders like a coat, and nestles himself on the floor. The bots are around immediately, as always, and Tony gives them some tasks to do while he talks with JARVIS.

‘Mister Hogan is in his room, sir if you are feeling the need of human contact,’ J says after they’ve been talking for over an hour, Tony’s throat slightly sore form the incessant discussion.

‘Are you asking me if I’m feeling lonely because Steve left?’ Tony chuckles when JARVIS doesn’t dignify that with an answer. ‘I want to talk to _you_ , J. I know – I know a little bit now what Steve meant about living with all the Avengers, I think. It’s tiresome to be around someone all the time, and I don’t mean that I’m tired of Steve, but I’m just not used to having someone around all the time.’

‘I think I understand.’

‘I’ll have to get used to that.’

‘What do you mean, sir?’

‘When I need their help, you know,’ Tony continues, shaking his head at the thought crawling into his mind. ‘There will be this moment, right? When I’ll need someone’s help all the time. Unless I’m lucky enough to die before that happens.’

‘Do not say _lucky_ and _die_ in the same sentence, sir, please’ JARVIS says in the quietest voice, making Tony feel damn sorry for doing that because all he ever does is hurt people, but then JARVIS adds, ‘at least not yet.’

Tony exhales.

Everyone seems to be terrified of conversations about dying, he really shouldn’t be surprised JARVIS is the one to actually offer understanding. Because there might be a moment when Tony will wish to die more than anything else, because of pain or exhaustion or something else, that’s a normal feeling at some point, and JARVIS would let him go.

‘J,’ Tony says, his voice equally soft, ‘don’t tell anyone we talk about these things. And thank you.’

‘As you wish,’ JARVIS agrees gravely and Tony pretends that he isn’t almost-crying, he buries his head in blanket-wrapped knees and focuses on breathing. JARVIS starts the playlist of favorites because he can read Tony’s mind, and there is just calm silence between them for the next few hours of rest and work.

 

 

 _I have a feeling that Fury wants me to tell Coulson about you_ , Steve texts Tony in the evening. Tony frowns at that and then considers. It’s scarily probable. _And he wants me to tell him about you, too_ , Steve adds a moment later.

 _Don’t_ , he writes back.

 _Never_ , Steve texts instantly.

It’s a kind of a diplomatic mission, Tony knows, talking about world security with European authorities; Steve wasn’t invited to come to meetings on all the other continents but apparently Captain America is still considered an important figure in European history so it’s logical to ask him to come around.

And Fury would try to be sneaky. Yeah.

 _Good luck. Talk to J if you need someone sane around_ , Tony writes before slipping under the blanket. It’s strangely early for him to go to sleep but he feels tired after the long day, and he can stare at the city outside through the big windows anyway, until he actually falls asleep.

The day might have passed quickly, but the night might not, he realizes, because he’s apparently gotten used to a certain somebody by his side.

He has nightmares for the first time in weeks but it’s not Steve’s fault; he just hasn’t realized the tricks his own brain is playing on him. The mission he’s leaving for tomorrow is going to be, while not in Afghanistan, in a place similar enough. Desert and mountains and too many illegal arms, scorching sun and endless dunes.

‘Stop thinking about that,’ he mutters to himself, looking at the hour displayed simply on one of the walls. 1:41.

It doesn’t feel like he’s getting any quality sleep tonight, so he goes back to the spot in the workshop where he spent most of his day, a nest of blankets and pillows placed on a soft small mattress that wasn’t there before, with the bots nearby and more than eager to pet his hair and make him smoothies and do everything he might tell them to. The time until sunrise stretches out endlessly but when the room finally fills with light, Tony drags himself up and starts work again, ignoring the heaviness in his limbs.

‘You could cancel the mission, sir, or just let me do it,’ JARVIS points out sometime before lunch, seeing how Tony is trying and failing to completely cut himself off from the persistent memories.

‘It’s mostly SI arms, J. I’m obliged to take care of that. And I want to – I want to take care of that. Because I can,’ he adds after a shortest pause. ‘I just can. And this is what adults call responsibility.’

‘Not at such cost.’

‘Exactly at such cost,’ Tony argues despite knowing what JARVIS means and appreciating it a lot. ‘It wouldn’t mean anything if it weren’t difficult.’

‘Humans are so hard to understand sometimes,’ JARVIS comments, keeping his voice light and in the mood of a humorous complaint, but he means it, especially with _humans_ replaces by _you_.

 

 

 _Berlin is such a nice city, I didn’t expect that_ , Steve texts Tony when he is suiting up for the mission the next morning just before sunrise; he has to fly across the ocean. It’s late morning in Europe, Tony knows, and they are probably just getting brunch or something.

 _Much nicer than you must have seen it_ , Tony writes back, zipping up the undersuit.

‘J, have a look at the whole system,’ he orders JARVIS – everything is perfect but it never hurts to double-check – and then sips a thick shake with content, waiting for Steve’s reply, which comes a moment later.

_Everything looks better without bullet holes and soldiers with guns at every corner._

_I wouldn’t mind a certain soldier ;)_ Tony texts with a smirk, chewing on the straw and skimming over JARVIS’ check data; everything is indeed perfect.

 _You are impossible_.

 _I’m just improbable. And exceptional_.

 _And modest_ , Steve texts back, and then _but I need to go now. Godspeed, Tony._

 _I’ll try not to acquire bullet holes_ , Tony replies and puts his mug into the workshop’s sink. One last look around, even though he’s sure everything is in order, and the he steps into Mark IX.

He does acquire bullet holes – or bullet dents, really – and seriously considers not telling Steve while still maneuvering between the mini rockets the terrorists are launching at him. It’s a mess, the whole situation, there are so many civilians around that Tony has to be extra-careful which makes him an easier target. He knows he is going to win this one, if course he is, but it’s taking more time and effort than it should. He wouldn’t dare to risk anyone’s life though.

‘Tranq that fucking man before he launches _that_ at something that isn’t me,’ he barks out and JARVIS obeys immediately, incapacitating the man and remotely disabling the weapon. It shouldn’t be possible, they are protected against tampering like that, but they are SI-made and it’s a piece of cake for Tony to deal with it.

The chief of the band is hiding somewhere, Tony knows, and he would very much like to meet the man in person, but so far he hasn’t appeared on any face recognition scans, there it too much going on around, too many hiding spots, and Tony can’t just concentrate on finding him. Disabling and destroying the weapons is a priority.

It takes a couple of hours to remove the arms away from the lively village they’ve been hidden in. Tony places them all in the desert, in the middle of a sand dune far from everything, and blows them up methodically while searching for more and doing his best at keeping the civilian safe.

He is almost done with the weapons when he finds the man he’s been looking for –well, finds is not a good expression. JARVIS’ program recognizes the man’s face while he’s looking out of a window, with two kids on his sides, a second before the hose blows up.

Tony doesn’t feel the shouting people all around, JARVIS cuts off the audio, nor can he smell the smoke and stuffy scent of burning wood and flesh; he just stands there, staring.

The debris falls all around, people scrambling to avoid it; the few short seconds feel like ages.

‘No survivors,’ JARVIS says tonelessly. ‘The last incomplete scan indicated seven people inside,’ he adds, knowing that Tony appreciates the honesty.

He thinks the people might be cheering, despite the explosion, or maybe because of the explosion; they’ve been terrorized for so long and Iron Man has just cleaned up and made sure they are safe, the cost of that feeling is probably much lower than it would have been in any other intervention. To them.

JARVIS salutes and thanks them and then Tony takes over, still mostly numb, and makes his way to where the remaining weapons are and blows them up from afar, observing the ball of fire with satisfaction, hoping the blinding explosion can wipe out the kid’s smiling face form his mind.

‘I will inform HQ that you will be there soon.’

‘Do that,’ Tony mutters. It would be cowardice and sulking to run away from this mistake. Even if it was mostly unavoidable. He knows he did his best. That isn’t enough.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to skip the debrief?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well then,’ JARVIS agrees and takes over the suit navigation.

Tony doesn’t let JARVIS speak at the debrief. He makes sure everyone he tranquilized is taken care of and then it’s done, he makes his way back across the ocean, the exhaustion catching up with him suddenly. He shouldn’t be surprised, really. He dozes off in the suit, trusting J to get him home safely.

It’s just after sunset when he lands in the New York apartment. Happy is sitting by his desk, making origami something resembling a stegosaurus.

‘C’mere,’ he mutters and stands up when the armor unwraps from around Tony’s body, and then pulls Tony into a firm hug.

‘J, you traitor,’ Tony breathes without conviction, sinking into the embrace and closing his eyes.

‘You were amazing,’ Happy adds with fierce conviction that is almost enough to persuade Tony.

‘Did J narrate the whole thing for you?’

‘I refuse to comment, sir.’

‘ _Traitors_ ,’ Tony mutters stubbornly into Happy’s clothes.

‘About that,’ Happy clears his throat, ‘ _he_ insisted he needed to talk to you.’

‘He?’ Tony questions, his eyes snapping open, and he looks around frantically.

‘Good evening, my friend,’ Thor says, Tony spots him a split of a second later; he’s standing by the big window, looking out on a mist-covered nightscape. ‘It is good to see you.’

‘I’ll leave you two,’ Happy says and disappears a moment later. Tony sighs and sits down, letting himself sink into an armchair.

‘You speak,’ Thor observes simply, but doesn’t sound surprised or betrayed or anything like that; he is just simply stating the truth. There is no point in denying, Tony decides. He’s far too tired for any of this.

‘You are in New York,’ he says instead.

‘I knew it was a somehow unfortunate mission for you, Iron Man. Natasha told me of it. And Steven isn’t here to offer you comfort, so I flew to help you.’

‘You flew here from Australia to… offer me comfort?’ Tony repeats, bewildered. He still can’t see Thor’s face but his voice is perfectly serious. ‘That’s – you didn’t have to. I don’t need comfort and if I did, there is Happy and my friends and –’

‘Sometimes it’s best to be with someone who understands and can offer an outsider’s perspective.’

 _Oh_ , Tony thinks.

‘It must be difficult for everyone who is around you all the time. Not your fault, my friend, and I am sure you realize that, but you are wise enough to be aware of that.’

Thor is too damn observant for his own good.

‘Your invisible friend informed me that you enjoy the peacefulness of your solitary fort,’ Thor says, turning around finally, and gesturing at the pile of blankets in the corner of the room.

‘Oh,’ Tony verbalizes, looking between his nest and Thor. The god smiles and it, somehow, makes Tony feel a tad better. ‘Okay.’

He makes his way to the fort, sitting down cross-legged, and Thor joins him quickly, setting Mjölnir down on the floor. Just a moment later Dummy rolls by reluctantly, as if he were distrustful of Thor for some reason – maybe it’s the unscientific electricity-controlling artifact, Tony wonders – and presents a tray with two big mugs.

‘You need sustenance, sir. The usual shake,’ he says, his voice smug especially when he pronounces _sustenance_ to Thor’s delight.

They spend some time talking about everything and nothing; Thor doesn’t mention Tony’s apparently ability to speak again. They cover all subjects from Asgardian science and the portal deal to Thor’s favorite food. Tony finds it relieving how easy it is to lose himself in the conversation and push the flashes of today away; he’ll have enough of them later, anyway. Probably.

‘I’m scared,’ he finds himself saying sleepily at some point. He hasn’t really slept in three nights and his body just isn’t able to keep up with that, he might be sleeping into a sleep of pure exhaustion.

‘I understand.’

‘D’you ever get scared of dyin’?’

‘Sometimes, my friend,’ Thor says, wrapping his arm around Tony’s shoulder slowly and sneakily over the next moments of pause, and Tony lets him. Thor’s body is as warm as Steve’s. ‘Are you scared because it’s unknown?’

‘I don’t even know anymore.’

‘And you don’t talk about it with anyone.’

‘Haven’t. Recently.’

‘Hmm,’ Thor mutters in his deep voice, bringing Tony closer to him. ‘You’ll be fine tonight. Do not worry. For one night.’

‘There’re trained people I could talk about _it_ with,’ Tony informs Thor without a good reason, it just feels like a point to make. He doesn’t need to rely on Thor to have this deep talk.

Thor doesn’t seem to care.

‘Just relax,’ he says. ‘I came over here for you because I wanted, friend. Because you’re worth it. And because I don’t want you to be scared tonight.’

‘You’re too good,’ Tony mutters. He knows he’s just gonna fall asleep any moment now.

‘Rest,’ Thor whispers above his head, and he gives in.

He wakes up a few times at night, sweating, with a silent scream at the memories of faces he’d rather forget, but each time Thor helps him calm down his breathing and whispers into the darkness that it’s fine to mourn all the dead, and Tony lets himself believe in that.

The last time he wakes up, it’s just dawning and he is in his own bedroom, Thor nowhere to be seen, Happy solving Sudoku sitting on the floor in a puddle of sunlight, and he isn’t sure the night was real or just a phantom of his exhausted mind.

 

 

Steve is back later in the afternoon. He enters the house when Tony is doing yet another test of the brainwave-reading device with Happy, both giggling with sleep deprivation. Steve kisses Tony, holds him tightly for a long moment, and then announces that he has a talk with Fury on their way back.

‘What about?’ Tony frowns, giving J a sign to save the data for today and analyze it.

‘Us.’

‘Us?’

‘Captain America and Iron Man, that is. And Nate.’

‘Sounds complicated.’

‘You tell me,’ Steve chuckles. ‘Anyway, I told him we’re taking some time off. Me and you. No missions unless it’s _literally_ world-saving, other than that he’s on his own with the rest of the team.’

‘That’s – isn’t that irresponsible? We’re superheroes, we can’t –’

‘But we can. And we will,’ Steve cuts in. ‘You need rest. I want rest. We’ve been on their call for months and months. We’re superheroes, sure, but we’re people, too.’

‘Fury would disagree.’

‘You have no idea,’ Steve sighs; Tony is pretty sure he can imagine.

‘So what we’re gonna do?’

‘Everything. Nothing. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.’

Then it all clicks and Tony smiles widely and laughs at Steve’s wondering face.

‘You liked Berlin. You haven’t been anywhere unless on a mission. We’re going for a round-the-world trip. You can’t say no and if you do, I’ll tell you it’s one of those wishes you wanted me to make, a world trip, and you will have to oblige, and you won’t like me mentioning dying and stuff so you better agree straight away,’ he frowns, considering, and then adds, ‘especially since you came up with the holiday-ish idea.’

‘All right,’ Steve agrees fondly, ‘let’s go around the world, when do you –’

‘I’m organizing a flight to Narita International, Tokyo,’ JARVIS announces simply. Tony can’t help laughing; it’s so easy to know when your A.I. approves. ‘For tomorrow morning, 600 hrs. We can make further arrangements later.’

‘ _Organizing_?’ Steve mouths.

‘The newest generation of Stark Jets flies almost twice as fast as commercial flights.’

‘Thanks, J, baby,’ Tony says, and then, ‘call Doc about everything I will and might need.’

‘World trip,’ Happy quips in from across the room, the wired band now gone from his head. ‘That’s a cliché, boss. Such a cliché.’

‘I am allowed to be cliché, aren’t I?’ Tony questions no one in particular, but everyone seems to agree. ‘C’mon then, Steve. We need to pack,’ he says and Steve follows him into the bedroom.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words greatly appreciated, more appreciated than you imagine I daresay, and thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed. Just one more chapter of this part to go! ;)


	8. bonus II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, not a real chapter. Sorry ;) I thought you might enjoy one more bunus while I work in the last chapter.

‘Colonel Rhodes,’ JARVIS speaks up – Rhodey’s never managed to persuade the A.I. to call him something more sensible – with a hint of concert in his voice. Rhodey looks up from the screen.

‘Yes, J?’

‘Thor is by the door, asking to be let inside.’

‘Thor,’ Rhodey repeats and takes a long breath. ‘ _Thor_?’

‘Indeed.’

‘Do you know why he’s here? No scratch that, he’s here for Tony, obviously – do you know what exactly he’s on about?’ Rhodey questions, waving at JARVIS to save the data on the screen. ‘And what his deal with Tony is?’

‘His deal with Nate, more likely,’ JARVIS corrects him. ‘He has not mentioned his plans of visiting Nate, I take it must have been a decision made on impulse. He knows Nate Rives is Iron Man and he knows Sir is dying.’

‘Oh,’ Rhodey breathes.

‘It is apparently an Asgardian ability, to be able to tell someone’s physical condition. Also, he came all the way from Australia after the last mission to comfort Sir.’

That was only yesterday, Rhodey realizes. He was a few states away on a short delegation when Tony flew out for his op and he couldn’t cut it short and rush back straight after he heard what happened from JARVIS; he still feels incredibly guilty about this. But at least someone was there for Tony, damn it. He came back as soon as he could but Steve and Tony already left for Japan, so Rhodey ended up squatting in Tony’s workshop.

Everything in here screams of Tony, and JARVIS understands everything, and that’s the exact combination Rhodey seems to need right now.

‘So, he wants to…?’

‘It is my understanding that he is just distressed and concerned, and he has questions no one can answer, Colonel Rhodes. Sir seems to have that effect on people.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Rhodey mutters, standing up and stretching his back like a cat. ‘I guess you can invite him inside, we could talk – he might be the only person on the Earth that doesn’t know the connection between Tony Stark and me, right?’

‘Indeed,’ JARVIS agrees and when Rhodey walks into the living room, Thor is just closing the door behind himself.

 

*

 

‘Not that I am jealous or something,’ Clint says, rubbing his jaw absentmindedly, ‘but we couldn’t get a weekend off for our _honeymoon_ , and Steve can take a couple of weeks off just like that, because he wants to spend some time with his boyfriend? That’s so not fair.’

‘Maybe you’re indispensable and Captain America is not,’ Phil muses, giving Clint an amused look.

‘No, Phil, honestly?’

‘Honestly…?’

‘Tell me that doesn’t worry you at all.’

Phil says nothing.

 

*

 

‘This is astonishing,’ the doctor says,  staring at the images wide-eyed.

‘I have never seen anything like this before, and I’ve been all around the world looking at all the newest inventions. The details – the accuracy – the software –’

‘I know,’ the man breathes in wonder. ‘You can pick out any change almost as soon as it appears, and you won’t miss it because of the analytic program… did you mention it’s _cheap_ , or did I imagine that?’

‘Well,’ the other doctor mutters, looking through a thick pile of papers on his hands, ‘the machine is a prototype, _damn in_ , a prototype! So it’s not priced. I’d wager it’s extremely expensive, the thing itself – but it has an internal power source. There’s a brief explanation. You – it’ll work even when the power’s off.’

‘Impossible,’ a third voice cuts in and a tall woman walks into the room, tying her hair back.

‘We… I was so distracted I didn’t think about it,’ the first man admits sheepishly, ‘but I didn’t ask about the power connection. And it just – doesn’t seem to have any. At all. Look around.’

They all do, and indeed, the machine is just standing in the middle of the hospital’s room, shining innocently and looking small in the big white space.

‘Impossible,’ the woman repeats, but this time it’s more of a wonder than disbelief.

‘A cost of one full body scan is just a quarter of the cheapest we can do in our hospitals right now,’ the second man reads out from the papers with a frown. ‘Who the hell is the man who designed this? _Why_ hasn’t anyone made something like this before?’

‘It’s that Rives guy,’ the first doctor replies, walking around the machine in slow steps. ‘You must have heard about him? He’s designed a few neat things over the last couple of years, both by himself and with a team.’

‘I think this is a note from him,’ the woman points out, looking over the other doctor’s shoulder; then narrows her eyes at the words. ‘… _it will be no use for me anymore_ – wait, so he constructed _this_ for his personal use? – _unless I wanted to go insane with having the possibility of observing my body every second of every day, with never-ending terror. Make good use of it._ What does that mean?’

‘Imagine you built something like this, and had it at your hand, and it could point out all cancerous cells to you – wouldn’t you be tempted to check as often as possible? Just in case?’

‘I probably would,’ the woman admits, and moves her eyes back to stare at the machine. ‘We will make a good use of it.’

‘The other document says they will start producing them commercially and selling them in a few months…’

‘Few months,’ the first doctor sighs. ‘Can’t wait.’

 

*

 

‘Vacation?’ Natasha mutters to herself, almost inaudibly, as she drives her bike. It’s probably not a good idea, getting through the Australian desert this way, because there isn’t anyone to catch her in case she’s not – _not feeling well_. But all she ever does is keep challenging herself. ‘Avengers don’t do vacation…’

Her words melt into the murmur of the air she’s cutting through at crazy speed. She’s been doing recon for the last few hours and it’s finally time to go back to the base and share everything she’s seen with Jane and the Australian scientists.

She wanted to talk to Steve just before she left – it still feels strange how they became friends between one mission and another, even if they had being out of time in common – and he told her she’s just leaving for _vacation_  with Nate, voluntarily leaving the Avengers job for a few weeks. That is completely unlike the Steve she thought she knew.

There must be a reason to it, she thinks, ignoring the too dry air in her lungs and the sun warming her black clothes and making them cling to her sweaty body.

Steve has changed since he got together with Nate and especially since he moved out; he seems more focused, more intense in every possible way, she can’t find a better word to describe it, and he seems happier and – angrier, all at the same time. There must be something going on, something more than just _romance_.

The answer has to be linked to Nate and Nate is someone Natasha can’t solve.

‘I hope you won’t hurt Steve, for your own sake,’ she murmurs into the helmet and rides on.

 

*

 

‘You’re just a kid,’ Bruce says with a frown. Peter scowls. ‘I know, you are a grown man – but _barely_. And you haven’t told me everything, but it’s not difficult to guess you’ve been through some rough things as kid.’

‘All of us were,’ Peter points out rightfully.

‘I know. I just want to make sure – wait, how do you know about Iron Man’s childhood? Or are you just guessing?’

‘I –’ Peter stumbles, trying to come up with an explanation quickly enough, he can’t just say he’s been observing Nate closely since he learned the man is Iron Man. He might not look like it, especially between his jokes and silly attitude, but he can be damn observant.

And the way both of them, both Nate and Iron Man, accepted the idea of the team as their one and only family, it definitely says something about their childhood and attachment issues and all that emotional stuff. Peter isn’t good at putting those things into words, but he _knows_ things.

‘Never mind,’ Bruce says and Peter shakes his head, wondering how long was his pause and how much Bruce could read from it. ‘So you know that Nate asked me to tutor this boy from the group home he’s been visiting…’ Bruce starts and Peter lets him talk, following half a step behind, half-listening and half-wondering if he’ll find an answer, visiting the place himself, to why someone who can be a superhero and a mad scientist in one still bothers to make an effort to play with kids.

Peter wishes he knew _everything_ in the world.

 

*

 

‘Director, we think Captain Roger’s skills would be very useful to the mission –’

‘No,’ Fury replies, with the tiniest hint of tiredness in his voice.

‘Director, please consider –’

‘No,’ Fury repeats, still not looking up. ‘Captain America is out of the fucking America. On vacation. You will know when he’s back and available.’

‘Excuse me, Director, but – _vacation_?’

‘If you continue to question me, Brown, I’ll make sure you spend the next three years in the North Pole. We have a free cubicle,’ he replies, scowling angrily, because he can’t really say _well I have no idea how that happened either, and I would very much like to know, too._

‘Of course, Director. Sorry, sir,’ the man scrambles out of the room and then the doors close, Fury puts fingers to his temples and massages them slowly. He’s got too damn much on his mind to worry about those two idiots but he can’t stop thinking about that. Fucking vacation, honestly.

And Hermes won’t spill a thing about what’s going on.

‘Scout’s honor,’ he keeps repeating like a broken record. 

Sometimes Fury dreams about taking an age-long vacation himself.

 

*

 

‘Is he going to be fine? It can be so taxing, flying around every damn day –’

‘You’re a doctor yourself, don’t ask me silly questions,’ Levy rolls her eyes, pouring them both coffee. ‘You know there is only so much we can predict.’

‘He didn’t ask you to lie to him, did he?’

‘No –’

‘Because I wouldn’t be that surprised,’ Doc finishes, taking the warm mug in his hands and nodding at Levy thankfully. ‘It’s not beyond him – or maybe it wouldn’t have been beyond him some time ago. Some months ago, before all of this happened. He’s changed.’

‘He always seemed the same to me, and he still does.’

‘Oh?’

‘Maybe he’s always been who he lets himself be now, but he was hiding it. You can’t be _just_ _a_ _man_ when your surname is Stark, I guess.’

‘Still,’ Doc sighs and takes a sip of the hot drink. ‘So, you think…?’

‘He’s been feeling well recently,’ Levy says, keeping her voice warm and reassuring, the way she talks to her patients and their families; Doc surely knows the trick, but he seems to fall for it willingly. ‘They will be fine, don’t be overprotective, it’s doesn’t suit you – and it’s easy to get to them, if something happened. Just a few hours.’

‘That could be too long,’ Doc points out, perfectly aware that he should leave it, and just then his phone ping, signaling a text message. ‘ _Good that I am there, too, in case something happened, Doctor. Sir does not know_ ,’ he reads out JARVIS’ message. It doesn’t surprise him at all that the A.I. has been eavesdropping.

‘You see, he’ll be fine,’ Levy says, looking at Doc with a small smile. ‘Let him be happy.’

There is an unsaid half of the sentence hanging in the air between them, but Doc ignores it and just nods at Levy.

They finish the coffee in silence.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Maybe you enjoyed this little piece.


	9. VII

 

Steve is fascinated with Tokyo, Tony notes with amusement. He’s been in 21st century for well over a year now but Japan can confuse most of people who don’t look at the world with outdated expectations, not to mention a good-natured, idealistic, and thoroughly American man.

‘I don’t understand, is this what we’re going to do all day?’ Steve asks after two hours of wandering through the streets of the monster city; they are lucky it’s sunny, otherwise this would feel overwhelming and slightly scary rather than pleasant. His eyes are following the strangely dresses young people with wonder.

‘What, walk around and get street food? Why not,’ Tony teases and drags Steve across the street to get something form the crowded food stand; hedoesn’t know what they sell, but all these people are an indication it’s something good.

‘Well, yes, why not,’ Steve agrees; Tony suspects Steve would agree to anything to see Tony eating, which is equally sweet and disturbing.

It turns out to be fried octopus with a strange-tasting sauce, truly delicious, but Tony doesn’t feel like visiting anymore food places, so he stops playing around and they take metro to Meiji Shrine and then to Rikugien garden which Steve loves.

They barely speak for hours, simply holding hands, and it’s enough.

 

 

They fly to Hong Kong the next morning, and then to India.

The plane is operated by Stark Industries employees who take care of all the formalities, men who ask no questions and would never dare to ask questions when Pepper told him not to. It’s just the two pilots and two stewards and Tony and Steve onboard.

‘This is strange,’ Steve says when the stewards disappear as soon as they are clear after the take-off on the way to Tahiti; Steve needs to have a tropical island experience, JARVIS must have thought.

‘Why?’

‘Just this – everything is possible.’

Tony nods.

‘I haven’t been missing this as much as I would have expected before I gave it up,’ he says after a moment of silence. ‘It may be convenient, but staying home is nicer.’

‘Did Tony Stark never get realize that?’

‘Tony Stark,’ Tony says, looking out of the window, the clouds underneath look like a fluffy cartoonish blanket, ‘never really had a home.’

‘Then he was a sad man,’ Steve concludes, not expecting an answer, and moves closer to Tony, following his gaze outside. They are both blinded by the sun when the plane turns, and they laugh at that.

 

 

Moscow is next and Steve has tips from Natasha, who’s been urging him to visit the city outside of missions. It’s the end of July so the continental heat is overwhelming, forcing them to drink cold water all the time, and making their steps more tiring than usually.

They still hold hands and no one bats an eye. Not that they would care if someone did.

‘Everything here is built to be impressive and monumental, in a way we hardly ever do nowadays,’ Steve comments, staring at the Kremlin’s walls and then turning around to Lenin’s Tomb. ‘In a way, I understand that. Even if it isn’t great by today’s standard, because we’re so much more advanced, it still makes you hold your breath.’

‘Wait till you see Rome,’ Tony mutters.

They spend the night in a gold-decorated hotel; the silk sheets feel cold and strange against Tony’s skin.

 

 

They go to South America through Egypt.

Egypt is impressive and hot and they don’t hold hands, but they walk close enough to feel each other’s body. Tony refuses to speak Arabic and Steve doesn’t ask why, he can guess well enough.

Everywhere is crowded and full of colors and scents and they make Tony feel sick, but it gets better after he swallows one of his meds when Steve’s not looking, and then he smiles widely and drags Steve to see the Pyramids.

Fury tries to contact them when they are halfway across the Atlantic, JARVIS cuts the connection off a second later.

JARVIS decided on Machu Picchu which isn’t that surprising since the plan is to see as many amazing things as possible. Steve thinks helicopter is a bit too much so they take the train and then the bus, and walk the last two kilometers on their feet among a crowd of colorfully dressed tourists.

They don’t have guidebooks or hiking shoes and don’t take pictures at every turn so they don’t fit in the crowd perfectly, but it only makes them smirk.

‘JARVIS could take a picture of us standing here with one of the satellite cameras he has access to,’ Tony laughs a few minutes in the walk, ignoring how difficult it is to march and breathe and speak at the same time; the tightness in his chest is expected but still annoying.

‘Could he?’

‘Wait,’ Tony promises.

It’s only two kilometers to get to the ruins but it’s a very long two kilometers, especially when Tony is playing his game and acting very carefully; Steve is so happy to be here, and so… carefree.

‘Now,’ Tony tells Steve when they are in the middle ruins, wide-eyed and thoroughly impressed, and then he kisses Steve and looks up at the sky and Steve does, too, probably wondering what Tony saw up there, and a moment later Tony’s phone buzzes.

‘Look,’ he shows Steve the picture, it is indeed them with heads turned upwards, Tony smiling and Steve frowning a bit, in a resolution as perfect as anyone could hope for. ‘That’s so romantic, J,’ Tony mutters, knowing that the A.I. can hear him.

Walking back and down isn’t easier than the other way round, Tony discovers unhappily; maybe it’s just because he’s tired and his body isn’t getting enough oxygen this high in the mountains. But it’s easy to ignore it and smile; that’s something Tony’s always been good at.

 

 

They see Rio and then stop for three nights in Bahamas, almost too close to the USA, but impressive enough to be worth it. Tony is pretty sure the initial plan was different, but JARVIS is too smart for his own good.

There is a private beach, a luxury which Steve doesn’t question because while he sees Tony every day after shower or changing clothes and he could never forget about the arc reactor; it’s too dangerous to have anyone question it.

‘It’s so quiet and blissful here,’ Steve mumbles when they’re sitting in shade, drinking cold fruity cocktails, and the wind howls.

‘Mhm,’ Tony mutters in agreement, having magically managed to clear his mind and stop his thoughts from overwhelming him in a breathtaking way, and doesn’t say _, I wish it could stay like this forever_.

He’d get bored to death in a week, he knows well enough, but it’s a lovely image, spending the rest of his life on a tropical island, just like everyone in the world would expect of Tony Stark. It’s just so far away from everything. They could pretend nothing out of the island even exists.

That is being a coward, though.

‘This is a nice image to have in your mind,’ he says, breaking the silence, ‘you know, palm trees and blue water and everything.’

‘Nice image?’ Steve repeats carefully, giving Tony a look.

‘Yeah, you know, I could have J recreate it in 3D holograms, like he did that forest thing, when I feel like enjoying all this again,’ Tony explains, waving at the general surroundings.

‘I guess so,’ Steve sound reluctant, as if what Tony’s saying was suspicious.

Maybe it is. It definitely is because then he finds himself adding, ‘You know, when I’m bedridden and dying and all that.’

Death seems impossible in this vibrant sunlight.

‘Tony!’ Steve exclaims, putting his cocktail away and turns to look at Tony, ‘don’t say things like that,’ he adds in a low, almost dangerous voice. Tony looks away.

‘Sorry, bad timing, I know, we’ve been enjoying ourselves and all and I’m breaking the spirit –’

‘No, don’t every talk like that –’

‘It’s the truth, Steve.’

‘You don’t have to –’

‘Steve,’ Tony cuts in, closes his eyes and swallows. Steve waits patiently. ‘Maybe I need to.’

‘Oh,’ Steve breathes, and then, ‘I – okay. Sorry. I didn’t think…’

‘I didn’t either, but maybe it’ll feel less scary if I do,’ Tony says, standing up, and walks through the hot sand to stand at the edge of the waves, the water delicately tickling his feet. The ocean seems so surreally different from Malibu and from those few times he’s been contemplating it since the whole cancer thing started. Everything feels like a lie.

‘I’ve got you,’ Steve says, suddenly behind Tony, almost making him flinch, and then he wraps his arms around Tony’s waist protectively and rest his head against Tony’s, and they stay like that for too long.

 

 

The next stop is Greece and Steve loves it.

Tony loves it, too, but it’s hard to really put his mind to sightseeing and enjoying himself when he has to sneak away from Steve here and there, trying to calm down his breaths or dig out one of his pills and nothing can feel fine when he finally gives in and takes the painkillers. Maybe it’s silly, how stubborn he is in resisting, but as long as he feels like he’s in control of the pain, of his body, it’s good.

The doctors say cancer patients should be given all aid they require and never hesitate to fight the pain and it’s logical, it appeals to the logical part of Tony’s mind perfectly, but he still hates it.

He smiles when Steve talks enthusiastically about Greek art and smiles when Steve takes his hand and smiles when they sit in the most cliché blue-and-white tavern by the seaside, with a view of sunset, and he smiles when Steve hugs him close when they go to sleep; it almost makes things better.

They stay there for three nights and take a ferry to Brindisi and then fly to Rome with the plane that’s been waiting for them. Steve loves Rome even more than Greece, he’s only ever seen northern parts of Italy and barely anything but army camps, all those years ago.

It’s not a good start of the stay, though, when Tony tiptoes out of the apartment in the morning to get some pastries for breakfast and ends up in a café toilet, throwing up and hurting all over. When he finally manages to drag himself up and wash his face a bit, he makes a point of not looking in the mirror, he can very well guess how he must look by how he’s feeling.

When he goes back to the café, the waitress just gives him a look and rushes to help him to the table which is completely unnecessary. She brings him a glass of blissfully cold water and sits in the other chair.

‘Are you okay?’ she asks in Italian and Tony mentally thanks his mother for teaching him the language when he was a kid. ‘Can I do anything for you?’

‘I’ll be fine, thank you,’ he replies; she doesn’t seem surprised by his fluency and perfect accent; between his adequate clothes and Nate’s physical appearance, he could pass for one of the Roman citizens easily. ‘Could I have two of the cream pastries?’ he asks and she narrows her eyes for a moment but then nods and stands up to get them, and Tony takes out the pouch with emergency medicine he always has on him and swallows a fine selection of the pills, washing them down with more water.

It takes him a few long minutes to feel almost human.

He gets up slowly, to make sure he doesn’t get dizzy, and walks up to the counter; the girl hands him the paper-wrapped pastries and takes his money.

‘Thank you again,’ Tony says, giving her the best smile he can muster, ‘goodbye.’

‘Take care,’ she replies; Tony feels her eyes on him until he disappears outside.

He sneaks into the house and into the bed and wakes Steve up with kisses, determined not to let his silly problems ruin the trip; they might not get a chance again. They probably won’t.

‘What’s up with you,’ Steve mutters into Tony’s neck, the words a laced with sleep.

‘Went to get us some pastries,’ Tony replies, ‘I’ll make some coffee and we’ll have perfect Italian breakfast –’

‘Tea,’ Steve cuts in and Tony nods.

‘Oh, if you insist,’ he agrees and leads Steve to the kitchen.

Rome filtered through almost-real smiles and the irrational numbness after the pain meds is different from what Tony remembers; none of it matters, though, because the biggest change is not being alone.

Tony still finds it hard to comprehend sometimes.

 

 

The first day in Paris starts pretty much the same way it did in Rome, only that Tony is too tired to hide it perfectly well. Steve doesn’t ask, he just looks slightly unsure, when they are going out after eating croissants in the calmness of the apartment.

Doc made sure Tony would have enough medicine to last him through the whole trip, and there are five more cities in their plans, including London which will remind Steve painfully of Peggy and of all the memories from the past; Tony knows that’s a good kind of ache, though, when you’re at peace with it.

‘Louvre?’ he asks Steve when they get out of Notre Dame; it’s a nice walk through the sunny and surprisingly green city.

‘Do you mind…?’

‘If you tell me about the art, I don’t,’ Tony assures him, ‘before, I’ve always just _had_ things. I never really looked at them, I had Pepper for that, so maybe it’d be refreshing, to actually know what’s going on. I trust you to tell me what’s going on, I know you’ve been reading all these art books and then most of the exhibits in Louvre are from before _your_ times…’ he rambles on because it’s easy and it’s a distraction to them both and that’s what Tony needs.

They make their way to the museum through tourist-filled streets, taking in the scents and sights and all of the slightly overwhelming amount of _everything_.

Tony clings to Steve closely and Steve lets him.

Louvre is too big to see everything in one go without rushing, so Steve leads them to what he thing is the most interesting and describes everything to the best of his ability in hushed voice, hovering over Tony’s shorter figure slightly, as if he was afraid someone would scold him if he dared to speak in his normal voice. Tony has to admit it’s interesting, the way Steve sees art and describes it; the only kind of art Tony’s ever been interested with were Da Vinci’s journals and drawings, for obvious reasons.

When they finally leave the museum it’s evening already. They stop for some food on their way to the apartment and then talk with JARVIS about the plans for the next few days – there’s Barcelona and Berlin and Copenhagen and Vienna on the list, and London at the end which Tony knows Steve is most excited about – and Tony does his best not to fall asleep too soon.

He wakes up to soft shuffling in the bathroom; Steve walks out a few minutes later and steps into the sun-filled room with a smile on his face and a brown bag in his hand.

‘Today I went to get some pastries,’ he says, sitting down at the edge of the bed. ‘Morning, Tony.’

‘Morning,’ Tony replies, sitting up slowly and reaching for his phone to check the time; it’s almost ten, he’s been asleep for _so_ long. Steve doesn’t seem to mind at all – of course he wouldn’t – but Tony hates how much it feels like a waste of time. ‘Coffee?’

‘If you want,’ Steve shrugs and Tony nods vigorously; maybe coffee will help him feel more alive. That would be nice.

After breakfast they take the metro close to Montmartre and decide to walk up the hill and around the small pretty streets; the weather is perfect for being outside, finally with soft breaths of refreshing wind that Tony is unspeakably thankful for. He puts on his sunglasses as soon as they leave the underground station and lets Steve lead, talking about some more or less nonsensical things and enjoying it thoroughly. Steve laughs at Tony’s quick words – it’s something _Nate_ can’t do when they are around people who are supposed to believe he doesn’t speak – and holds his hand tightly, as if he was afraid Tony would get lost in the crowd.

The sun makes everything bright and shiny and reflects in all the windows and surfaces and Tony stops, closes his eyes for a moment, takes a breath, and moves again, giving Steve a smile. Steve is frowning slightly.

‘Let’s go,’ Tony says, wrapping his hand around Steve’s tighter and smiling even wider, and Steve shakes his head and starts walking again.

It’s less than three minutes before Tony knows too well what’s going to happen, he’s familiar with the lights dancing in front of his eyes and the blurriness at the edges of his vision and the feeling of terrifying heaviness in his limbs and tingling all over his skin, all at the same time.

He could still try pretending, but it’s not a game anymore. Not with Steve.

‘Hold me,’ he tells Steve, his own voice sounding raspy and too loud in his head, ‘I feel faint,’ he adds, almost inaudibly but it doesn’t matter because Steve’s hearing is super-sensitive. There is Steve’s strong arm wrapped around his back and supporting him a split of a second later, when Tony feels like his body is melting and he must be pretty much a soft shapeless mass in Steve’s grip but he’s too dizzy and scared to care, the buzzing in his ears blocking out all other noises.

Then all of sudden he’s in Steve’s arms and they are moving, he’s only half aware of what is happening. It’s dark and loud and his body is alien, is a foreign territory, so he tries to focus on breathing and breathing and on the warmth he’s clinging to.

Steve puts him down on something pleasantly cold under Tony’s flushed skin and lifts Tony’s legs – oh, that’s good that Tony can determine where his legs are, that’s some kind of a progress – and he keeps saying words Tony can’t really make out since everything is still too blurred, too acute, too strange, but the voice is enough; it says he’s not alone here. Someone will take care of him.

Breathing is a bit easier when he realizes that, and it slowly, _slowly_ makes the flashes and the buzzing and the lightness go away. He doesn’t know how much time passes, probably not much, but he feels bone-deep exhaustion crawling through is body when he finally opens his eyes, realizing instantly that his sunglasses are gone; the world is sharp and too bright before his eyes get used to the light after a few blinks.

‘I’m okay now,’ he says and Steve bursts out laughing, confusing Tony and probably all of the small crowd surrounding them now. ‘ _Steve_.’

‘You really feeling better?’ Steve asks when he calms down a bit, and then tells the people in proper and accented French that they will be all right on their own and thanks them for their concern, always the perfect person.

‘Yeah,’ Tony says after a heartbeat; it doesn’t mean that he feels well. Or okay. Just better.

Steve notices that detail easily.

‘I’ll get a taxi,’ he says, helping Tony sit up slowly, _slowly_ , and then offering him a bottle of cold water, blissfully refreshing. ‘We’re going to hospital, okay?’

‘Make sure it’s this one,’ Tony mutters, pointing at a name on his phone’s screen. Steve gives him a long questioning look. ‘Doc insisted, just in case, that I have emergency contacts in all the paces we go to. This doctor, she’s an acquaintance of his. He can make her understand about the reactor without saying too much. That’s important.’

‘Ah,’ Steve just says, is if unsure if he should be happy that precautions were taken or scared by someone thinking Tony might need such help.

 

 

Doc video-calls when they get to the hospital and find the right doctor, surely informed by JARVIS about what happened. JARVIS has been strangely silent, Tony notes, but he’s not really feeling up to investigating it right now.

He lets the nurses and the doctor poke him and ask him questions that he knows exact answers to; he types the answers in perfect French and shows them his translated medical history that’s in an electronic file on his tablet and smiles at them when they seem sad about what they see, the words and the numbers Tony is so familiar with by now must be disappointing reality to them.

They recommend Tony to stay in the hospital overnight. When Steve finally manages to persuade him to agree to staying, just in case, Doc insists in talking to Tony _alone._

‘Has anything unusual been happening, kid?’ Doc asks casually, taking a sip of whatever he’s drinking from a cheesy mug, and Tony raises an eyebrow. ‘Oh boy, I can guess if you want me to, since you’ve already told me enough, but I want to hear it from you. That was our agreement, right? You don’t fucking hide things from your doctors. But I’m not gonna judge you for being an idiot and not telling me earlier if something was wrong, you are allowed to do what you want. Your decisions.’

‘That’s very non-judging of you,’ Tony chuckles but tells Doc everything; that’s as responsible as he can be now. Since he already is here, in this too-white room. Doc will just listen and help, he knows.

‘I’d like you to come back and undergo some tests, we need a checkup. All right? I know you went through the whole routine not long ago but those symptoms – we need to make sure we’re doing everything we can.’

‘Do I have to go back now?’ Tony asks, just because, even though he knows the reply.

‘Do you really feel like you could continue your wonder-trip?’ Doc questions in reply and Tony doesn’t have an answer to that.

‘We will give you a transfusion, as your doctor suggests, and keep you for observation overnight, to make sure you will be all right. I’m sorry to keep you here, but this is advisable in your state,’ the French doctor says, lowering her voice a little.

Tony smiles at her easily.

When he’s in _his_ room, with everyone gone, he turns to look at Steve.

‘Sorry for this,’ he says, playing with the cord of the IV line that goes into the crook of his arm, ‘I didn’t want –’

‘Don’t be sorry.’

‘You wanted to go to London so badly,’ Tony replies in a small voice, lying down on the soft pillows.

‘You don’t even have the energy to sit,’ Steve says, pointing out the obvious that doesn’t even hurt because it’s true. ‘I don’t care if we see London or not. There will be other times – I never thought I’d have to tell you that you matter more than all this sightseeing and everything –’

‘I know that,’ Tony cuts in, looking away. Sometimes he wishes he could be a heartless bastard again, but there is no going back. ‘This is not what I wanted you to remember, though,’ he adds, gesturing at the room around them, too clean and too white in a strangely familiar way. ‘This is not how I wanted you to remember me – I thought I could do this, it’s just a trip. Relaxing trip, exclusively comfortable just for my sake, and it means nothing in the end,’ he laughs bitterly, causing Steve to flinch. ‘Just a fucking trip and I can’t manage it,’ he adds, sounding strange because he’s lacking the energy to make the swears fierce, at least. ‘I don’t want to live like this, seeing myself – fail. Deteriorate. Day by day.’

‘Tony –’ Steve starts, but it’s JARVIS who speaks up cutting in Steve’s words.

‘I think you require too much of yourself, like you’ve always had ** _,_** sir. You’ve always wanted to do more than anyone could ever require of you. There are no expectations, that is what Captain Rogers is trying to tell you, and everyone who knows about your situation. There are no expectations anymore. None of that matters now. Please do not concern yourself with those things, sir, we don’t care about them. We want you to feel as well as possible and be able to be happy, sir, and not faking smiles.’

Tony closes his eyes, wondering what exactly JARVIS means by _we_ , if he means the bots or his friends too or maybe Steve and everyone who knows about the cancer too, but in the end it doesn’t make difference.

He falls asleep soon, ignoring the itching feeling and the nausea as well as he can; Steve makes it easier. He always makes the bad things easier.

 

 

It’s morning when they arrive to New York; it still seems to confuse Steve slightly, travelling through so many time zones in such short time. Tony doesn’t have any problems with it since his internal clock has never really worked and doesn’t work now, either.

‘I’d like to admit you for a couple of days, kid,’ Doc says while Levy looks through the medical documentation from Paris.

‘You mean, Doctor Levy wants,’ Tony teases Doc, leaning back in the armchair. Doc rolls his eyes.

‘If we do the tests again, maybe we’ll notice something and we’ll be able to help you somehow, Tony.’

‘Maybe, maybe, maybe,’ he mutters, rubbing the arc reactor mindlessly. ‘All right,’ he adds and then turns to Steve, ‘but you go home. Tell them whatever you want about why you’re back early, I’m too busy to come over or something. We missed some team meetings, including yesterday’s, you can as well go to training on Sunday – Iron Man will be there.’

‘Tony –’

‘Please,’ Tony says, looking up. ‘Come in the evening or whatever. It’ll make me feel better, knowing that you’re not wasting time because of me.’

‘ _Tony –_ ’

‘Please,’ Tony repeats and Steve stares at him for a long moment before he nods, walks up to kiss him, and leaves the room. Doc clears his throat.

‘We need you to drop Nate’s disguise for a bit to check for signs of jaundice that could be hidden when you’re _him_ ,’ Doc says, standing up from his chair, ‘I’ll make sure no one but us enters the room for the time being. I’ll let Happy know – yes, I know, JARVIS already did, but whatever. I will anyway. Questions?’

‘Not yet,’ Tony stands up too, his moves slower and sharper than usual, and he walks behind Doc to a one-person room he knows too well.

‘And if I see you holding back on your pain meds unnecessarily, for whatever reason, under _my watch_ , I will be very annoyed with you,’ Doc adds when he’s about to leave the room a few minutes later. ‘Very annoyed.’

Tony just shakes his head.

 

 

‘There is a part of the tumor that is starting to obstruct the bile duct,’ Levy says, pointing at something mostly incomprehensible on the scan, ‘we noticed minimal discoloration to your eyes, only because we looked hard for it. While the jaundice doesn’t present in any other way yet, it will within a few day or a couple of weeks, it’s hard to say, but I’d advise a treatment before it starts to be a problem.’

‘Obviously,’ Doc adds, shifting in his seat.

‘So, what is it?’ Tony asks, wrapping his arms around his abdomen and pretending not to know; JARVIS told him about every option months ago.

‘We’ll put a stent that will allow easy flow of bile. It’s a standard procedure, requires a surgery but isn’t a serious thing, so you don’t need to worry. Something like this was likely to happen from the beginning, but waiting until it’s absolutely necessary is the best way to go, since the stent might require replacement after a few months and keeping surgeries to minimum is important.’

‘Makes perfect sense,’ Tony agrees, shivering slightly. The last time they _opened_ him, it was back that December, months ago. Before he knew. Before they all knew. Not a good memory.

‘We’ll hold back a week with your radiation course, too, to let your body heal a bit.’

‘All right.’

‘We’ll do the surgery first thing tomorrow morning –’ Levy stops, looking at Doc, who nods.

‘And Happy is on his way. If you didn’t know already,’ he adds and walks up to Tony, holding out his hand, ‘let’s get some food and water into you while you can still eat, no dinner for you tonight, I’m afraid.’

‘I think I’ll live,’ Tony chuckles and takes Doc’s hand. Disguise back in place, they can walk through the clinic to get the food.

 

 

The first thing Tony feels when he wakes up after the surgery is tingling where they must have cut through his skin, and then he hears Happy’s voice, chatting on the phone with – Pepper, he determines after a few sentences. Definitely Pepper.

‘Morning,’ he rasps out and opens his eyes, slowly, and Happy is hovering right over him by the time his eyes adjust to the sunlight.

‘It’s half past one, boss, _afternoon_ , try to keep up,’ Happy rolls his eyes with a smile.

‘Excuse me then,’ Tony replies, shifting slightly and making notes of all the things he’s wired to, just for further reference. He feels tired and numb in a strangely nice way, for once.

‘Everything went all right, if you’re wondering. Now you’ve got just a little bit more metal in your body, makes little difference, huh?’ Happy nods to himself, ‘Cap will be around in a few hours, he texted you – or me or JARVIS, hard to tell this one – apparently you were back right in time for Fury’s little revelations and there might be a mission cooking up, or whatever. Something with those guys you’ve been all circling around for the past months.’

‘The portals?’

‘Yeah, that,’ Happy nods, holding out a bowl of ice chips and Tony takes a few thankfully, they feel so amazing in his dry mouth. ‘But it’s no urgent news. Now you rest.’

‘You’re gonna be a rest nazi, too?’ Tony rolls his eyes, or rather tries to roll his eyes, but it’s easier to close them and slowly drift back to sleep.

 

 

Steve comes over in the evening and disappears in the morning for the team training, leaving Tony with Doc and Happy. Tony falls asleep for the most of the day and it feels like no time before Steve’s back.

The next few days are all this: Steve leavening, Tony sleeping and recovering and pretending to work while letting JARVIS do it for him, and then Steve coming back.

‘When will you finally let me home?’ Tony whines when Doc comes to change the dressing of the sutures; it’s been a few days now, all tests done, another transfusion done, blood work as good as can be expected, and Tony is itching to leave this place.

‘In a couple of days. Soon,’ Doc promises, sighing theatrically. ‘You’re the impatient one, aren’t you?’

‘Just want to go home. And I had a phone call…’

‘Phone call?’

‘For Nate. Regarding his work. There are people whose life I could save, maybe, you know? With all the things _Nate’s_ been working on, and I had a call from a group of doctors with loads of questions and suggestions and I really need to go to my workshop and do some tinkering –’

‘The only life you should think about now is your own,’ Doc says firmly as he finishes securing the dressing and lets Tony’s shirt down. ‘And don’t pretend JARVIS is not on it, we both know how things go here.’

He puts all the wrappings and meds back on a tray and stands up to leave, shuffling his feet.

‘I just need to _make_ –’

‘I know, kid, I know. I know you,’ Doc assures him, winks at him, and leaves.

‘Will you have everything ready for when I am back, J?’ Tony asks, knowing very well that JARVIS will, but when JARVIS assures him that indeed, the workshop will be ready, it just makes Tony feel better because it’s a promise of being back to normal life. As much as he can hope for.

 

 

When Tony finally gets home, he spends a full day in the ‘shop, perfectly aware that it’s a bit obsessive. _A bit_. But he’s been itching to put his hands on metal and plastic and tangle his fingers with wires, so _so_ much.

Steve spends the day at SHIELD and the night with Tony, but then Tony wakes up at twenty-seven past five in the morning, Steve is not there. That’s unexpected.

‘JARVIS?’ he questions, the word rounded and slightly slurry, as he sits up and rubs his eyes. Sunrise light in sneaking in the room, coloring it pale pink and yellow and making it look unfamiliarly warm.

‘Captain Rogers left home approximately an hour ago, sir,’ JARVIS replies tonelessly, more quietly than his usual voice, and Tony shivers.

‘J, what’s happened? Why am I asleep if something’s happened? Why didn’t Steve –’

‘You need rest, sir,’ JARVIS replies firmly, and then pauses for a fraction of a second. ‘There has been a breakthrough in the SHIELD mission, Agents Walbert and McShea have escaped the hostile facility with data but the rest of it and all the tech was destroyed when the facility blew up –’

‘ _Blew up_.’

‘Apparently the _bad guys_ , to quote you, sir, do not care for their people more than they care for the security of their research. The explosion and following fires prevented us from examining their research –’

‘In other words, we still know nothing,’ Tony sighs and swings his legs down the bed. ‘So, why is Steve there? Is it just him – or everyone?’

‘Iron Man is there too, sir. I apologize for not asking for your permission –’

‘You don’t have to,’ Tony interjects quickly, looking around trying to locate his clothes; the room is unusually messy; Steve must have left in hurry. ‘So what’s going on now?’

‘Iron Man and Thor are securing the agents as they are making their way to the nearest SHIELD facility, while the rest of present Avengers are engaged in a fight –’

‘Fight? Wait, _fight_? With…?’

JARVIS seems to hesitate for a shortest moment, and then replies, ‘The fires were not the only thing we encountered at the facility site. There seems to be a portal of sorts, too, and I believe Hermes mentioned it being called _a goodbye gift_ by someone who contacted Director Fury soon after SHIELD dispatched units to go to the site.’

Tony closes his eyes, takes a breath, and stands up.

Moving hurts.

‘Sir?’

Taking steps hurts.

‘Sir?’ JARVIS asks again and Tony shakes his head slightly, exhaling. Opens his eyes. ‘Shall I call Mister Hogan?’

Tony shakes his head again, breathes again, and makes his way to the bathroom. His bones hurt inside his body, the half-healed incision burns, and his head is a fuzzy mess of vertigo and sudden pounding headache, and he ends up slumping against the cold tiles that cold-burn his bare skin refreshingly.

JARVIS’ words seem like nothing but a remote echo and everything that’s outside the room like a phantom; Tony isn’t sure anything can be real but here. This. Now.

He’s freezing.

Or maybe not, maybe he’s so hot that everything else feels freezing, it’s hard to say –

‘You’re burning up,’ he hears Happy’s muffles voice, well, that explains something. ‘JARVIS, call Doctor Levy, we’ll be there in an hour –’

‘I’m not –’ Tony tries to protest but Happy just shakes his head in a way that Tony knows means he’ll do what he feels is right anyway. ‘Happy,’ Tony tries again, his voice creaky, when Happy wraps a blanket around his shoulders.

‘Doc said we need to contact them in case _anything_ is wrong and this feels very wrong, sorry, boss. It might be nothing or it might be infection and I want you checked, okay? You don’t have to answer. C’mon, can you walk? Can you make it to the car?’

‘Yes,’ Tony hisses, leaning on Happy and focusing completely on moving his legs; Happy helps him into some more decent clothes and, without being prompted, makes sure Nate’s disguise in in place before they leave the apartment.

 

 

‘It looks like a mild infection, nothing serious,’ Levy tells them, writing a prescription for antibiotics. ‘Your body is blowing things out of proportion as it’s constantly fighting and any anomaly is perceived as much more serious that it is in fact – but it should be easy to get through this. A few days of rest and antibiotics and you’ll be all right. Okay?’

‘Sure,’ Tony agrees, nodding, and wraps his arms around himself tighter. ‘Can I go home?’

He really wants to be back, the scent in the clinic is making him feel sick, it never has before but he doesn’t want to test his resistance. It’s easier to move and think now that the medicine Happy had Tony swallow in the car started working; his body doesn’t feel that detached anymore. It’s an all-present ache but a dull one and it makes him feel alive. Like a human and not like a monster.

‘Yes, just make sure to follow all those instructions, and contact me in case there is no improvement.’

‘I will,’ Tony promises, giving Happy a glance; Happy raises an eyebrow challengingly. ‘And if I don’t, my babysitters will.’

‘Sure thing,’ Happy says eagerly and Tony knows JARVIS silently agrees.

‘Just please, _Tony_ ,’ Levy says before they leave the room, using his proper name like she never does, ‘rest. Rest and take care of yourself.’

He nods and lets Happy lead him back to the car, staring at his feet, and back at home he doesn’t go to the workshop – which is a thing – but asks JARVIS to tell him more about what’s been going on with the portals and Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. and _everything._

When he wakes up it’s dark and he doesn’t remember when he drifted off, sometime soon after JARVIS obediently started reporting the events. So he still doesn’t know much and it’s dark which means it’s late and it’s all fucking pointless.

‘J, do we have the data the agents recovered?’

‘… yes, sir,’ JARVIS replies after a heartbeat. ‘I have full access.’

‘You’re an angel, you know?’ Tony mutters, sitting up slowly, wrapping the blanket around his arms and tiptoeing to the workshop, ignoring how uncomfortable all of this is and how his body is protesting against the sudden change of position and the coldness under his bare feet.

‘Just let me remind you that you are not supposed to work, sir, in case you repressed the memories of your conversation with Doctor Levy –’

‘This is not work, J,’ Tony cuts in, opening the workshop door and closing it silently behind him; the bots are at his side seconds later. ‘It’s life. It’s a damn necessity, who knows what’s gonna happen with those portals, I need to know everything – and the kids have missed me, haven’t day?’

‘Indeed. I cannot argue with that,’ JARVIS agrees.

Tony hasn’t been spending enough time with his artificial family, he knows too well; he hasn’t been spending enough time with anyone because there isn’t enough time and he still, after all those months, doesn’t know how to manage that.

But it doesn’t matter now. There is work to be done and the world won’t wait for him to figure all the mess out.

 

 

He gets to talk to Steve for a few minutes in the evening; it’s too short but it’s something. Iron Man is with his team all the time and JARVIS keeps updating Tony as they make their way through the data, even hours later Tony still isn’t sure it’s possible to use the information to prevent the portals from being created – or for anything, really. There is just so much of it and it’s chaotic and random; it would make sense to those who collected it, of course, but it takes time for anyone else to decipher it.

‘Everyone is all right, the portal is still open – S.H.I.E.L.D. teams are working on that,’ Steve assures Tony, not saying it, but Tony’s pretty sure Steve knows what he’s been doing all day. ‘Thor made a trip there and back; there doesn’t seem to be more of those creatures on the other side. We need to figure out how to get rid of it in case something actually is out there.’

‘Good job,’ Tony smiles to himself, eyes scanning data relentlessly, even though they’re itchy and he’s tired and it’s late. ‘Everybody safe?’

‘Yes. We did well.’

‘Can’t wait to see you,’ Tony says when they need to disconnect; he can imagine Steve’s smile well enough.

‘Soon, hopefully. Take care,’ he replies with a hint of mocking threat in his voice – there are so many things he must want to say, Tony can guess them – and hangs up.

Tony takes his meds obediently before being dragged to bed by Happy, when he starts dozing off in the ‘shop. He isn’t even mad at JARVIS for telling Happy.

 

 

When he wakes up, there is a text message from four a.m. saying _portal out of Perth_ , and then another one from seven thirteen, _another one in Siberia._

‘JARVIS?’ he asks sleepily, glancing at the wall where the time, weather, and bunch of Tony-requested random data is displayed.

It’s eight ten.

‘S.H.I.E.L.D. is managing the situation, sir, with the help of local agencies of similar field of work. There are alien creatures at both sides, being fought by your team and combat-specialized agents. We are winning both fights –’

‘Casualties?’

‘Several,’ JARVIS admits simply; he never lies about those things, not to Tony. ‘Both portals are at deserted sites, away from big settlements, it is lucky on that account.’

‘Lucky,’ Tony scoffs, and then takes a few breaths; he must be still running fever, he can feel the hotness on his cheeks and nape and he’s all sweaty and stiff; the arc reactor is no help there. ‘The team?’

‘No one is injured.’

Tony breathes out, and in, and out again, before he attempts reaching out for his meds.

Moving still hurts. He remembers Levy’s words: his body is fighting. Maybe a little too much to fight at once, Tony thinks, but he stops himself from laughing at the thought even though he’d like to; it’d just mean more pain.

‘Talk to me,’ he whispers to JARVIS after he swallows his pills; it’ll take a few minutes for the painkillers to kick in.

 

 

The next few days are a blur; the portals keep opening all around the world, presumably where research stations are – were, maybe – S.H.I.E.L.D. didn’t know about more than half of those places, which, according to Hermes, made Fury very, very angry.

Tony gets to talk to Steve and other team members whenever they have a moment of rest, and he keeps his voice level and makes himself smile because it seems like they can tell if he’s okay, so he pretends to be.

It’s wrong, him being safely in New York, eating breakfast and going to the clinic for the late radiation course, then sitting in his cozy flat, while everyone is out there, barely managing to deal with the situation: S.H.I.E.L.D. can’t be covering the incidents forever and by day five, which is kind of a record for portal-related incidents, the public notices something is _very_ wrong and the media go crazy. Tony tells JARVIS to cut him off from that, he doesn’t have the patience or the energy to deal with it.

In radiation day three, when Tony’s back and wishing he never left his bed – the infection is gone now, he’s still a bit feverish but it doesn’t explain at all why he’s still feeling _so fucking terrible_ – JARVIS tells him there is a problem.

Tony’s not sure he wants to know, his body seems out of control, it feels like he could spend the whole day on his back trying not to throw up, but he _has_ _to_ know.

‘I have been following the data panel we have been working on recently while analyzing information for the deep space communications.’

‘And?’

‘I accessed Doctor Foster’s research and managed to single out energy readings that appear not long before a portal opens, and it seems that there are several places where it will happen soon –’

‘How many?’

‘I can find five on the surface of the Earth, sir. There are three portals currently open and while they seem to disappear after approximately forty-eight hours, S.H.I.E.L.D. is running out of personnel to keep the sites safe. Hardly anyone else is prepared to do that.’

‘We need to figure out a way,’ a breath, ‘to deal with forcing them to close, and it’ll be all done –’

‘You know it will not be easy, sir –’

‘And get the other suits and go, J.’

‘Excuse me?’ JARVIS asks, sounding unsure at the sudden declaration. ‘Other suits?’

‘Like that time we had three out there at once, dealing with time-sensitive stuff,’ Tony mutters, standing up and ignoring the bitter taste at the back of his throat, he’s not going to spend the whole damn day throwing up. He dry-swallows some antiemetic, the dose still within acceptable range, and drags himself to the workshop. All the screens are alight with data and diagrams, JARVIS is ready, of course, that smug monster.

‘Someone will be mad at you for dragging me away from my bed,’ Tony comments with dry amusement.

‘Trying to stop you would be futile anyway,’ JARVIS rightfully points out as Tony tried to find himself a comfortable position in his swivel chair; it’s hard as his whole body feels strange, but soon he’s too engrossed in his work to notice.

Happy comes by some time later, Tony isn’t sure when exactly, and gives him a huge nutritional shake, knowing Tony well enough to tell he won’t be able to eat anything right now, and he stays in the ‘shop playing with the bots and reading in silence for hours.

Around seven p.m. Hermes contacts JARVIS who puts him through.

‘You wouldn’t know yet, but Nicky got some intel and things are about to get out of hand,’ he says, sounding unusually serious. It takes Tony a moment to emerge from his train of thoughts and understand what the A.I. is talking about. ‘They need more flying people.’

‘So?’ he asks, wondering if Fury has any orders for _Nate_ ; he’s been updated about Nate’s progress regarding the portals, including JARVIS’ early detection signs, but that’s not enough. ‘Is that why we couldn’t contact the team, are they in trouble?’

‘Not yet, they are busy bees,’ Hermes chippers, ‘and I just wanted _you_ to know.’

‘Doesn’t make sense,’ Tony points out, rubbing his eyes, and suddenly realizes he’s alone in the room and the doors are open. ‘J, Happy – what time is it, what is going on?’

‘We were talking about you,’ Tony hears a familiar voice from the outside and a moment later Rhodey appears in the doorframe, looking happy and serious at the same time. ‘And I heard Hermes – I want to fly and help. I know the armor you made for me is combat-ready and I’m sure you made JARVIS navigate it better than the Air Force me ever could.’

‘You know me too well.’

‘I do – wait. J, how many Iron Men do you have out right now?’

‘Three. One officially, two invisible.’

‘We’ve got some more suits…’ Tony thinks aloud, glancing at Rhodey unsurely. ‘You’ve never done that.’

‘I’m a soldier, Tony. Have been for decades,’ Rhodey states simply. ‘They need help to keep it under wraps. We’ve got people panicking already, we can’t afford to make it worse –’

‘ _J, why haven’t you told me_?’ Tony signs, only because Rhodey and Happy can’t really sign and he doesn’t want them to hear the questions, ‘ _why haven’t you told me what was going on? Steve is there, and everyone else –_ ’

‘We were working on something important, sir. I thought it would be counterproductive to distract you.’

‘You’re impossible,’ Tony sighs, and then decides. ‘It’s your call, honeybear, the suit is yours. You can do what you want. And you, J, you get to decide, too. It’s you in there anyway, not me. I’ll just – I’ll stay here. Working.’

‘Sir –’

‘I’m tired,’ Tony says suddenly, shifting in the armchair, his body all stiff and achy. ‘Save files, would ya?’

‘I think I need to go,’ Rhodey says, stretching out a hand to steady Tony as he stands up. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m never okay,’ Tony smiles widely at Rhodey, raising an eyebrow. ‘I’m sick.’

‘Tony –’

‘Go save the world,’ he cuts in, not letting Rhodey say whatever he wants to say, he doesn’t want to hear it now. ‘Go save the world for me. Don’t forget the stealth mode, sweetcakes.’

‘Nicky will be happy not to know about more flying people,’ Hermes offers before disconnecting, sounding awfully smug.

Rhodey knows Tony well enough to listen to him, but before he leaves for his place to get into the armor that’s in his apartment, he gives Tony a strong delicate hug. It feels like bruises on Tony’s body when Rhodey wraps his arms around Tony’s frame, but it feels safe, too.

‘You made all the suits, you idiot,’ Rhodey whispers into Tony’s ear before he lets go of him, ‘whoever is inside, it’s always you saving the damn world.’

It doesn’t feel like that, Tony thinks, when he’s listening to JARVIS’ stream of words hazily, throwing up, trembling with the strange coldness he knows too well now, and exhaustion, and barely aware of Happy’s warm hands steadying him and handing him electrolyte drink and medicine. He isn’t sure he’s even human at this point.

 

 

When Pepper comes over in person – they’ve been videoconferencing since Tony and Steve left for their trip as she was on the west coast since they came back and Tony firmly asked her not to change her damn important plans just to come and see him – for a moment Tony thinks it’s just a hologram.

She is real next to him, though, when she kicks off her shoes and sits on the sofa. It’s the living room one that Happy moved to the workshop to give Tony some new comfortable space as he refuses to stop working; it’s enough to have a glance at any newspaper to know he can’t stop, no matter what. Not to mention S.H.I.E.L.D. feed.

He is Tony Stark, right? If anyone can figure the portal thing out, it’s him. Whatever is going on, he is still himself. He’s still a genius.

‘Any closer?’ Pepper asks him, putting a big mug into his hands gently.

‘We’re getting there,’ he says, resting his head on her shoulder. ‘I’d have done this ten times already if I wasn’t –’

‘Stop right there,’ she cuts in, shaking her head. Tony does shut up. She knows everything, doesn’t she? ‘Tell me about it.’

Tony smiles weakly, and talks and talks and talks.

 

 

She stays overnight and they are both woken up by JARVIS informing Tony there is a phone call for him.

‘I can’t believe the world is falling apart and we’re just sleeping,’ he mumbles, gesturing at J to tell him more.

‘It’s Mister Parker,’ JARVIS says and Tony finds himself frowning. ‘He says it’s urgent.’

‘You feeling up to this?’ Pepper asks. Tony takes a deep breath and nods. ‘I’ll make some breakfast then,’ she says, standing up and putting Tony’s old dressing gown before disappearing.

‘Nate, buddy, I know you’ve been working on the portal thing and I think I have something,’ Peter’s voice fills the room, almost too loud in Tony’s ears. ‘You know how I was working with Jane when she was staying at Avengers HQ, we talked a lot and some more, and then I looked over the analysis you sent to S.H.I.E.L.D. and I think I might have a clue – can I come over? It’d work much better if I could just show you, I’m not sure where to go from here but you’ll figure something out, I know, what do you think? Science buddies?’

JARVIS waits a moment but when Tony says nothing, he displays a big flashing question mark on one of the wall screens, making Tony snicker in amusement and look at the nearest camera with _really?_ written all over his face.

‘Nate, man, are you there? I’m having a life-changing moment here, my name will be remembered for something more than dressing up in spandex, well, that is when people learn my actual name, and you won’t say a thing –’

‘It’s not a good moment,’ Tony says and JARVIS conveys it in Nate’s official voice, making it apologetic but drier than Tony’s own.

‘… you alright?’ Peter asks after a short pause, his words slightly unsure, ‘come to think of it, I haven’t really seen you for a while, not since before you left with Steve.’

Tony freezes and then realizes what Peter has just said.

‘Sir?’

‘Peter knows Iron Man is Nate,’ Tony says, ‘how does he know I’m not out there, in one of the suits? How the fuck does he know – does he, J?’

‘It would seem so, sir, yet I do not know how it came to this.’

‘Ask him,’ Tony says tiredly, putting his head back on the pillow tiredly. It’s almost pathetically funny, being enraged and stunned when you’re still in your bed, too tired to move properly.

‘You asked me once if I have a healing factor, back in the cave,’ Peter explains when JARVIS asks, ‘all my senses are enhanced. I can tell if there’s a man inside the armor or if there isn’t, and, by the way, you show me you A.I.-creating skills and think I won’t figure out who helps you fly your tin cans? I’d trust you to be smart enough to make the tin cans fly by themselves. Easy.’

‘Easy,’ Tony repeats weakly, but he can’t be really bothered to care at this point.

‘Since it’s your home, I’d guess you’re in New York, and if you are, we can meet, right? There’s no trouble in the US right now and you know I don’t let anyone ship my ass out of the country, so I’m on standby in case something pops up in the area. Hence me working. Feels silly not doing anything while everyone else is trying to keep the world together.’

‘Agreed –’

‘So? Can I come over?’

Tony’s heart damn starts beating faster when he considers the possibility – and then Pepper appears in the doorframe, leaning against it with a shake for Tony in one hand, looking at him questioningly.

‘It’s better if we just talk through Ijon, okay? He’ll make it smooth. It’s easy with the data transfer and everything; he’ll even highlight what you might be pointing at over there.’

‘Well, whatever works,’ Peter agrees unhappily, and then adds, ‘you sure you okay?’

‘Yes,’ Tony nods, still lying on his side, the duvet feeling wrong over his exposed skin, and he smiles at Pepper as nicely as he can manage. ‘Go on, we’ve got no time to waste.’

 

 

It takes Tony two more days to figure out the way to shut the portals; what’s a secret between him and JARVIS is that one of the suits, the one that’s been still in experimental stage when the whole mess started, has been making trips to other parts of the universe.

And it always came back. A few times now.

‘Fury will have fucking kittens when I tell him this,’ Tony says smugly, smiling at J, as the suits sneaks into and out of a portal in the middle of Canadian wilderness. Who thought there would be bad guys in Canada.

‘Congratulations, sir,’ JARVIS says a few minutes later, and Tony beams; he’s watching the live footage from the invisible armor as JARVIS pretty much switches the portal off and the shiny light column that’s been there for a few hours disappears instantly.

It’s just a matter of disturbing the energy flow within the portals, in the end, and no one but Iron Man in his arc reactor-powered suits can do it better. All the new armors have the-new-nameless-element cores which gives them an enormous amount of power.

‘Easy,’ Tony says, leaning back in his chair. ‘Now we’ve got to do it with all of them and start figuring out how to stop them from even opening, right? We’re co cool, J, so damn cool, aren’t we?’

‘Indeed,’ JARVIS says with a hint of amusement. ‘Shall I proceed?’

‘Let S.H.I.E.L.D. know what’s going on and do it,’ Tony states, glancing at his right. He’s been avoiding that but he can’t ignore the pain rising in his body anymore. His abdomen hurts, making his chest feel numb and touchy, making him feel sick again. Again, again, again.

Doc said long ago that this is how it goes: sometimes you have good days, sometimes you have bad days. There’s no explaining it, there’s only managing it.

Tony’s been too sick and then too busy to have internal fights about the medicine since they came back from Paris, but it just hits, when the feeling of urgency disappears as he watches one portal after another die down, on one of the walls turned into a screen.

He talked to Levy briefly a few days earlier, after his morning radiation and before making Happy break speed limits to go back to work. She told him to just take all the meds he needs, since he has his prescriptions.

‘We had a conversation about this a long time ago,’ she simply reminded him, handing him a neatly folded piece of paper. ‘If you need to talk to somebody.’

There are names and phone numbers and emails.

‘Does it still make sense to keep trying, with the treatment and all?’ Tony asked her just before leaving, pocketing the note.

‘As long as you feel it does,’ she said the words he’s heard so many times.

‘Is it even working?’

‘It always is, at least a bit.’

‘Would I feel better if I stopped?’

That made her pause for a moment.

‘Possibly,’ she said eventually, giving him a long look that’s almost, almost sad.

By the end of the course he isn’t sure it is worth it, it’s just so bad this time, and he just wants to rest. Maybe sleep in, rest, and get to enjoy – well, anything, really. He’d enjoy any damn thing if he only felt better. He’d enjoy taking summer-scented breaths and working and cooking with Happy.

It’s still not the right time to make the decisions, it turns out a few hours later. While Iron Men get rid of the portals that’ve been opened recently and S.H.I.E.L.D. tries to get on top of that with the media and governments, Tony is sitting with his eyes closed, steadying his breaths to keep down the shake that his body really needs right now, letting the bots pet him and letting JARVIS do his work.

It all seems under control until JARVIS suddenly speaks up over the soft music; it’s almost midnight.

‘Sir,’ he just says simply, it’s more than enough to get Tony’s attention.

‘J?’

‘There is a problem we haven’t foreseen.’

‘ _J_?’

‘Director Fury was contacted by who we assume is a leader of the organization that was experimenting with the portals. They shed some light on their motives.’

‘That’s not a problem,’ Tony states, tilting his head and skimming the last few lines JARVIS suggested  for a code they are working on; the deep space exploration suits will need to have unique A.I.s running them.

‘I will spare you the grand words, but it seems they are a group fighting against the slow destruction of the earth that, according to them, no one takes seriously. They want to save the Earth –’

‘By inviting aliens here?’

‘Apparently,’ JARVIS keeps his voice toneless because the situation is too serious for jokes, but this calls for a disbelieving snicker, Tony thinks. ‘By asking the aliens to help them rule the world in a way that will be beneficial for humanity.’

‘Who the fuck believes in that bullshit?’ Tony snaps, saving the files he’s been staring at for the last minute. ‘Don’t answer that question. I used to think making weapons helps world peace,’ he adds, chuckling darkly.

‘Thanks to our early detection protocols they are unable to successfully establish any portals at this time,’ JARVIS states the truth with a proud tone to his voice, and Tony smiles to himself. ‘We still do not know where the leaders are so we cannot stop them from taking other actions –’

‘Other actions…?’

‘They claimed to have placed several bombs around Washington D.C., including the proximity of the White House. The president is being evacuated right now. The public knows nothing about this, of course; S.H.I.E.L.D. and government-related teams are on their way as we speak.’

‘But?’ Tony asks, ignoring the strange anxiousness that seems to fill his body.

‘We cannot let the bombs go off. There is enough chaos as it is –’

‘And that could be too much,’ Tony finished the sentence, nodding in agreement, even if it feels surreal. He’s been here, trying to breathe his way through one day and another and another. It’s still almost too strange, knowing what’s going on hundreds of miles away and not being there. ‘What can we do?’

‘I will ask Hermes and make sure to give you an update as soon as the teams arrive at the sites and learn anything.’

‘Sure, baby,’ Tony sighs, rubbing his eyes tiredly. ‘I think I need a long shower,’ he decides on a whim; maybe it will help his achy body, getting soaked in hot water. It helped a few times before.

JARVIS speaks up again just after Tony wraps a fluffy towel around himself, enjoying the almost painful cold tiles under his bare feet; his body is just oversensitive these days but he’s getting used to it. Slowly.

‘Director Fury is on the line.’

‘Patch him through,’ Tony tells J with a frown, staring at himself in the mirror and running his hand over the smooth surface of his head. He looks like shit, he’s well aware, but well, there’s nothing that can be done.

‘I need you,’ Fury says in a low voice, with a sense of urgency that seems strange for him. ‘Where are you?’

‘Don’t you keep track of your puppy team?’ Tony asks before he can stop himself, it’s probably not a good time, but he’d really like to know why Fury is asking.

‘Are you on a Quinjet that’s moving towards the USA, flying from Korea over the Pacific Ocean right now?’ Tony keeps silent, giving Fury his answer. ‘I think not,’ Fury says with satisfaction that almost sounds like a relief around the edges. ‘I need you in D.C.’

‘The bombs?’

‘I knew Hermes would tell you everything,’ Fury barks, but then adds, ‘yes. We have teams at the sites. They can’t do anything. They can’t move the bombs, either. It’s smartly done and we don’t want to risk.’

‘Oh?’

‘Those seem to be experimental weapons _._ They emit a signature remotely similar to the portals but not really, remotely similar to Loki’s weapons last year but not really. They all have timers set for three hours and ticking. Apparently it’s a test. The guys don’t believe we can figure that shit out in as much as three hours, and so far they are right.’

Tony shivers.

‘I need you here,’ Fury repeats again. ‘I don’t know anyone else who can have any idea what to do with them and we _fucking need it taken care of_.’

‘I’m home,’ Tony says, closing his eyes and sighing. ‘In New York.’

‘I’m glad you’re not over Pacific Ocean then.’

‘I –’ Tony starts, but he isn’t sure what to say; nothing really matters at this point.

‘Can you do that? Can you come here?’ Fury questions in his deep low voice, softer than Tony has ever heard it, but he doesn’t have the time to think about it right now.

‘I’ll be there in forty,’ he replies, gesturing at JARVIS to hang up.

There is a moment of sudden silence ringing in Tony’s ears, and then he lets the towel fall to the floor and reaches for his clothes, waiting for him on one of the shelves.

It’s one a.m.

‘Reminder for later: tell Levy I won’t get to the clinic today,’ Tony says, walking out of the bathroom and across the bedroom to get to his medicine cabinet. ‘Check the dosage notes we made with Doc in case of emergency, show me, and don’t tell Happy.’

‘Mister Hogan will be extremely upset with you, sir.’

Tony nods in agreement, looking at the info JARVIS shows on the nearest screen and then into the cabinet, and takes out the antiemetics and analgesics – that should be enough to make him feel vaguely human and able to do his job – placing them on a night table in a neat row. Then he makes a second row to be hidden within the suit, just in case it all takes too long.

He swallows the pills, washing them down with some cold water, and then proceeds to the familiar and repetitive process of putting on Nate’s disguise as JARVIS forwards all data S.H.I.E.L.D. is gathering about the bombs.

‘So this is the big thing,’ Tony laugh darkly as JARVIS wraps the newest armor around his numb body.

‘Are you sure you feel up to it?’

‘You ask as if it mattered, J, and it really doesn’t, too much depends on whether we manage to deal with this. Open the window,’ he adds, and a second later he’s in the air, moving towards D.C. at top speed and doing a fairly good job ignoring the lightheadedness. ‘Good job getting ready,’ he mutters to himself, ‘we’ll be few minutes early.’

 

 

Halfway through the flight Steve calls.

‘Director just told us what’s going on, and then told me in private that you’re going to solve this.’

Tony exhales. He’s never expected this kind of consideration from Fury.

‘Are you going to be there as Nate or as Iron Man?’ Steve asks. That’s it for not having to worry about the identity issues for once – but he gets it. It needs to be sorted out somehow.

‘Iron Man,’ he says. Steve, Natasha, and Thor know about Nate and Iron Man. Steve and Thor know he’s dying. Steve knows he’s Tony Stark. ‘Tell them the other suit is my A.I. since it’s the truth. Is that gonna be enough?’

‘It has to,’ he can hear Steve’s reassuring smile in his voice. ‘I’m worried about you. You’ve been –’

‘I can do it,’ Tony says firmly, pretty much reassuring himself as well as Steve. ‘See you, Cap,’ he adds warmly before he hangs up.

Happy isn’t as nice when he shouts at Tony, the voice echoing in the helmet; Tony would claim it have him headache if only he wasn’t on drugs that make all the pain a remote dull feeling all over.

‘You’re an idiot,’ Happy says at the end, and Tony understands: Happy is just feeling helpless and that’s the most awful of all feelings.

‘I’d rather die fighting,’ Tony tells him, ‘it’d be easier.’

‘Don’t say things like that, boss,’ Happy replies quickly. ‘Pepper will kill me if I let you go without saying goodbye and you don’t come back.’

‘You’re my favorite,’ Tony smiles, glancing at the HUD, seven more minutes, approximately. ‘See you in a few hours.’

There barely is time to exchange a word with Rhodey who is somewhere above the States, heading towards the same place as everyone else in his invisible suit. Rhodey has been around for decades, longest of all, and he knows Tony inside out.

‘I know you can do it,’ Rhodey says, not mentioning that the last time he saw Tony, he was physically sick with pain and too tired to walk down the stairs.

Tony can tell him everything.

‘I know it’s easy to forget that I am _me_. I forget it sometimes, too,’ he says. ‘But I’ll be back in no time and I’ll be on enough drugs to go for a fucking run with you, not just a healthy fresh air stroll like an old lady.’

‘Kick their asses,’ Rhodey replies, and just when Tony lands – the bomb by the White House, pretty damn close, Tony had to admit, no time for wondering how it happened – he adds, ‘I just wish, after everything that’s happened, that they knew it was _you_ , saving them.’

 

 

There are wires and keyboards and mini screens built into the bomb and it feels like a fucking game, a sick game, but Tony grits his teeth and ignores it, focusing on getting his thing done.

In the end it’s – surprising, how easy the bombs are to work out. Since everyone claimed they couldn’t do anything. Maybe that’s because Tony’s been working on the portals too much recently and on weapons too much in his life, but it’s just – simple. His thoughts are cold and logical and his mind completely focused, almost too quick to follow, with JARVIS’ helpful input, and before twenty minutes pass, he knows what to do.

He takes off Iron Man’s gloves and asks the S.H.I.E.L.D. man for tools, ignoring their stares. They seem surprised he’s a human of flesh and blood which is funny in a twisted way because well, these days Iron Man usually isn’t.

‘Give me five minutes and we can move on – they are all the same, like you said?’

‘Confirmed, sir,’ one of the agents offers. ‘Eight more.’

‘We’ll be done with them soon,’ he promises.

By the fourth bomb, he’s sick of the men’s stares, a mixture of curiosity, amazement, and fear. By the sixth his hands are shaking – the medicine doesn’t help with dizziness and the stiff weak feeling all throughout his body – and he has to pause for a moment before he resumes his work.

When he’s finishing with the ninth, thirteen minutes before the deadline, his head pounding dully and body feeling all bruised from staying in unnatural positions inside the armor, he tells JARVIS, ‘I want a victory cheeseburger to wait for me at home, I earned it, didn’t I?’

‘You did, sir, I will – Director Fury.’

‘There is another bomb,’ Fury declares, ‘I’m sending you the coordinates. We’ve been scanning the area according to your specs.’

‘On it,’ Tony says, there isn’t time to argue and say he didn’t send them any specifications. It must have been JARVIS then, and JARVIS is Iron Man as much as Tony, so well. Fair game.

He’s almost painfully tense when he gets to the site – there’s awfully little time left.

‘Calm down, sir. You can do it. You have a minute more than you need.’

‘If something goes wrong –’ he trails off, looking around; the area is still being evacuated and it’s in the middle of the damn city and there’s no saying how strong the blast would be –

‘You’ve been in worse situations,’ JARVIS reminds him simply.

‘Not helping,’ Tony snickers but that’s a lie – it’s a reassurance.

He isn’t sure how, but he gets it done a full minute before the deadline, and when the bomb is disarmed, he closes his eyes and sways slightly; JARVIS as always is a step ahead and locks the armor’s joint, steadying Tony.

‘Stark?’ he hears Fury’s voice in the helmet, ‘great job. Thanks.’

Tony doesn’t reply, he ignores the agents talking to him and simply takes off, leaving them all with bewildered faces. JARVIS says the Avengers are headed to New York, two hours out now, since they wouldn’t get to D.C. in time anyway.

 

 

It’s almost five when Tony gets back into the workshop, the sun has just started to encompass the city with its bright and warm rays, cutting through the perfectly blue morning sky.

Happy is sitting in Tony’s armchair with his legs crosses and resting on the desk, steaming burgers stacked on a big plate.

‘Aaand you saved the world again, boss.’

‘Sssh, it’s a secret,’ Tony replies with a grin, taking off the helmet in one smooth motion. He had enough time on his way back to calm down and hurray, his hands aren’t trembling anymore and he’s pretty sure he can even stand on his own, so he gives J the sign to unwrap the armor. ‘Cheeseburgers?’

‘You earned it,’ Happy states, raising an eyebrow and pushing the plate across the desk.

‘Don’t give me that look, I can keep it down, I’m on so many things it feels like being pleasantly drunk –’

‘I can see that,’ Happy snickers, suddenly at Tony’s side as Tony sways when the armor is not there anymore. ‘Sit down,’ he adds, leading Tony to his blanket nest, now moved to the other corner by the windows, with a view of the city. A moment later he sits down next to Tony, putting the plate with food between them. ‘The kids worry about you when you go for a mission, especially nearly-suicidal when you’re damn sick,’ he whines between bites, ‘They worry the same much about JARVIS, when he goes out as Iron Man, but J wouldn’t tell you that – I thought I would, so that you know.’

‘Mhm,’ Tony mutters, chewing on his food. It even seems to have a flavor this time, a nice change from the last couple of weeks.

‘By the way, I’m not going to forget you said you’d rather die fighting. Just for the record, I know it must have been frustrating to be unable to help but that one was a bit extreme.’

‘Yeah, and true,’ Tony mutters in agreement, swallows, and adds, ‘I felt alive, it was fake but I felt alive…’

‘We shall find a solution to that,’ JARVIS quips in. Happy nods vigorously.

‘For now, burger?’ he asks, poking Tony and making him laugh; his skin still feels strange. But it doesn’t matter now.

‘Why not,’ Tony decides, taking another one and biting in.

 

 

Steve’s lips taste dry and sweet.

‘I’ll drive you to the clinic,’ Steve says. It’s the last day of radiation and Tony planned to skip it, but he doesn’t feel he could do that to Steve now. It’s just one time. ‘And then we’ll get ice cream. It’s a lovely August here this year, I haven’t had the time to appreciate it enough.’

‘It smells like sweat and salt,’ Tony declares, wrinkling his nose theatrically as he finishes buttoning up his shirt.

‘And you love it.’

‘I guess I do,’ he has to agree. It smells familiar, in a good way, the stuffy hot air squeezing everywhere and feeling like a soft blanket.

He grabs a pair of sunglasses and puts them on in one of Tony Stark’s swift practiced movements. Steve seems amused and gives him a quick kiss.

‘You were amazing today,’ he says when they are in the elevator. ‘Impossibly reckless but incredibly amazing.’

‘Why thank you,’ Tony leans against Steve, enjoying the warm body supporting his.

‘Please don’t do it again,’ Steve adds quietly, wrapping his hand around Tony’s as they exit the elevator.

Tony offers him a smile and shrugs slightly, staying silent, as Nate would. He probably won’t do it again but he doesn’t want to tell Steve the real reason, not yet. It’ll take a bit of time to organize everything.

For now they have their strange-scented summer mornings to celebrate.

 

 

‘You have not shaved your head in three days, sir,’ JARVIS points out on Sunday when Tony is getting ready to join the Avengers in Iron Man’s suit for a late debrief. Steve is already there, having left early to have a chat with Fury before the meeting.

‘Yeah,’ Tony mutters, staring at himself in the mirror.

‘Does that mean anything?’

‘Well,’ Tony sighs and turns around, stretching his arms above his head, a mischievous smile on his face, ‘you guess, J,’ he says, looking straight into the nearest camera, ‘you guess.’

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all those who have been bored: this is the end, finally! For all those who haven't been bored: I hope you liked the extra long chapter! 
> 
> Thank you all for being here with me throughout this story, I hope you enjoyed it. Can't wait to hear your thoughts, if you'd be so nice and share them :)
> 
> Next time:  
>  _Corporeal ghosts_ \- September 2013 - _Ladies and gentleman, we will take no questions._


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